Pursued--but now what?
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 03-01-2013 - 3:50pm|
Hi. New to this board in this decade-10 years ago I was on here all the time. I'm wordy so I'll try to condense as to not make it a novel. I married for the 2nd time in 2003 as soon as my D was final, but it was not a perfect union and things became rocky quickly. I had two different EA with my xAP during a 6 yr period because I was not happy. H found out about both times which of course caused escalated arguments, verbally abusive episodes and I begged him to just let me go. He wouldn't..he knew I wasn't physically attracted to him and felt I had made a mistake in marrying him, but he didn't care because he was VERY co-dependent. Anyway, I finally agreed to really try on the marriage, put MY feelings aside and to make things work I went total NC and eventually got over xAP. Things were fine for about 1-2 years--we each got into our own activities and I had lots of freedom AND lots of time alone. We were co-existing in our house just fine and all our friends felt we were the perfect couple.
Last spring, TOTALLY out of the blue, one of my male co-workers started talking to me on IM. I had done some work with him on several projects but I never gave him much thought. At first he was just flirting, so I flirted back (I'm a big flirt) but made it perfectly clear I was happily married. Not really sure how that got misconstrued, but the guy --who by the way had been married for 26 years and swore he never had an A--started ACTIVELY pursuing me. I flat out told hiim I wasn't interested, YELLED at him in chat, told him to his face, but he kept insisting I was interested in him. I left my first M of 19 yrs after my A was discovered by the AP's W (that marriage was abusive and I had been unhappy for a long time as well). I was not about to put myself in the same situation and told him so! I told him if he wasn't happy, he needed to end his M and THEN look for someone to be with, not come after me. Well, I'm not sure if it was just sheer weakness, my underlying unhappiness with my M, my lack of chemistry and attraction to my H or what, but I would play the game of flirting, sending sexy photos of myself and then telling him I would never fool around because I was married. I would yo-yo almost on an hourly basis. I honestly don't even know why he kept trying...other than he was very interested in me. I soon started seeing him in a different light and realized he was SO different than the persona he portrayed in a work atmosphere. He was much more intelligent, passionate and had a genuine deep caring side to him. I also found out we had a lot more in common than I thought. I was definitely intrigued and found myself starting to fall for him. Each time I would have doubts or start feeling guilty, he would try to ease my fears and assured me things would work out and we'd be together.
We started meeting outside of work but didn't have sex. I didn't want to totally cheat on my H, although what we were doing was still cheating. His W found out rather quickly that something was going on from looking at phone records, then called my H. It was a GIANT mess of course!! The fact we worked together KILLED both our spouses. His plan that we would leave our spouses to be with each other evaporated when he realized HE couldn't walk out on his kids. That made me half-heartedly try to reconcile with my H...and I was trying my hardest NOT to talk to AP because I was so hurt and felt so deceived and so STUPID because I fell for the same thing I had done ten years before! We might have gone 1 week with NC, but then he emailed me and we found ourselves back to talking on a daily basis. We did NOT meet outside of work though. At home, my H and I fought constantly until I finally moved out for a short time just to get away from him. I tried moving back for 3 weeks, but he found out I was still talking to my AP and that just made things unbearable. I left for good in October and we filed for divorce. I do NOT regret that decision other than I caused him undue pain.
MM and I are in a full out A now... sex with each other is mind blowing! Neither of us has EVER had experiences like this before. We do wonder if it's just the fact that it IS an A that its so good (?) There is so much chemistry between us...I didn't have an 1/8th of that attraction with my H. I left my M because I couldn't continue the lies. He refuses to leave his until his youngest graduates in 2 more years. He says he can't do it to his kids. He claims he loves me more than his W and sees me as often as he can. He has been caught two or THREE different times with various small things that involve me. He even left one night after a huge blow out over me and we stayed in a hotel together. I thought that his M was over. HE thought that was too, but he returned home the next night and his W never brought it up again!! His W does NOT know it's a complete A...he tells me he has told her we are just friends and co-workers.
Why I'm writing this is because I've heard several times, "I came after you...I pursued you because I wanted you and wanted you to fall in love with me. Now you have and the timing is just WRONG!" He has told me again and again that if his kid was out of school already, he would not hesitate to leave. I get a bit angry when he says this because I was minding my own business AND felt I WAS happily married until he started messing with me. Yes, it takes two and all that, but he totally had a goal in mind, which he has now achieved at my expense. He IS very goal oriented and when he sees something he wants (or apparently someone -- as in me), he goes after it until he gets it.
I love him though..and don't want to let him go. I know I deserve better and HE knows I deserve better, but we're so intertwined..not to mention co-workers, neither of us can pull the plug. My one very good friend tells me I need to dump him...especially now that I'm single and almost divorced. She wants me to find someone I'm compatible with and get into a healthy relationship. Two other good friends accept the situation for what it is and say if I'm happy, to go for it. I am happy when he's with me...but when he's with his family or the weekend comes and I get no communcation...I'm not so happy! I used to have a very social life with my H. Now I rarely go out for fear of "putting myself out there" and potentially meeting someone I could be interested in.
Is anyone else in this same situation? I end up having some very bad days every 3 weeks or so cause I get jealous of his attention and I need to stop doing that! He will tell me things aren't good at home, but I see signs that they aren't all that bad... They are still in the same bedroom and still having sex as far as I know, although I'm sure not as much as they had before. I don't ask because I don't want to know... He says he hates that he has become a liar, but he loves me too much to let me go. There is no way I can go TWO MORE YEARS on this merry-go-round. He has even stated he wished his W would find out so he would be forced to make a decision OR he has said that maybe I should dump him and see if it forces his hand. I'm not sure I want to take that risk! It makes him seem like a big fat coward if you ask me!!
Opinions or thoughts appreciated and thanks for reading... hope I made sense.