prespective needed, by men too!!
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prespective needed, by men too!!
| Fri, 03-26-2010 - 11:46am |
I have been in a very slow moving A for almost a year. He seems to be hot and cold and because it is a LDR where we see each other only when I am in town, it makes it difficult.
He was hesitant at first, after initially coming on to me strong. He felt weird he said because I was married. He knew this when he was coming on to me!
After my not speaking to him after getting fed up with his hot and cold actions, I saw him again and we got together (we had not had sex yet). I am not being naive here as I know this is about sex but I also know he LIKES me as a person. Certain times he'll tell me exactly how it is and other times its like banging my head against a wall. We only talk online, no phone. He will always decide when he wants to talk and then come online and talk. He is not a big talker so after saying hi how are you, will stop mid conversation unless he wants to see me, but he could contact me every day or go two weeks. It's weird!!
I have been alone here for over three weeks. He has not come over once. He continues to contact me though. He was supposed to come over the other night and didn't show.He has done this a few times, even very early on. Came on later that night and apologized, said he had just gotten in, had some drinks, etc. I told him I could have done something else as was asked to visit with a friend. He said he now owed me. I told him he didn't and told him if he did not want to be with me or come over he just needed to tell me. He said "who says I didn't want to?" I am very attracted to him, like being with him and the sex is great. He even says so. I know he sees this girl every so often but do not know if he is seeing anyone else. He tells me it is very difficult to find someone. He is in his 30's and never married. I am older. He is very hard to get anything out of although at times he will talk, just not about how he feels. I feel like he wants it his way and is used to doing what he wants. He doesn't really pay any attention to how his actions affect others although he's great at apologizing. I try not to get too attached because I know what this is yet I am confused. I feel if he really wanted to be with me he would, right? So I am not clear why he doesn't try to come see me, but wants to stay in contact. I went to see him at work the other night and we had a great conversation, he was fine, didn't act like he didn't want to see me. He has said on several occasions he has never "done this before." I am not sure if he is trying to keep his distance, isn't that interested (although he contacts me a lot), or he isn't thinking much at all! Any perspective would be greatly appreciated!
He was hesitant at first, after initially coming on to me strong. He felt weird he said because I was married. He knew this when he was coming on to me!
After my not speaking to him after getting fed up with his hot and cold actions, I saw him again and we got together (we had not had sex yet). I am not being naive here as I know this is about sex but I also know he LIKES me as a person. Certain times he'll tell me exactly how it is and other times its like banging my head against a wall. We only talk online, no phone. He will always decide when he wants to talk and then come online and talk. He is not a big talker so after saying hi how are you, will stop mid conversation unless he wants to see me, but he could contact me every day or go two weeks. It's weird!!
I have been alone here for over three weeks. He has not come over once. He continues to contact me though. He was supposed to come over the other night and didn't show.He has done this a few times, even very early on. Came on later that night and apologized, said he had just gotten in, had some drinks, etc. I told him I could have done something else as was asked to visit with a friend. He said he now owed me. I told him he didn't and told him if he did not want to be with me or come over he just needed to tell me. He said "who says I didn't want to?" I am very attracted to him, like being with him and the sex is great. He even says so. I know he sees this girl every so often but do not know if he is seeing anyone else. He tells me it is very difficult to find someone. He is in his 30's and never married. I am older. He is very hard to get anything out of although at times he will talk, just not about how he feels. I feel like he wants it his way and is used to doing what he wants. He doesn't really pay any attention to how his actions affect others although he's great at apologizing. I try not to get too attached because I know what this is yet I am confused. I feel if he really wanted to be with me he would, right? So I am not clear why he doesn't try to come see me, but wants to stay in contact. I went to see him at work the other night and we had a great conversation, he was fine, didn't act like he didn't want to see me. He has said on several occasions he has never "done this before." I am not sure if he is trying to keep his distance, isn't that interested (although he contacts me a lot), or he isn't thinking much at all! Any perspective would be greatly appreciated!

Hi Nolove4me.
I could nearly have written your post word for word! I am a WM with a SM (ok he has a girl in his life, but I'm not sure what they are).
My A has been going on for about a year, and like yours it very slow moving. He's rarely around in person, non of our contact is via phone, always online chat, or texting.
Hes hot and cold with the physical, and we actually have not had IC,
Mom,
He said this BEFORE we had sex. Once we had sex he has not mentioned feeling guilty and when I first came here he was bugging me when he could see me because I had company. He even snuck over when a sibling was here and we had sex so I think his guilt is gone. He knows my H cheated on me with several women and other things that had gone on. As for others, he doesn't have a GF he has a girl he sees once in awhile who is an old fling. I do not act jealous at all and he tells me he the problems of not finding anyone.
I don't know why he comes on strong then backs off. I am not needy, I just don't understand what is going on. I'm very careful to give him his space and don't question what he does or why.
