Possibly leaving earlier than planned...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Possibly leaving earlier than planned...
22
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:05pm
I had a long talk with my W this weekend and she raised a very good point. I was planning on staying for the birth of my baby and his first 8 weeks or so before moving out. But she is worried if I leave shortly after the baby is born, our 5 year old will somehow blame the baby. So she said she would rather I move out before the baby is born. I think this logic is sound, but I'm still confused and scared. I want to be there for my baby's birth but I know it might be uncomfortable for her.

I believe we've at least worked out a custody agreement. Both children will sleep at my place every Tuesday and Wednesday night and every other weekend. That gives me the kids 6 nights out of 14. Of course I told her I wouldn't take the baby from here the first 8 weeks because she'll be staying home that whole time. So I'll have to come here and do feedings and such. My W was very strong throughout this conversation. But since then she's been very broken up. I appreciate her feelings and she has the right to be sad. I'm sad too, I'm just trying not to let myself be overcome by it.

I guess I'm feeling kind of sad in general. As much as I know this is the right thing, to actually be only two months away from moving out is very bittersweet. I'm still very scared of not seeing my son everyday. He and I have an unbelievable bond and he's a strong kid so I know he'll be okay. But this will hurt him and I hate to do that. I'm also scared for my W. I didn't want her to have to face her last month of pregnancy alone. I mean I'll be there for her if she'll let me. I plan to keep my cell. phone on at all times so I can be reached. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like such a horrible person sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:11pm
Is it normal to sometimes feel like just turning back? I mean I don't really want to, but sometimes I get the urge to just turn back time and try to forget what I know. To go back to the way things were. It seems so much easier. I mean I do love my W. And my life is comfortable. I could just tell her I want to work it out and stay.

But I also know that all of this pain I've been going through and she's been going through aren't going to go away. The problem in our M isn't going to go away. And at some point down the road, I'd have to start this process again and I know it will be that much harder then.

I guess I'm just wondering if it is normal to have this urge to try to crawl back into my shell rather than try to fly on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:19pm
Yes, omaha...I think what you are feeling is normal. I think it is human nature to do what is "easy"...what is "comfortable"...even if it means staying where you don't want to be just because it is familiar and you know what to expect. We are all going through some serious life changes, and the road is full of obstacles and road blocks and pain, but we have to muddle through it...we have to forge ahead. We have to do is right for ourselves and our families. Perhaps you will be really happy with OW and your W will one day find someone who needs her just as much. I think making the change could ultimately be a gift to you both.

You are in my thoughts.....good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:17pm
After reading this posting I feel that your advice to me the other day is even more moving. I have seen your name here and there but am relatively new to the board (and thus the whole unfaithful thing) and didn't know your background. All I can say is wow...

Your advice the other day really did strike a chord. Clearly I am not as content in my marriage as it might appear -- perhaps the marriages that appear the most perfect are the ones that might be in the most trouble.

I just wanted to wish you luck in all that you are going through. You and your w are clearly very strong people to be facing the birth of a new child in the midst of all of this. You are clearly an expert in how damaging an A can be to many, many lives. I am thinking a lot about what you said. Of course, I admit, that I think about OM even more...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:10pm
oh yes. Every day I go through this too.

How easy would it be to just go backwards. Hey, it's not that my W drinks or spends too much or anything else.

If I decided to, I guess I could abandon my sexuality (again.) I could probably get used to all of the intense criticism (again.) I might even be able to accept that I am not a priority.

But previous attempts at giving another chance have failed. You're right, the problem most likely won't go away.

I feel for you. I know what you mean and it's tempting to stay. After all of this time, it's harder to imagine myself happy without her than it is unhappy with her. At least that experience I have had and can relate to.

I heard in a movie once that "Wisdom comes suddenly." In the same movie (I think) someone said "Knowledge is the one gift you can't give back." It would certainly be easier if we could.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:26am
You and I are in the same boat raining. I hope you are able to be strong also. Knowing what is right, as difficult as it was for me, was the easy part. Now I struggle every day with sticking to my decision. I'm thinking I need to focus on the details. If I start thinking about the big picture, that is when I lose my resolve.

