pregnant w/AP's child (update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
pregnant w/AP's child (update)
18
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:31am

I posted back in April under another screen name(ampm) but I forgot my password, etc. so now I have a new screen name. Some of you may remember my story...


Anyway, found out I was pregnant. H and I had a paternity test using amniocentecis fluid. Turns out H is not the father so it is my AP's. H and I are separating( I had planned to ask for separation before pregnancy) I have an apt but haven't moved in yet. I am five months pregnant. We are telling friends and family that we are separating even though I am pregnant but we are not discussing the paternity issue. Its been a tough couple of months. H has gone through the cycles of grief - anger, denial, acceptance. When we found out he told me that he wished it was his child and that he will always care about what happens to me. Of course, I don't deserve his compassion but he's giving it to me anyway.


My AP has been freaking out since he heard the news and when the test confirmed that H wasn't the father, he went into full time freak out mode. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the past year. We have spent a lot of time together since we found out that I'm pregnant. Sometimes he even made me feel hopeful that we would be together. He is Married but unhappily so(according to him) He and his W have not been spending much time together. he is always on the phone with me at all hours of the night. But now she has decided to spend more time at home and he told me a couple of days ago that she is acting nice toward him and they have been talking about their M. Here are some things he has said to me:



  • I didn't have a choice in this(pregnancy)

  • why didn't you tell me when you first found out so we could discuss it(trans: why didn't you tell me earlier so I could convince you to terminate)

  • I imagined us being together but not with a baby(no trans. needed)

  • I have so much to deal with and now this

  • How am I going to explain this to my family?

and he repeats these things over and over again.


My response:



  • I know you didn't ask to father a child. If you don't want to be involved I'll understand

  • Don't tell your family right now. Take time to figure out what you want to do

  • I don't expect anything from you.

Do I mean all of these things ?- not really. Why do I say them? My pride.


Last night though, he really broke my heart. He started talking about his other life and how he wants his kids(the ones that already exist) to have two parents and that his wife wants to make it work but he's not sure if they can. Sounded like a big kiss off to me. I told him that he should stay put and work things out with his wife and good luck with it. He says he doesnt know what he wants to do. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he would. That his indecisiveness tells me that he doesn't want to be with me.


I'm just so tired of this. I loved him but I don't know if I do anymore. Because I know I deserve more. Part of me wants to leave the door open in case he changes his mind. Part of me wants to slam it shut once and for all.


Sorry this is so long. Been up all night crying. So depressed and stressed out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:36pm
I am not sure but I think legally , if you are married to your husband while you have this child he is also be responsible for taking care of the child .



You really think she should go after her husband for child support for her lover's child?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:01pm

Hugs pm_owl ... I'm sorry you are going thru all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:08pm

Owl,


interesting how there are so many twists and turns about this matter.. as there should be..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:32pm

Thanks everyone for your response, I appreciate all of them.


Just to answer a few questions:



  • I live in CA, and I believe that my husband is legally considered the father of the child and would be responsible. I'm sure he could fight this now that he has paternity test results. I would NEVER ask him to support a child that is not his. But I believe he would help me if I asked. He is a good person, one that deserves someone better than me.

  • I told my AP about the pregnancy about a month after I found out. I was two months pregnant at the time, so I could've still terminated the pregnancy. However, I believe this was my choice not his. I'm pro choice but I chose to go through with the pregnancy, even though I wasn't thrilled. Had an abortion when I was 17 and afraid my parents would disown me. One abortion in a lifetime is enough for me.

  • I do have a support system. My therapist, my sister and a couple of friends. however, none of them has actually had an affair ( that I know of) so that is why I seek support hear. My sister says she will be in the delivery room with me. Actually the operating room. I'm having a c-section.

  • I'm 43 years old and really should've know better.

Again, thanks for your comments and suggestions


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 12:03am

Just wanted to give you a hug and maybe inappropriately say that I am insanely jealous of your awesome ovaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 12:30am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 11:45am

pm - i hope you are able to enjoy the excitement of having a baby!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 11:49am
Thanks, justlivin. I don't think I will put anyone's name on the birth certificate. It would be wrong to name my H and I don't want AP's name on there either if he is not going to be around. Its very sad, my little boy will have "father unknown" on the certificate. Maybe one day down the line I'll meet someone else who will want to adopt him and be his father . But that some day is very far away.

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