Prison Wife's Affair..and now pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Prison Wife's Affair..and now pregnant
4
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 12:46am
Well, here I am, sending this out into cyber space, hoping someone will have some advice!

My husband has been in prison for over 3 years for a drunk driving accident. I can admit that I haven't been the most faithful wife, that this situation is one of the hardest things I have ever had to live through, and well, I just broke at some points. Most recently 5 weeks ago, RIGHT after I got out of the hospital after having a slight nervous breakdown from all of the stress of doing this all alone (raising kids, being sole support system, not having friends, etc etc) Found out I was bipolar and am doing better now..anyhow, had a "one night stand" right after I was home from the hospital... I don't even know why..I guess I was reaching out and trying to find some sort of emotional support, as I don't have any..I was looking for a connection, someone to hold me and make me feel better..and I never find it that way and I don't know WHY I keep doing it when I never find what I am looking for. I DO love my husband and I want more then ANYTHING to be a good wife to him, but I just keep freaking everything up!! I've told him of a previous affair and he coped ok, and was understanding. I DIDN'T PUT US IN THIS SITUATION!! I didn't ASK For him to make a stupid STUPID choice and leave me all alone out here with the kids and everything else! I guess when I cheat, I almost feel justified and I know thats sad....... Now here's the big thing. I took a home pregnancy test on Friday..and guess what? I've REALLY Gone and screwed up now and even though NEVER in my life have I thought of abortion, I am considering it now! Look at where my morals have gone! I am SO disappointed and disgusted with myself that I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I can see this as the changing point in my life, where I decide if I am going to stay with Husband or go.......and I really want him...I see things so clearly now but its too little too late..................I am so MAD!! If anyone has any advice, I would truly appreciate it....please don't slam me TOO hard..I feel bad enough. Like trash actually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 08-17-2003 - 6:18pm
Hi Swell,

I just felt like I needed to respond to your post. I haven't been in your position, nor do I know anyone that has. But...please don't be so hard on yourself. You coped as long as you could without some physical contact from a man and it is understandable. I do not have any children, but I cannot imagine having to raise any by myself.

First of all, how understanding is your husband? I think that is the question that you need to ask yourself. Would he be willing to forgive you and raise another man's child? I am not condoning abortion, but I think that every woman has the right to make that decision for herself without judgement. I don't think that you have bad morals either. I think that you had just reached a point that you needed someone and the one that you love wasn't there for you. You were only being human, like the rest of us.

Just take some time and think this thing through. If you feel like the only way out of this is the abortion, then you have to decide that for yourself. If you think that having this baby will not ruin your relationship with your husband and he may be willing to help you raise it, then maybe that is an option. Have you thought about adoption if the thought of abortion is too much? There are many options out there for you--don't despair! You really need to call someone, such as a crisis hotline in your town, or someone close to you that can help you through this. Don't do this alone. Please get some help from someone. Not everyone in this world is critical of others. Everyone makes mistakes, and we on this board, are no different from you.

Take care.

H&H

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 2:10am
Hey you, don't be too hard on yourself. You sound like someone who is just lonley and looking for love in the wrong place. Since the most important thing to do is deal with this pregnancy, I think that is a priority. Having worked in Planned Parenthood for years, I know that your window of op. for a safe abortion closes at around 4 months. You don't want to be forced to deliver or have a surgical removal by procrastinating. Now i know many people won't agree with me, but I am strongly pro-choice. Never use abortion as birth control, but to make life changing decisions.You obviously love your DH. Great. And wonderful that he understood and forgave your previous A. He is a good man, and trust me, no man will forgive this baby. Everytime he looks at it, it will be a constant reminder of your betrayal when he was gone. The trust will be gone, and he WILL look at you with disgust.

You don't love the man you had the one night stand with, so why carry his child. Its not worth it to bring another fatherless baby into this world. Think only about its needs and not your own. Babies are about being selfless. So think who would you have it for. And can you explain yourself to him-her later.

Next are you financially secure, kids are expensive can you cope later on with this child, or will it just end up in foster care once your DH is released. And next, as you are already diagosed with a disorder, think about having to get off your medication for the duration of the pregnancy. Most Drugs are too strong for the baby, and especially the first 3 months, the baby should develop drug free.

You are NOT a bad person, just have some tough things to think about, so good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 7:17am
being pregnant is about 1/2 your worries! Ever heard of a condom? Hopefully you'll get tested for HIV! Screwing up is one thing, but being just dumb is another!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 11:57am
I am not going to put you down for the things that have happened. That is the past and you are going to have to live with those choices for the rest of your life and you are going to have to be the one to work through your guilt not anyone else. Yes a condem is a good idea and the worry not only about a baby but also ANY STD not just HIV.

I have a friend who is BiPolar and she is pregnant and she had to get off her meds for the time being and she is having a really rough time...I take her daughter (who is 2) for her quite a bit because coping is not easy for her. Think about that when making your decision.

But as somoeone said...you made a choice and it turned into circumstances that SHOULD have been thought about before hand...but like 99% of people you are human and didn't think about any of that. There is no reason to make yourself sick with guilt over it...in the end it won't make any difference.


I have been in the position as to have an abortion or not! IT is a gut wrenching decision..but as someone said will you be able to emotionally and financially take care of this child and will your H be able to accept the child? Knowing my personal experience...no I don't think he will...no matter how hard he tries or wants to for that matter he will see (maybe not everytime) but he will see betrayal when he looks at the child. Do you really want to out yourself, your other children , your DH and most importantly this child through that. Adoption is a great option....there are so many loving wonderful people out there that are not intersted in the reasons why you want to do this but people that want to take your child and care and raise it as it is their own. I went thought this with SIL and there are so many people out there...you would be amazed!

Yes as you said you didn't cause the what happened to your H...you did not make this choice and being lonely is a hard thing to deal with...especially when you didn't chose to be that way. I can see your anger towards the situation and even DH, but now there are choices that have to be made because of the choices you chose to make due to the circumstances he put you in! IT is a vicious cycle and if you do not CHOSE to stop it now it will continue. Just because someone made a stupid choice does not mean everyone has to suffer forever.

Good luck to you and we are all here for you...no matter what you decide. There are going to be people out there that are going to be hateful and judgemental...just remember you asked for advice and you are going to have to take the good with the bad!

Big Hugs to you...Good luck! Red