Q for the men (and of course others)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for the men (and of course others)...
33
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:43pm
Again, only about an hour together but MM and I laughed and I was so relaxed. We really had a good time. It was like laughing and spending time with a dear friend. Our ending was typical- he walked me to my car, we talked for awhile, etc. I could see him lick his bottom lip a few times so did the same. He lifted me up and carried me to the drivers side. Not sure why he did this, but it was touching/contact regardless. We talked some more, hemmed and hawed a bit, hugged and then kissed. Again, not the passionate type but our usual closed mouth one. I did take his bottom lip in ever so slightly when we did kiss. I did not go for anything more. I don't want to lose the little I have with him.



So, now- a few hrs later I sit and feel all these emotions... I think the light bulb came on as I drove home that the "email MM" which is very sexual and "real MM" are so different. The 'real' is funny and is the one I could fall for. The email one is the guy that makes me 'excited' in a physical sense. ( which is ok too.). But if the truth be known- I don't think we will ever consummate our relationship. And as much as I want him in this way, I don't want to have a fling, end it and our friendship. Then I am left with nothing. So, here's my question to you... I want to semd him an email sometime this weekend to say thanks for today ( even though drinks were on me). I want to tell him that all kidding aside- he is wonderful and I hope he realizes it. Or, someone not too far away thinks he's wonderful. I also want to thank him for softening my rough- edged heart. He is so sweet and I have told him that before as well.



So, can I tell him these things w/o him freaking out and thinking I am in love with him? I'm a grown woman and believe that it's time to act like one. I don't want to tell him too many of my thoughts but want to let him know that he means something special to me. Again, I just want to bare a little of my heart/soul to him but not make myself vulnerable to hurt. I just want to let him know he is special and appreciated. Is that so bad?



Life is too short to not let the people you care about know these things, right? My gosh- it is apparent that I may be feeling something for him, isn't it? Will he sense that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:43am
Sure he'll sense that. He probably senses it now, I know I would. Would you scare him? I can only say for myself, but I think it's great when MW tells me such things. Early on she was sometimes kinda silent about how she was feeling, but I only needed to look into her eyes and they said it all. I have seen some of your other posts on your dilemma, and it sure is not ideal, but let me offer this. The fact that this guy still goes out with you and e-mails you sez something. If he wasn’t interested in you, he wouldn’t do it. I know I wouldn’t. Try not to read too much into what’s going on, chances are it isn’t that anyway. Of course in the down time you’ll agonize over a 100,000 different scenarios, but hey we all do that. I just try to brush that off because life has taught me that’s never what’s going on any how. Speaking of life, you’re right, it is short. I always tell myself why let it pass you by? I think you can get your point across without being overly aggressive. The main thing is just be yourself and be positive. How could he not want to spend time with you if that’s the case? Just be careful. There are many things missing in my marriage besides good sex. MW came along and filled those voids. As such "friends with benefits" did not last very long. You may very easily find yourself in the same situation. You sound like you’re heading down that path already. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 6:37pm
Well, I can't predict what his reaction will be, but I can tell you that I sure would like to receive an email like that! I hope that he has the good sense to be touched too.

This is probably not the right place or thread to include this information, but your thoughts and feeling brought it to mind. A guy at work (and I'm a guy too) that I've known for a while "hit" on me. I had no idea he was gay (never even thought to install Gaydar in my brain) and although I was kind of scared (which deserves it's own discussion. How DO you women handle this stuff when it comes out of the blue???) I was touched that someone (even another guy) thought of me in a sexual/romantic way. It's been a long time since someone has overtly persued me. Now if I could just find a sexy women to overtly persue me! Anyway, I hope your guy appreciates you and you emotions!

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:08pm
I am anxiously awaiting to hear more posts from guys for you. I have often wanted to send a similar type email, but am afraid it will drive him away. Please keep us posted when you decide on something!

R

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:49pm
I am having a very hard time understanding why something as innocent and sweet as an email telling a man how much he means to you would drive him away. It most certainly is very flattering and appealing when a woman you care for finds you so special.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 6:11pm
I myself was always very honest about my feelings and emotions for xMM - never even crossed my mind that I would drive him away. Your definitely right about life being too short. I always feel that if you find someone special that brings joy to your life, then you should tell them - whether they feel the same way or not.

Anyway, my point is, my bluntness did not drive him away (only his own guilt) - and he would often say that he was lucky to have a woman like me in his life - and very often would call me "loving person of mine".

