Proper anger management

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Proper anger management
12
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:16am
The NC is still going on between MM and I. He is on the computer logged in to IM quite a bit, and refuses to be the first to communicate. Maybe I am being stubborn, but I feel as though he has treated me disrespectfully, and I refuse to give in. There has been no aurgument what-so-ever. The communication just stopped. Maybe this is his way of ending it. It is fine with me at this point. I already decided before this that he was a jerk. Sooo, now I am left with the decision as to whether or not to email him one last letter to say my peace. I am so angry right now that I would not know what to say in it without stooping to his level. I will be removing him from my contact list tonight. I am sick of seeing him log in and not speak to me. Anyone have any opinions on this??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:21am
I think that removing him from your contact list is a really good idea. Why torture yourself? Would you walk by the bakery if you were on a diet?

I don't know if this is his way of ending it - I tend to think NOT. I tend to think he is just doing his thing and not really thinking about how it is effecting you. This happens often in EMAs.

Just the same, I wouldn't pursue it if I were you. You sound very angry, and this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I would simply remove him from my contact list and resolve to not have any contact with him going forward.

If you need support in this, let me know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:28am
Hi adara... hon I think I really have to agree with yoga on this one... remove him and don't torture yourself any longer. I know that this has been really hard for you... but you deserve so much better than this.

There is no point hanging on to something that is only making you angry... remove him and avoid the temptation.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:30am
Thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Yes, I believe I am making the right move also. You guys are completely right..I am torturing myself by seeing him online. I definately do not need to do that anymore. I am removing him now. Maybe then I can relax and get on with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:34am
If it makes you feel any better, Adara, I went through this with a friend of mine. He and I used to IM a lot, and then he started to ignore me more and more. It got to me, and I used to note to myself when he was online and when he logged off. And I got more and more upset. Then one day, I simply removed him from my contacts. WOW, what a good move that was!! All of a sudden, I wasn't upset anymore. I would go online, and I wouldn't immediately THINK of him. We are no longer friends. And I am happy anyway!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:39am
He is off of my contact list now. I think this will help me to move on. You are sooo right! It hurts me everytime I see him online and he does not contact me. And yes, I know this is unhealthy for me to stress about this all of the time. The relationship obviously was bound for disaster, and I am glad to be done with it. Now I just need to work on my self-esteem issues because of feeling rejected, and also try to get the nagging question "Why is he doing this??" out of my mind. I hope you guys don't mind if I still visit here. I may need to vent more as time passes. Thank you all so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:41am
Adara, if you are serious about ending this and working on your self esteem, then you need to VOW to yourself NOT to get into another affair. You have a lot of work to do on yourself after an affair ends, and it won't be easy. But you can do it! If I could do it, ANYONE can. Trust me. I was the most confused and needy and sad person around, despite being married with two great kids, a great career, a great figure, a pretty face. My life felt empty though. Now it doesn't. Having a rocky affair is worse than having NO affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:43am
Good girl!! it's a start for you and hopefully you can now move forward. Don't think why he did this... just think... it's his loss! and it is... don't ever blame yourself for it.

and adara... you're more than welcome to stay around and vent, cry and even laugh when you need to.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:52am
My plan is exactly that! I believe the only REAL reason I got involved with this in the first place was because of my own insecurities. My H is a great guy, and wonderful father. I do love him, but we have grown so apart. The ego boost was all I needed to jump onboard with this other guy. Sad to say...but the attention I got from him was like winning the lottery! Now I am feeling depressed again, and worthless. I know that I have alot to offer. I am very independent and successful in my career, I have a wonderful family, and I am attractive both physically and personality-wise. I just need to remember all of that when I am feeling desperate. I suppose after 11 years of marriage, my husband does not feel the need to show me affection and attention as he should. I feel I am just living with him...sort of like a roommate. Crazy, I know. And yes, I have told him my feelings, and things do change for a little while, then back to the same old thing again. I just have this thought in my head that life is so short, and why spend it with no excitement? My M is to say the least, dull. Yes, I have quite a bit of self-image and self-worth issues to resolve before I can work on adding excitement to my life. I am hoping to work through this quickly. Thanks for your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:56am
Thank you! I really do need to talk more about this, and of course, my friends would not understand where I am coming from. They have no idea what I have been doing. I am so glad I found this board...I couldn't ask for a better bunch. I know some judgements are passed on people sometimes, but I have not had that experience here yet. I have had nothing but great advice given to me, and it has helped me to get off of a sinking ship!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:12am
Hi Adara,

I just read this thread and agree with Yoga and Sweet. You are now making decisions to do what's best for you. THAT alone will help you with the self esteem issues. Suddenly you realize that you are important and what's best for you is good for you, too.

A note about your M... a friend has recently pointed out to me that often our Hs react to us in a set pattern, and part of that is our own fault. We fell into the pattern too. I started demanding that my H be more affectionate and show some passion for me.... but what did *I* do to generate that kind of reaction for him? My usual routines and complaints! So now I am focusing on *acting* like a sexy, passionate woman around him and noting how his reaction to me changes... I'm not just the W anymore!

Think about what you can do to show your H how YOU have changed, and that will help encourage a different reaction from him. And talk! Talk to him about what you want, what you need, what you would like to give to him. These discussions CAN be done in a way that is non-threatening but still honest and productive. It's all about your M and what you both want that R to be...

good luck! And by all means stick around. This board has been very constructive in helping me work on my M, and any support I can offer you is the benefit of my experience here!

-lily

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