Pursue or leave alone...?
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| Tue, 05-26-2009 - 6:05pm |
I am married, and, Well, I have met the man I want to be my first AP with. We had great emails, great phone conversations, and when We met for coffee, it went great. There is a physical and emotional connection between us. We are on the same page about what we are looking for. It seems like everything was falling into place. On Saturday his W was going to go into work, but decided last minute not to, so we couldnt meet up. He was planning on going to the gym so he could call me, but then his W decided she wanted to go with him. On Thursday, his W is supposed to be going out of town for work, so we made plans to be together. Now she is wanting him to go with her. Supposedly she is wary of him staying home and isn't buying any of his "excuses", although they actually arent just excuses. He really CANT leave work... He insists she has never questioned him before, and nothing between us has happened yet, so I dont know why she is being so protective.
I understand his W comes first, and we dont want to get caught, but at the same time, I really want this to happen. So, I am feeling like he is the one I want to go through this with, but is it worth the effort? If he is having trouble making time for me already, will it ever get any better? OR do I just forget it and find someone else. Even though we haven't been together I feel such a bond with him...
Any advice would be great! Since this is my first AP, I dont want to come off clingy or anything taboo, but he seems very frustrated by the situation and the fact that he cant get away...

I think his wife is picking up subtle clues that something is off, so she's acting on it. Obviously she is extremely perceptive, and this aspect of her won't change. If you do go ahead and have a physical affair, I have a feeling she's going to KNOW something is terribly off and she won't ever be "off guard". Therefore she's likely to get very controlling of the situation and wanting to know where he is every second. I don't say "controlling" in a bad way - if I had strong feelings that something was horribly "off", I would no doubt do the same thing to try and get back what I would think of as "normalcy".
If you think you can deal with an affair with someone who has such a perceptive spouse, just know that it will cause complications that you hadn't quite foreseen - not the least of which is the fact that a very perceptive spouse will suffer a lot more than an oblivious one during an affair.
It's up to you whether to proceed or not.
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
my honest opinion, having been where I've been, get out of your marriage first, then start all this. I never dreamed I'd have knowledge enough to give such advice. My A has hurt me very, very deeply. It's hurt my OM. It's hurt my H. I wish I'd have just gotten out of my marriage first. I didn't go looking for an A, I fell blindly into mine, while the whole world was certain it was an A, I hadn't a clue, and neither did he. Now, here we are, hurting, not worth it.
But, if you are gonna pursue an A, skip this guy. His W has her radar on and you won't be ably to fly under it.
Edited 5/26/2009 10:33 pm ET by momtb4