Possibly leaving earlier than planned...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Possibly leaving earlier than planned...
22
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:05pm
I had a long talk with my W this weekend and she raised a very good point. I was planning on staying for the birth of my baby and his first 8 weeks or so before moving out. But she is worried if I leave shortly after the baby is born, our 5 year old will somehow blame the baby. So she said she would rather I move out before the baby is born. I think this logic is sound, but I'm still confused and scared. I want to be there for my baby's birth but I know it might be uncomfortable for her.

I believe we've at least worked out a custody agreement. Both children will sleep at my place every Tuesday and Wednesday night and every other weekend. That gives me the kids 6 nights out of 14. Of course I told her I wouldn't take the baby from here the first 8 weeks because she'll be staying home that whole time. So I'll have to come here and do feedings and such. My W was very strong throughout this conversation. But since then she's been very broken up. I appreciate her feelings and she has the right to be sad. I'm sad too, I'm just trying not to let myself be overcome by it.

I guess I'm feeling kind of sad in general. As much as I know this is the right thing, to actually be only two months away from moving out is very bittersweet. I'm still very scared of not seeing my son everyday. He and I have an unbelievable bond and he's a strong kid so I know he'll be okay. But this will hurt him and I hate to do that. I'm also scared for my W. I didn't want her to have to face her last month of pregnancy alone. I mean I'll be there for her if she'll let me. I plan to keep my cell. phone on at all times so I can be reached. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like such a horrible person sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:08pm
hang in there, omaha. It will get better.

You know, it sounds like you've done this just about as well as can be. And your W sounds like a smart woman. I don't think it's possible or necessarily desirable to slip from a M without feeling some sadness.

I'll be honest with you. I keep up with your posts since I got here, and I take some hope in hearing what you're doing. Your focus and faith are an inspiration to me in my situation. I believe because of the integrity and dignity you've fought to keep present in your situation, you will find your rewards.

You're a good man. Hang in there, brother.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:29pm

Omaha, I don't think you're a horrible person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:36pm
Hey Omaha,

Well from the outside here you & W seem to be doing quite well in working on custody already. And see, I knew W would gain some strength - for her to be able to look at the bigger picture in what is best for the children rather than her or you - wow! And if you don't realise it, you're helping by giving her some control in the situation.

I guess I'd liken W's strength in this case to adreneline - she had enough to keep her going and then afterwards...whoosh, she felt depleted. I've done it myself - kept going until I got out of work and then cry on the way home, or until the kids were in bed and then blubber into my pillow. I don't know if men will ever understand how women can get so emotional, nor if women will ever understand how men can not let feelings overwhelm them.

I know that whatever I say will not ease your fear with regards to your not seeing your son every day, or for your new baby, or maybe even for being on your own. But, Omaha, you are only scared because you don't have anything to reference it to; you've not been in this situation so you can't envision the scene. You'll see once you've actually experienced it that the *thought* of it is worse than the *actuality*. Have you not found this to be true with other things you were hesitant/scared to do?

<> Are you a horrible person? Doesn't that then make W a horrible person for the part she played? Or, is it more the situation that is horrible?

Peace & Strength,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:49pm
I know that whatever I say will not ease your fear with regards to your not seeing your son every day, or for your new baby, or maybe even for being on your own. But, Omaha, you are only scared because you don't have anything to reference it to; you've not been in this situation so you can't envision the scene. You'll see once you've actually experienced it that the *thought* of it is worse than the *actuality*. Have you not found this to be true with other things you were hesitant/scared to do?

**************

Wow, very profound words Meow. I agree with Meow, it is the fear of the unknown and not having been down this path before. It really is a tough position for you both to be in. Good luck to you.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:40am
i have to say.....your wife is smart, i never would have thought of things so calmly. i am sure i made tons of mistakes when i seperated from my H. But we do the best we can.

what you are going through is hard. You will see glimpses of hope and pretty soon you will realize you have made the best choice you could for your family at this time.

(hugs) to you.

wish i could say something better.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:44am
You are not a horrible person. You are going through the normal process of grieving for the failure of your marriage. You are doing the best in spite of the circumstances. Don't beat yourself, do what is next best thing for you and your family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:11am
Omaha...after reading your posts for several weeks, I feel like we've all come to know you for who you are...a caring, sensitive man who is in love. I commend you for being truthful with your W and your commitment to your children. Your W does sound like an intelligent woman...thinking about your other child and not wanting the blame for the split to be (in the child's eyes) the new baby. You have to be strong and respect your W's decision on this. I think it is a wise idea.

I wish you much love and happiness as you go forth with a R with your OW. She might be young, Omaha, but she wants you...that's all that matters!

Oh yeah, and let us know if the R doesn't work out....I am sure there are lots of women who would let you cry on their shoulder! *wink* LOL

Take care! (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:53am
Omaha, sometimes all our options are bad ones so we just do the best we can. You are a wonderful, caring, sensitive man... not horrible at all. You just had a horrible choice to make. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts through this difficult transition.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:24am
Omaha, I know you are going through such a tough time right now as well as your W, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are being true to yourself and have always been truthful and up front with your W about what you are feeling and what you plan to do. I know it's hard to move forward, but your children will always love you because you will always make sure they know you love them and it seems like your W is accepting the end of the M and thinking ahead for what would be best for the children. You are not a horrible person, it's always hard to battle what other's may want or expect from you over what ultimately will be best for you. You are a strong caring man, so keep you chin up and know that, and know that you are doing the right thing for you, which does not mean you love your children any less. Take care.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 11:22am
Omaha - just wanted to chime in and offer hugs and support. I'm sure that this is all incredibly difficult, but perhaps moving forward now will make things easier in the long run. It must be awfully hard and confusing to continue living with someone when you both know the marriage is at an end. You and your W will always have some level of a relationship due to the fact that you have children, and it's obvious that you do care about this woman. Her mood swings are to be expected, both due to her pregnancy and due to the changes you two are enduring. Congratulations to you both for keeping the best interests of your children at heart.

As with any relationship, communication is key - without knowing your W, I'd hope that she'd still want and allow you to be part of your son's birth and I'm sure that your continuing to support her emotionally means a lot, even if there's a bit of pain now.

Best of luck and, although I know it's easier said than done, try not to second guess yourself. Perhaps by moving out now, you can both begin to heal.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Whatnow

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