Pregnancy + A + Life = Emotional Wreck
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| Sun, 10-12-2008 - 1:00pm |
I need some kind of help. Advice, a psychiatrist, medication, SOMEthing. I feel like i am losing control in my life. I have absolutely no energy, i am miserable to be around, i cry all the time and just want to be alone whenever i get the chance. I know I can blame a lot of that on my pregnancy (i am 16 weeks at the moment). I'm just not used to feeling this way, as I didnt experience any of this with DD.
On top of that, my A is just draining me emotionally. I never expected it to get to this point. A little background...
AP and I have known each other for about 7 years, but lost touch for about 5 of them and just this past May got back in contact. We always had a thing for each other back then, but nothing ever came of it bc I had a long-term boyfriend who i couldn't make myself leave. Since then I have been married to DH for 4 years and AP has had a serious GF for the same amount of time. Well like i said we've been back in contact since May and in July it became physical. And just in case youre curious, I know without a doubt that the baby is H's - go figure we have sex once every 6 months and we get pregnant). And just a few weeks ago AP and i told each other we love one another. And he truly is so perfect for me, but with our "real life" situations it's just too difficult to get together at this time. The thing that sucks the most is that I am so out of love with my H. Him and I barely ever spend any time together, we never have sex, we don't talk unless it's about DD, we have very little in common anymore, etc. (and its only been FOUR years!, ah!) So when I come home I am miserable, especially bc AP and his GF are "happier" than H and me. So while I know they are having a good time, I am being a pitiful mess. And to top it all off tomorrow they officially move in their apartment together. Last night I couldn't get any sleep bc I dreamt of them moving in about 3 times and the last time I woke up I could not get back to sleep bc my mind was racing. AP says that this is not going to change our relationship, but I know that this next step of moving in together is such a fun time (it was when H and I got our own place anyway) and they will probably become closer than ever. I picture them as a cute little husband and wife without the rings. It makes me want to throw up.
I also find myself comparing her to me a lot. She is currently going to school for her masters degree and I have one year of college under my belt and have to take 2 night classes a semester which isn't going to get me anywhere for like another 7 years. especially since next semester I have to take off to give birth to baby #2. she makes like 2.5 time more money than i do. And I look like crap bc of the pregnancy (instead of glowing and getting thick full hair - i break out and my hair thins worse than ever). so of course i compare my looks to hers as well. i mean he tells me i am the most beautiful thing, but he cant convince me. i just feel like hes going to come to his senses one day and realize that she's better than me anyway.
i just feel like once i lose him - which he swears is not going to happen, i dont know what i will do. i feel so awful bc i have an H who does a lot for me, a beautiful baby girl and a so far healthy one on the way. we have a house (which we cant really afford), but a place to live none the less and a supportive family. why am i unhappy??? i feel like im being a selfish brat. or maybe i really am depressed. either way, i dont know what to do. i feel so lost and helpless. i feel like i'm living the wrong life. we got married very young and that's basically why i stopped going to school. sometimes i resent DH for that, but he didnt force me to get married or quit school. i know i'm the one to blame, but i cant go back in time now. i just didnt picture this life at all. even though others would kill for what i have, i don't think i'm in the right place. i am a mess.
any insight would be wonderful. thank you.
Edited 10/12/2008 1:30 pm ET by lucky_lady23
| Sun, 10-12-2008 - 1:56pm |
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