Possibly leaving earlier than planned...
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| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:05pm |
I believe we've at least worked out a custody agreement. Both children will sleep at my place every Tuesday and Wednesday night and every other weekend. That gives me the kids 6 nights out of 14. Of course I told her I wouldn't take the baby from here the first 8 weeks because she'll be staying home that whole time. So I'll have to come here and do feedings and such. My W was very strong throughout this conversation. But since then she's been very broken up. I appreciate her feelings and she has the right to be sad. I'm sad too, I'm just trying not to let myself be overcome by it.
I guess I'm feeling kind of sad in general. As much as I know this is the right thing, to actually be only two months away from moving out is very bittersweet. I'm still very scared of not seeing my son everyday. He and I have an unbelievable bond and he's a strong kid so I know he'll be okay. But this will hurt him and I hate to do that. I'm also scared for my W. I didn't want her to have to face her last month of pregnancy alone. I mean I'll be there for her if she'll let me. I plan to keep my cell. phone on at all times so I can be reached. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like such a horrible person sometimes.

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But I also know that all of this pain I've been going through and she's been going through aren't going to go away. The problem in our M isn't going to go away. And at some point down the road, I'd have to start this process again and I know it will be that much harder then.
I guess I'm just wondering if it is normal to have this urge to try to crawl back into my shell rather than try to fly on my own.
You are in my thoughts.....good luck.
Your advice the other day really did strike a chord. Clearly I am not as content in my marriage as it might appear -- perhaps the marriages that appear the most perfect are the ones that might be in the most trouble.
I just wanted to wish you luck in all that you are going through. You and your w are clearly very strong people to be facing the birth of a new child in the midst of all of this. You are clearly an expert in how damaging an A can be to many, many lives. I am thinking a lot about what you said. Of course, I admit, that I think about OM even more...
How easy would it be to just go backwards. Hey, it's not that my W drinks or spends too much or anything else.
If I decided to, I guess I could abandon my sexuality (again.) I could probably get used to all of the intense criticism (again.) I might even be able to accept that I am not a priority.
But previous attempts at giving another chance have failed. You're right, the problem most likely won't go away.
I feel for you. I know what you mean and it's tempting to stay. After all of this time, it's harder to imagine myself happy without her than it is unhappy with her. At least that experience I have had and can relate to.
I heard in a movie once that "Wisdom comes suddenly." In the same movie (I think) someone said "Knowledge is the one gift you can't give back." It would certainly be easier if we could.
rain
It was a tough night last night though. Even though we've been over it a thousand times, my W asked me why I was leaving. It doesn't really matter what I say because she doesn't understand. She lives in a very small world and she's comfortable that way. She even told me that because of me she has expanded her perspective and was able to open up the amount that she has. When she said that, I realized that I had been carrying her in a lot of ways. But it was holding me down. I wasn't able to be the person I can be because I was spending all my time and energy helping her take baby steps. That may sound mean, but it is true. And I'm just tired. Then the guilt trips started. She told me she'll never love anyone again and never even try. She asked me what will happen if she loses her job next year. My response was, "At some point, you have to be responsible for you." I mean I can't go through every possible scenario and tell her it's going to be okay. I think it is going to take me leaving for her to truly accept this and begin to move on. I just wish the pregnancy wasn't involved. But that's the hand we've been dealt and we will both love our son. I'm just so worried about her and the baby. But she said she doesn't want a friend. She wants her husband. I don't even know what to say to that. Did I mention it was a tough night?
Well, I guess I made it through another day. She calmed down at the end of the night and said I should get my own bank accounts. I told her I wanted to talk to her this weekend when our son isn't home. That way we can work out the details because there is a lot that has to be figured out. This is without question the most agonizing experience I could imagine.
Still staying strong...just barely.
I feel you will regret this for the rest of your life. You have no idea what your son will be going through without you there. Or your wife for that matter.
I know. I have a son. I left his father. My son would have never been okay if we did not reconcile.
Please re-think your decision.
You can only do this without the other person in your life. Things are much clearer when there is no contact. It sounds almost impossible but it is not.
I am over my boyfriend. I am in love with my husband. You can find the love again, if you try.
Please try.
PG
As far as regretting this, no matter what I do I'm sure I'll be filled with regret. As much as I'm scared of leaving and I hate to hurt people I love, I also know I'd regret staying even more and then at some point down the road I'd be going through this entire process and hurting them all again. I can't and won't do that. Maybe you think reconciliation is the way to go and I hope it does work for you. But you have to do it for the right reasons. I can't do it just because I'm worried about my kids or my W. It would have to be because I know she and I can build a R that will withstand the test of time. And I know that we can't. I appreciate the sentiment from both of you though. I'm not without fear and hurt. I just know that I'm doing the right thing so I have to deal with those feelings so that I can move on with my life. And my W will have to do the same. As far as my kids go, they will adapt and get through this because we are both good parents.
I dunno about that but meant to say in my previous post that the open style marriage was the final nail to the coffin or a point of no return (it atleast would be if it were my marriage).
PG
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