It was a tough night last night though. Even though we've been over it a thousand times, my W asked me why I was leaving. It doesn't really matter what I say because she doesn't understand. She lives in a very small world and she's comfortable that way. She even told me that because of me she has expanded her perspective and was able to open up the amount that she has. When she said that, I realized that I had been carrying her in a lot of ways. But it was holding me down. I wasn't able to be the person I can be because I was spending all my time and energy helping her take baby steps. That may sound mean, but it is true. And I'm just tired. Then the guilt trips started. She told me she'll never love anyone again and never even try. She asked me what will happen if she loses her job next year. My response was, "At some point, you have to be responsible for you." I mean I can't go through every possible scenario and tell her it's going to be okay. I think it is going to take me leaving for her to truly accept this and begin to move on. I just wish the pregnancy wasn't involved. But that's the hand we've been dealt and we will both love our son. I'm just so worried about her and the baby. But she said she doesn't want a friend. She wants her husband. I don't even know what to say to that. Did I mention it was a tough night?

Well, I guess I made it through another day. She calmed down at the end of the night and said I should get my own bank accounts. I told her I wanted to talk to her this weekend when our son isn't home. That way we can work out the details because there is a lot that has to be figured out. This is without question the most agonizing experience I could imagine.

Still staying strong...just barely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:26am
Omaha, you have a wife that is at least TALKING. My stbXH would not talk anything about the separation details, never would agree to any temporary custody plans - he kept saying "I don't want to do this with you", then would turn tables on me once I presented MY plan as to how we are going to do custody and such. In a way you are in a better off place, but it does suck big time. Hang in there, you will get out of it stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 9:33am
I am so sad at your decision to leave.

I feel you will regret this for the rest of your life. You have no idea what your son will be going through without you there. Or your wife for that matter.

I know. I have a son. I left his father. My son would have never been okay if we did not reconcile.

Please re-think your decision.

You can only do this without the other person in your life. Things are much clearer when there is no contact. It sounds almost impossible but it is not.

I am over my boyfriend. I am in love with my husband. You can find the love again, if you try.

Please try.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:04am
The funny part is I thought the same as you Rose that he needs to rethink the decision about his wife and that his choice might be getting affected by OW but now I although still think that his choice is affected by OW but as far as his marriage is concerned there has been too much water under the bridge and it doesn’t seem repairable. Why did I have change of opinion? …LOL…Omaha not to sound condescending to you but after learning that you and your wife had open style marriage I have lost faith in you being together. I think that once a couple has had an open marriage and have given each permission to sleep with others, its very difficult to rebuild the respect for each other and recreate a relationship.


PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:02am
I don't feel that was condescending at all. In fact, I agree with you. The sexual history between us definitely damaged our relationship further. But the point you're missing is that the reason we got to that point is that we wouldn't acknowledge that our M was built on a poor foundation to begin with. It's not an excuse and if I could do it all over, I would choose the proper path. But that also means I'd already be divorced at this point. The sexual problems didn't cause the marriage to fail, they were just a symptom.

As far as regretting this, no matter what I do I'm sure I'll be filled with regret. As much as I'm scared of leaving and I hate to hurt people I love, I also know I'd regret staying even more and then at some point down the road I'd be going through this entire process and hurting them all again. I can't and won't do that. Maybe you think reconciliation is the way to go and I hope it does work for you. But you have to do it for the right reasons. I can't do it just because I'm worried about my kids or my W. It would have to be because I know she and I can build a R that will withstand the test of time. And I know that we can't. I appreciate the sentiment from both of you though. I'm not without fear and hurt. I just know that I'm doing the right thing so I have to deal with those feelings so that I can move on with my life. And my W will have to do the same. As far as my kids go, they will adapt and get through this because we are both good parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:29am
"But the point you're missing is that the reason we got to that point is that we wouldn't acknowledge that our M was built on a poor foundation to begin with."

I dunno about that but meant to say in my previous post that the open style marriage was the final nail to the coffin or a point of no return (it atleast would be if it were my marriage).

PG