Prodigal poster

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Prodigal poster
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 1:53am

I feel like this should be an introduction since have I been gone too long to simply say "I'm back."  But I have posted here before - I don't even remember when.

I am married with 2 grown children - and an MM for the past 7 years.  We work together (I won't cover the entire story again).  As I mentioned in another post, our work lives and personal lives are changing so that we have less time together and less hope of a future than we had before.  Seven years may be our limit, but they have all been good.

He has been on a trip to remote locations the last 3 weeks and communication has been restricted.  Part of me accepts that he has done the best he could - but part of me wonders if he is using the travel as an excuse to separate from me.  i am quite frustrated and lacking confidence at this point - thinking that he is planning the end.  I have played that scene in my head every day so I won't be surprised if that is his decision.  I have also considerd my own decisions, and while I would mourn losing him, I know it is time to move on.  Not because I don't love him but because there is no point in me wanting something I can't have.

My DH is a "good man" but so unlike MM.  Not talkative, very pessimistic, and not passionate - while MM is very talkative, very optimistic and very passionate.  i would usually be hopeful that MC could bring us back to each other, but that seems like too much to ask. And I worry about how honest I could be.

Ironically, another man from my past has been approaching me about a relationship.  I laughed because it would be a disaster on multiple levels!  Plus his advances only solidified for me:  I am in love with MM.

That's my story.  I expect to be here in tears, but I'm glad this place still exists for the joys and sorrows of an affair.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 4:25am
Autremoi - I love your name. It's French for "other me" right?

7 years is a very long time. Maybe he realizes you two can't go on with a lifelong A. I think there's a moment in every A when the people involved just can't keep going on forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 3:11pm

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through, the past 3 weeks especially.  It's not a fun position to be in, playing out these scenarios in your head when you don't know what he's thinking.  After 6 years in my A, I can come to the same conclusions you are - that it's a lot easier to not want something you can't have.  Yet I don't seem too willing to give up and accept the end has come.  I really think I believed we'd be together the rest of our lives in whatever capacity.

I feel somewhat awkward writing this because, like you said, what we're dealing with right now is so similar.  You'll definitely be in my thoughts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 5:52pm

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I really don't know what I want anymore.  DH just gave me an Act of Service by going to the grocery - and then MM called while my phone was dead to say he was trying to get back tomorrow.  I couldn't eat all day so maybe I will at least lose weight.

Through tears today, I did type my resume and applied for three jobs.  One company wants to see me tomorrow (!) which made me feel better.  And then - it pulls me away from MM.

There is not way to win this, is there?


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 8:36am
Hugs to you, I hope your feeling better. It is extremely hard when the dynamics of your A change because of outside factors. We tend then to feast on the what-if's and why's thus focusing everything on us. What we feel, what we think and how we act. In turn we want men to act, think and feel the same, this is our failure because it's not going to happen. I often think about why I spent so much time carrying the burden of the A, if he didn't want it as much as I did, why did I constantly hold on. Living for him or anyone else isn't really living, you have to live for yourself and others in your life are enhancements. Anyway, sorry if I got off track, try and remember he does have things he has to do, men think idle chit chat is frivolous and when he gets to where you are within reaching distance I believe the contact will improve.

"There is not a way to win this, is there?" What do you want to win?

It is an A, an enhancement to your life and his, when it stops being that it is time to let go, distance doesn't ruin R's doubts do, so by infesting your brain with what-if's your dumping on gasoline. Don't make it go up in flames, wait and see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 11:10pm

Thanks for all your replies.  Just to let you know, i went to AAS also.  I don't know where I belong.

What do I want?  the million dollar question.  I want  MM to simply step into the place that DH occupies - become the husband and the father and the future of my life.   But that means DH disappears or realizes he can't fulfill me - and that is not real, not possible,  Nor is it possible for me to become DW - to take the place of mother and DIL that she has occupied for so many years. Even with grown children, we face the complications of parents and siblings and friends and ... reality.

So he is back, saying all the right things - which is comforting - but  I am left with uncertainty about our future.   he is still an enhancement, he is still exciting and enticing and so very sensual - yet I don't know how long this goes on, how long his attraction has a purpose.

i just wish he wasn't so damn cute.

Autre Moi