possible to keep it secret forever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
possible to keep it secret forever?
16
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:59pm
I need some reassurance - desperatly!

I just started an EMA and want to know from those who are more experienced - Is it possible for me to keep this a secret or am I kidding myself? I am living somewhere temporarily and feel more free to explore myself here. I know I am not starting something very long term. My OM had made that clear also. It is supposed to be about the sex and I can keep it that way if I am careful. I plan on doing this and walking away when it is time to move or else much sooner when the excitement wears off. Am I an idiot for thinking that this is possible? I do value my marriage and do not plan on ruining it. Can I do this or am I kidding myself? I believe I can do this but I would love to hear from some women (or men) who have been able to keep their EMA a secret and have not ruined their marriage. This is all about me - I am so totally selfish right now and I feel like I need this. Any wisdom out there? My OM is very clear on not starting something permanent also. We both have too much to lose. I really need some reassurance or dire warnings. It is still early for me and I can avoid some heartache if it is unavoidable!

Thanks. I'm glad I have somewhere safe to talk and ask advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:10pm
I sure hope it's possible!!!

I'm in the six month of a very happy EMA. Both OMM and I have good marriages that we want to preserve. Keeping it secret is a very high priority, so we are very, very, careful — no calls during evening hours, no PDA, etc etc. We see each other about once a week. We take care of our marriages. So far so good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:22pm
I think it is possible. You just have to be careful and be smart. We have been involved for over a year now, and have not had a problem. The more independence you have the better I think it is. Cover all tracks, be smart and don't tell anyone! It is amazing what you can do if you put your mind to it!

Others may have specific advice... keep your PC clean, do not have detailed billing on your cell phones (if you communicate that way), leave no evidence - letters, anything tangible, don't take silly risks, and always think!

Good luck!

Starz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 6:08pm
I agree...first and foremost...be careful. A close friend who had been down this path, told me not to tell anyone. My OM started to tell his buddies, etc. As a matter of fact I met someone in his family and they figured it out, just by the way we looked at each other and communicated in the short time we were all together. No late night phone calls, no calls to each others house (cell phones are a wonderful thing) and deleate any voice mails he leaves you. Also - no lipstick, purfume when with him.

I'm glad to hear you are keeping it in perspective..I try to keep the sex thing in perspective, but I find it hard not to let the emotions overrule that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 9:52pm

Hi lazyone,


I for one... certainly think it's possible.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 9:57pm
Yes it is very possible. I had a 2 yr. affair and my H did not find out. His W was very suspicious because he got a little stupid at times so we had to cover up some stuff and it worked. Some people at work knew but never told my H, I was lucky. My MM could not hide it as well as I could cause Women (the wives) are VERY smart so he has to be more careful than you unless your H doesn't trust you for some reason. Make sure you have a good alibi if needed but try not to rely on friends cause the less people who know the better. Have fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:02pm
Yes, I think it is possible. But I also know that if you think you'll never get caught, then thats when you just might! Never let your guard down. Try to act as normal at home as always, never leave any trails of any kind, whether they be printed out emails or cell phone charges, or hotel receipts. Just be careful. Ive been in mine for 2 yrs now and even though both our marriages have suffered somewhat, we are still hanging in there. I can not imagine life without him being a part of it.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:11am
Thanks so much for all of the encouragement. The minute I feel like we are taking risks I have to stop this. I really only meant to do this a few times but I know already that I will be craving more and more. I'm glad to know that it can be done and I am not a complete idiot for imagining that I can keep this a secret. The hard part will be NOT getting too emotional about it all and not getting in over my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 9:09am


Hi! I mostly just lurk here but I saw your post and felt I had to jump in. Remember that it takes TWO people being cautious to keep from getting caught. You can be super careful, but if your partner gets careless you'll still wind up in trouble. I'm in an 8 month emotional (non-physical), long distance R with a guy I'll call MF. About 3 months ago his W snooped through his computer and found some email that we had exchanged. Well she freaked out about it and as a result MF and I went through a very painful period of little contact. I was a bit annoyed with him for being careless, but at the same time we were holding onto the belief that there was nothing wrong with our very emotional friendship so we didn't really have anything to hide. (Ha! Yeah, right! Clearly his W didn't see it that way! LOL!!!) Gradually we started talking again and our close relationship continued. At first we kept our communications limited to work ONLY. But over time he started emailing/chatting from home again. I begged him to be cautious and he said he would be. But wouldn't you know that it happened again! His W snooped through his computer and found a chat log that he didn't erase. Arrrgghh!!!! So now we're back to having little contact again. (Can you say down rollercoaster???) Just remember that you being careful isn't enough. He's gotta be careful too. Good luck to you!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:18am
Well all I can say is good luck! I thought I would be able to carry on an affair and not let it effect my marriage too, but it didn't work out that way. Unfortunately, or fortunately my MM and I are deeply in love. In the beginning I could act pretty normal at home even though I thought of MM 24/7 I carried on okay at home. Every month that went by got harder and harder and after over a year it is almost unbearable for me at home now! If you don't become emotionally involved you will be okay. I guess I just fell too hard. Be very very careful too, of any correspondance you have had with MM, destroy everything before it could be read by someone you don't want to have read it!!!

promised

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 11:34am
I've been in this A for over 2 years now. We are both very careful. We only contact each other and see each other during work. (We live in different cities). No home calls, no night or weekend calls. Only once did I go and meet him on an evening date. His wife was out of town and my H was at work.

xxxx

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