Taken, Ive seen this before. I do not have any answers for you. If I ever do get any, I'll let you know. I've asked men friends about this and their basic answer is he's a jerk, let him go. I do not believe he does this to hurt me or he is uncaring. I try not to analyze too often but I do wish I knew why. I'm working on myself and trying to free myself from this as I know no good will come of it and I will ultimately end up being hurt over and over because I do CARE for him. Having amazing sex doesn't help. I know this happens often with men and MW. It think we are easy to do this too because they know we are always here. Maybe I need to not be too accessible.
Hi nolove4me,
MM here.
I hate to be blunt, but if the sex is really amazing, why isn't that enough. I mean, I don't imagine that you are thinking you might marry this guy some day, so is it possible that you could find a way to just enjoy it for what it is?
I think it is fair for you to expect him to treat you nicely, keep to the plans he's made and be somewhat dependable, but do you really want more? He might come on strong and then back off simply because he is youngish, or maybe he's never had a serious relationship, or maybe he is worried about getting hurt. He might be scared of becoming to attached to you and getting his own feelings hurt.
It sounds like that you two have a really nice time, if you keep the other stuff out of it. Why not try that? Don't worry too much about what he is feeling, or not feeling. Listen, quite honestly, he probably thinks you are damn sexy and loves being intimate with you. I don't know, but that seems like a pretty sweet deal.
I honestly don't mean to come off as rude. I am in an A and my emotions are deeply involved. I am not saying it is easy, but I think you could also be realistic. I also know that some people can't have sex without getting their emotions involved ( I am a man, and I know that I can't have casual sex ).
I do think there may be some truth in you being too available, but that might be affecting you more than it does him. Perhaps it would help for you to be a little less available, but to really enjoy the time you have together. Assuming you still want that.
I hope none of this offends. I know how difficult this can be. Believe me, I also know how much it can hurt.
Good luck,
MPV
Thank you so much for your insight. You have in no way offended me at all! I much prefer truth and honesty.
The other night, when he blew me off, I got the feeling he did not WANT to be with me (even though he was the one who said he wanted to see me when I asked if he wanted to come over that night). I feel he would have made the effort if he really wanted to see me and felt maybe he was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. I told him he did not have to come over if he did not want to. He said "who says I don't want to?" I was trying to give him an out. I do not want him to feel like he has to say yes or accommodate me.
The other night he contacted me as well and I got the feeling he wanted to come over by stuff he was saying so asked him then too and he asked for a rain check (it was late). I was fine with it. I would never want someone to be with me if they really weren't feeling it.
Like I said it has been three weeks since we have been together. I felt if he WANTED to be with me he would. I am not looking for more than what we have but it feels...........like I am walking on eggshells. I feel like I have to be careful and not contact him too much because he'll think I am needy so I try to let him be the one to make contact. I had asked if he was available in a quick IM one time and that was ignored (he was not online but never responded, that has happened before as well). I wont even ask him why he does this because I am afraid it makes me look like I care or am too emotional. See where this is going?
I am happy to just hang out, talk, have sex. I do not feel comfortable just emailing to say hi because then either I feel I look needy or he'll blow me off and I'll get my feelings hurt. There is a fine line and sometimes I don't even know where it is. I am not in love with him and do not want more from him, except to spend more time with me while I am here alone. You would think he'd want to take advantage of it. I think that is the part I do not get. It confuses me that he knows I am alone and does not want to see me.
We discussed this in the beginning, he even asked me what I wanted with "us" and we both agreed a FWB would be great. I want FUN and LAUGHS along with the good sex. He's been told many times I am easy going and have NO expectations. I will ask him to come over because I never know when he wants to. He told me to ask and if he can he will. So, I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. What is too much? What is too little?
A few months ago, before I came down here, I had not heard from him in a month. I had emailed(even a quick Merry Christmas, nothing more) with no response. I emailed him and told him I was no longer going to contact him because I felt he was no longer interested and did not want to bother him. Two nights later he IMs hello like nothing has happened asking me when I was coming down. I was so shocked I just answered him. Next day I wrote and asked why he contacted me when I had just emailed him telling him I would not contact him and he made it clear he was not interested. He said I was over thinking and started joking saying I should write soap operas or romance novels. He was trying to make light and told me to just" go with the flow." I told him this was difficult since there was no flow.
We didn't discuss it again and when he knew I was down he contacted me every single day because he knew I had company but wanted to see me (it had been months since we saw each other). He ended up sneaking over when my sister was here. He said he wanted to wait till I had no company then changed his mind one night.
Being blown off and treated like I do not exist, to me, is not being FWB. If it truly is because he doesn't want to get attached, I understand that but as it stands I feel like any move I make will be misconstrued as caring too much, having too much emotion or whatever he thinks it could be. He told me before he isn't dating because there is too much "drama and BS."
Women are lead to believe the power of sex is strong enough but it really isn't! I look like I am trying to over analyze but what it really is about is trying to find the happy medium and I do not know what that is. It shouldn't be this difficult! I feel like it is all about HIM.
Does this clarify it a bit better? I thank you for man's perspective!!!