Possible A situation...confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Possible A situation...confused
14
Tue, 08-04-2009 - 5:28pm

Ok, wow, I can honestly say I never, ever thought I'd find myself posting on this board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2008
Wed, 08-05-2009 - 6:47pm

Oh and Goddess,


Totally off topic, but that little cat thing you have; it's so cute I can't even handle it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Wed, 08-05-2009 - 8:59pm

Hi rubber,

1. No, I never go inside his place. Knowing of his sexual past with her(roommate/FWB), I am not comfortable doing that/being in "their" place. IF she is a FWB and they had/have this so-called "don't ask, don't tell" relationship about what they do/who they date (as he claimed when we first started chatting), then it's not appropriate in their book for either of them to introduce another person they are dating while/if they still live together. It's just a source of conflict and jealousy.

The texts to her about him being away on business are perhaps a way to "protect" her from having her feelings hurt. But, at the same time, I think at this stage if everything was on the up and up she would know of me. She might be jealous, but if the two of them were truly able to go back to a friendship relationship, no sex, emotions, etc. she should skip the jealousy and date other people. I wouldn't expect him to text her things about what a great nite he had with me or anything because that's a little hurtful. His simply saying something like "I'm going out, see you later" should suffice. No further explanation needed even. I also don't see the reason she's texting him that she's frustrated about him not being home when he said he would. Why should she care? IDK.

2. As I said, the possibility of being the OW bothers me to a point. I try not to think about it a lot. Even though there is a chance I am "the OW", there's a chance I'm not. It's that not knowing for sure that makes it a tiny bit easier for me to "justify" in my mind. Maybe on some level that's why I haven't asked more probing questions.

I guess, maybe, my reason for not letting it get to me more is probably the same as a lot of other people on here: that you enjoy the other person's company, the things you do together, the talks you have, the sex, etc. From reading posts from the other "OW" and "OM" on here, it seems that their relationships are not exactly fair for them either. Why do we continue to put up with feeling like we're sharing this person, feeling jealous, feeling frustrated, wondering if the other person will make that break, etc.?

I have recently started hoping things will change, especially since my last talk with him about a week ago re: his moving out. I am willing to give that a little time, but not much more. I need to know what's going on and whether this is something that I can continue and if I can, under what conditions. I'm not trying to make everything roses and sunshine here. I know something is off. I am not deluded into thinking that once (IF) he moves out everything will be perfect, we'll move in together, get married, etc. I know that is not at all rational, nor something I sit here fantasizing about. I know I am ok by myself. But, I really enjoy his company and we have a fun time together.

I have also started looking more at the "bad" side. If nothing else, to help give me a reality check and incentive to walk away if things do turn unfavorable. I think I have been so caught up in having a good time (after so many years of not/hell) and trying so hard to believe that people can be trusted (after 10 years of living a lie with another person) that maybe I neglected and turned a blind eye to certain things.




Edited 8/5/2009 9:09 pm ET by torn_apart_goddess
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 2:18pm

so maybe next time you are just lazing around your place, say something like "honey, can I see your phone for a minute?" When he hands it to you, you are now free to look through his texts. If he asks you want you are doing, tell him you are looking at his texts. If he hesitates or refuses to give you the phone, or looks first and hits a few delete keys, then you have your answer. If he gives it to you and those old texts are gone, you have your answer. If he gives it to you and those texts are still there, ask him about them. It's an opportunity. Take it.


I think that giving him "a few more months" is gonna hurt like mad when you arrive there, if he doesn't do what he's supposed to do. A little while tends to turn into much longer, a few more days and 1 more weeks, because being with him feels so good, it's hard to not give him a bit more time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 4:49pm

I think your approach to the phone thing is a novel one. However, I can't do that. I'm just thinking if the shoe was on the other foot and he did the same to me I would be mad, hurt, etc....and I have absolutely nothing to hide!

Giving him some more time does hurt. Today I am really upset, probably the most upset I have been over this. I was supposed to meet up with him later tonite, but he told me last nite that a last minute business thing developed and he wouldn't be able to see me until the following morning. I know, like 12 hours, big deal. But, it really bothered me, probably because I know he's used the "business" excuse with the roommate/FWB now. So, I just can't help but wonder if he isn't putting me off to spend time with her and keep her happy. (We're going out of town together for a few days, plus he spent an extra day with me earlier this week).

I think seeing those texts has changed my attitude toward him some. In the past he has made excuses for why he had to go home and couldn't spend an extra day with me ("I have so much to do tomorrow", "I have a meeting with...") Some of the times I know it was legit, other times I figured he had to go home because of the FWB and some issue going on there, but didn't ask/know/or really care. So now I think of the excuses and really start to wonder and get angry.

I'm also angry because I feel like I'm his weekend girlfriend. He usually spends 3.5 days per week with me and the others at home. It's almost always the same days and there is usually an excuse why he can't go out and do something during the week with me. I'm almost 100% sure the r/fwb works a late shift and has tuesday/wednesdays off. So, I'm guessing he's spending time with her to make it 50/50. Ugh.

I can easily see another week turning into another month, another month into 3, and so on and so on. I just can't let that happen. I either need to accept the situation and enjoy the ride or give him til the deadline in my head to do what needs to be done, and if not I think I need to end it.

I'm thinking this weekend I might have the "where do you see this going, how do you feel about me?" conversation and see where that leads. And see if I can get more info on his situation out of him. I might also throw in there that I do feel like I am his weekend girlfriend and that he's always rushing home come Monday nite and its really starting to bother me and make me question his living situation.

I can only be patient so much longer before I break down. Most of the time the fun/good things outweigh the bad and I love spending time with him. Today I am having a bad day, however, I have the feeling once I see him I will start to feel better (not necessarily a good thing I guess. Sometimes it's a reality check to feel mad/upset).

And, you are right, if the stuff he's telling me he's going to do doesn't happen on schedule, I can see myself totally losing it on him (which is SOOOO unlike me), but I can see me blowing up. But, at that point, I guess I wouldn't have much to lose.

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