possible to keep it secret forever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
possible to keep it secret forever?
16
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:59pm
I need some reassurance - desperatly!

I just started an EMA and want to know from those who are more experienced - Is it possible for me to keep this a secret or am I kidding myself? I am living somewhere temporarily and feel more free to explore myself here. I know I am not starting something very long term. My OM had made that clear also. It is supposed to be about the sex and I can keep it that way if I am careful. I plan on doing this and walking away when it is time to move or else much sooner when the excitement wears off. Am I an idiot for thinking that this is possible? I do value my marriage and do not plan on ruining it. Can I do this or am I kidding myself? I believe I can do this but I would love to hear from some women (or men) who have been able to keep their EMA a secret and have not ruined their marriage. This is all about me - I am so totally selfish right now and I feel like I need this. Any wisdom out there? My OM is very clear on not starting something permanent also. We both have too much to lose. I really need some reassurance or dire warnings. It is still early for me and I can avoid some heartache if it is unavoidable!

Thanks. I'm glad I have somewhere safe to talk and ask advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:52pm
One saving grace for my A is that I am living somewhere temporarily and I will move in 2 years. I know that is why I am willing to explore the way I am. I know that there is an end. I decided that I would rather miss him terribly at the end than not have him at all. We will eventually be half a world apart so I know I can't let this be more than sex. It is so hard though. I really want to see him. He is extremely careful. We talked about where to be together and I accused him of having a double standard by wanting to be at my home and not his. He pointed out that his partner would notice every little scent left and my husband wouldn't even question the sheets being changed. True!

Again - I'm thankful for having a place to discuss this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:56pm
Why don't you rent a room? There is no way I would EVER bring someone to my home. What about neighbors seeing you together? Its the "no tell hotel" for us all the way. Seems to me like taking him to your home is just asking for trouble!!

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 1:06am
I'm going into the 4th month of the 14th year of my affair. My W and MW are friends but don't see each other much. I work with my MW. We work on our own, no office, so we have lots of time to be with each other. We work out of her home office. I will admit my situation is a little different because her H knows all about us and is happy with it. In fact 13 years ago he told her that I would make a very good "friend" for her. He's 14 years older than she is and gave up sex more that 20 years ago. He and I are best friends and sit around and talk and have a drink at least a few times a week. The three of us get along very well. In fact they fight over me. He'd like me to move in. When the two of us go away for a few days on business he always suggests we stay another day and relax. It took me some time to get used to this but it just seems so natural now. I think her H is really my best friend. Crazy? Actually its wonderful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:33pm

hey lazyone -- welcome to the board and you sure came to the right place with your situation!


you are FWB (friends with benefits) for the sex and both you and MM do not want to go further emotionally right?

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 3:10pm
Thanks gurlfriend! This board helps so much. I am meeting my MM tomorrow for the first time since our first time together. Then we are spending the rest of the day together with our children (who are friends) - YES - I am awful for doing this with kids! Tomorrow is a test to see how I natural I can be around others and if it is too hard (I CAN do it - it just may be too hard) we have to stop being around others. I keep telling myself that since I know I am leaving in a couple of years or even sooner, this can't go on and even if I do fall in love I will have to walk away. The guy is a player. He is an incredible player - but a player none the less. I am his 2nd affair in 16 years - and I told him this was okay because I was going home eventually - he just said it would be hard because he would be left here. I don't want to fall in love (but it is hard not to) BUT...I know I'll leave. I just told my best friend about my A today. I couldn't keep it a secret from her. I am in my late 30s and she has been there for me since we were both in diapers! I have so many thoughts and emotions about this. I'll be back to this board soon I'm sure! Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:57pm
Ann Lamott says that if you want to make God laugh, tell God your plans.

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