pregnant w/AP's child (update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
pregnant w/AP's child (update)
18
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:31am

I posted back in April under another screen name(ampm) but I forgot my password, etc. so now I have a new screen name. Some of you may remember my story...


Anyway, found out I was pregnant. H and I had a paternity test using amniocentecis fluid. Turns out H is not the father so it is my AP's. H and I are separating( I had planned to ask for separation before pregnancy) I have an apt but haven't moved in yet. I am five months pregnant. We are telling friends and family that we are separating even though I am pregnant but we are not discussing the paternity issue. Its been a tough couple of months. H has gone through the cycles of grief - anger, denial, acceptance. When we found out he told me that he wished it was his child and that he will always care about what happens to me. Of course, I don't deserve his compassion but he's giving it to me anyway.


My AP has been freaking out since he heard the news and when the test confirmed that H wasn't the father, he went into full time freak out mode. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the past year. We have spent a lot of time together since we found out that I'm pregnant. Sometimes he even made me feel hopeful that we would be together. He is Married but unhappily so(according to him) He and his W have not been spending much time together. he is always on the phone with me at all hours of the night. But now she has decided to spend more time at home and he told me a couple of days ago that she is acting nice toward him and they have been talking about their M. Here are some things he has said to me:



  • I didn't have a choice in this(pregnancy)

  • why didn't you tell me when you first found out so we could discuss it(trans: why didn't you tell me earlier so I could convince you to terminate)

  • I imagined us being together but not with a baby(no trans. needed)

  • I have so much to deal with and now this

  • How am I going to explain this to my family?

and he repeats these things over and over again.


My response:



  • I know you didn't ask to father a child. If you don't want to be involved I'll understand

  • Don't tell your family right now. Take time to figure out what you want to do

  • I don't expect anything from you.

Do I mean all of these things ?- not really. Why do I say them? My pride.


Last night though, he really broke my heart. He started talking about his other life and how he wants his kids(the ones that already exist) to have two parents and that his wife wants to make it work but he's not sure if they can. Sounded like a big kiss off to me. I told him that he should stay put and work things out with his wife and good luck with it. He says he doesnt know what he wants to do. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he would. That his indecisiveness tells me that he doesn't want to be with me.


I'm just so tired of this. I loved him but I don't know if I do anymore. Because I know I deserve more. Part of me wants to leave the door open in case he changes his mind. Part of me wants to slam it shut once and for all.


Sorry this is so long. Been up all night crying. So depressed and stressed out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:49am

Hi Pm_owl,


Hope this message greets you well and that today you are better then you were yesterday. Today is a new day so keep your head up and think of how blessed this baby is to have you. You are stronger then you think and although this pregnancy came about in a way that you never planned its here and you have to live for you and the baby now.


I know your in hurt mode right now but that is not healthy for both you and the child your carrying. You have to get in survival mode and know that whether AP is there to support you or not

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 2:15pm

pm - I am sending you an enormous hug!!


I know if I became pregnant, my AP would respond in the same way yours has.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 3:01pm

Hi Owl,

mm here in an A.. just wanted to share a few thoughts..

the other posters have brought out some really good ideas..

i wanted to focus on "him".. let me just say that i think you are letting him off the hook way too easily.. he's not a little kid, he's an adult, and there are consequences to adult behaviour.. he's also the father of the child..

i think, along with whatever may or may not happen in his M, he needs to step up to the plate and be a father to this child in whatever fashion you see fit.. especially financially if nothing else.. he cannot use the excuse of his damaging his family not to care for this child.. he needs to man up.. he's not the first or the last man to find himself in this situation.. how he deals with it defines what kind of a man he is.. either for you and the baby or for his own family..

anyway, whatever form the support and being a father may take shape is up to you, first and foremost.. but don't let him take the easy (for him) way out using his family as a poor excuse.. what's happened is real, and for the sake of the future of the baby, if life gets to be a bit tough for him, so be it.. he chose to be in the kitchen, now is the time to deal with the heat..

best of luck.. and do keep us posted..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 3:28pm

Thanks for your thoughts. I know I should ask for child support but that just seems so messy going to court and all, forcing it out of him. Thats not what I want and I know it would end any chance of a relationship for us. (although chances now are slim to none)


I know I will have to set aside my pride. Its just that I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 4:22pm

if I found myself pregnant by my AP and he acted the way yours is currently acting, I would give him exactly 1 month to make a decision. In the mean time, I would go NC completely and just focus on moving on. To be fair to him, you have had about 4 months more time to come to terms with the pregnancy, and he may just need time for that to sink in. In the mean time, there is a baby growing every moment of every day. You have already relieved your stbxh from all paternal responsibilities. Now, if your AP decides he does not want to be part of this childs life, I would deny paternity completely. I would never ever ever name the biological father of the child and let the birth certificate read "father unknown" and move on. I would not ask for child support, or provide so much as a verbal update to him regarding the child. The only thing you absolutely MUST ask him for is a medical history, so that in the event of a medical necessity, you can use that info to protect your child. Your child has a right to know if

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 4:56pm
I disagree with your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 5:36pm

  • I didn't have a choice in this(pregnancy)

He didn't have a choice?

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 6:47pm

pm_owl, I'm so sorry you're going through this! Believe me, I can relate in some ways (No, never got pregnant from an AP, but my first pregnancy was an unplanned one that many people wanted me to abort. I didn't).

Your AP is being a jerk. He may accept it eventually and want to give you some support. I agree with a previous poster that your child should have his/her father in their life if possible, and he should surely contribute financially. Unfortunately, you won't be able to force him to have a relationship, but then he can answer to his child when grown; you won't have to answer to him/her for deliberately keeping his/her father away from him/her. Trust me, teenagers can use things against you that you never imagined, and no amount of explaining seems to help.

I wish I could help more than just giving you a cyber (((hug))) sweetie. Do you have real friends and family to lean on? You will need them in the coming months! The raging hormones of pregnancy are hard enough to deal with in a regular situation never-mind a tough one like this. Please lean on us also! Take care.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 7:58pm
I am not sure but I think legally , if you are married to your husband while you have this child he is also be responsible for taking care of the child .
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:08pm

"I am not sure but I think legally , if you are married to your husband while you have this child he is also be responsible for taking care of the child . "


The laws vary by state.


I agree with a couple of the other posters: if AP doesn't want to be involved physically in your child's life, I would at least hold him accountable financially.

anotherseyes

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