Sometimes my words and actions would "blow him away" but in a good way. I made him feel good about himself, which is the point of loving someone. And it made me feel good to know that. If we don't feel good, what's the point!

Be honest, it's worth it!!

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:58am
Hi Bis:

I assume your a man with your responce. I also want to e-mail my

MM and let him know I love him. I am petrified to do that.

We are both married (long story).

I thought that guys never want to hear the L word? I have read

so much about that area. My MM knows I am crazy about him,

but we have nut used the L word with each other.

can you give me your input? I would really love to

tell him how I really feel,

Thanks Afraid,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:16pm
Hey Red, and Everyone Else...

Just wanted to jump in here because I did exactly what you are all talking about on Friday afternoon. I waited all week for the "talk" which on Thursday afternoon found out would probably not be coming. MM told me that it had nothing to do with me at all, just some stuff he wanted to get off his chest. It didn't concern his "immediate house" so I am sure it was all crap about his in-laws, he hates them and they hate him. He said he just needed me to be the "punching bag".....wellllllllll.....this just didn't fly with me very well at all. Of course at this point there had been no talk about the "weekend" and us being together either.

So....this led to THE EMAIL. I just informed MM that I appreciate everything he had done for me. That he knew I wasn't going to wait indefinately to discuss stuff, we are laying low......and that I hoped all this "pressure and stress" he has been dealing with had nothing to do with me. I also told him that my feelings were allowing me to be somewhat manipulated and that didn't quite sit with me very well. I don't blame him, I was willing to do it, but no longer. This cannot just be on auto pilot forever. I told him in time I hoped my head and heart would clear and that we could resume some sort of close friendship.....that has always been the best part of us. I also told him I remember him saying in the beginning that he wasn't going to let himself have certain feelings and I had respected that......but it didn't mean that I felt the same way. I told him I've enjoyed every minute of what we had and that I will always be here if he needs to talk to me.....but I will avoid this topic (as he has been) from this time on. Days like last Monday just stir up feelings in me so easily and I can't just keep smothering them because he doesn't know what he wants.......the best way to not think about them is to not put myself in that position.........

Ok, I tell him all of this in a nice manner. Then I IM him and tell him to check his email, be sure and read and delete..............for like 10 minutes I get no response. So I IM back and ask for some sort of acknowledgement he received this email.....he responds.....i got it, i got it, I GOT IT!!!!


Ok, did I inspire anger or what????????? I wanted him to just know how I felt and hoped he would like hearing it and feel like he would respect MY FEELINGS>....

IF i'm not mistake this is not what happened.......


Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:27pm
That is why I do not e mail my emotions or love..I am afraid of

a responce like you got. I hate when I want to say something

not that serious and I get a reply back in caps....make me

very nervous.

Maybe because at work they are working, and have too much on their minds,

maybe it is not even our fault, but theirs.

They say men for some reason, are under so much stress at work,

and that is the worse time to e-mail them your feelings.

I read this once in a Cosmo article. Maybe they are correct.

I hardly ever e-mail other than have a good day, or I still

desire you. That is about it. I do get good replys, like

I do you also, etc.

Keep the emails short and sweet. Men do not like long, long

e-mails. They cannot comprehend all of what we have

to say at once. They need short, short emails.

At least that is what I have found out.

Good luck to you, I know he will miss your emails, and I bet

you receive another one this week.

Hoped I have helped you a little.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:04am
Bunny,

Ahh...the L word. I'm very unusual in that regard. And yes, I'm a guy. Hetro too. I love to be in love. The difference with me (I hope no one thinks I'm taking a shot at them with the comment, 'cause I'm not) is that I don't always feel the need to express it. It's almost like a guilty pleasure when it happens. Anything from an little crush to full force, in your face, giant L, is mine to experience. I enjoy it, roll around in it, play with it, has it as mine all day every day. That doesn' mean I never say anything to anybody. It's just that I choose when to share my secret.

The L stuff is very strange. No to get to "guy" on you, but in physics and philosophy we describe the "unobserved event". It becomes very different after being observed. Same with Love. It changes when observed. Sometime for the better and sometimes not.

Now most men would rather not deal with any emotions at all much less something as powerful as love. And that's usually the first part of the problem. The second part is that men communicate/interact via the one-up or one-down method. It's very difficult for a guy maintan and even position with anyone. And that's what Love requires. What men in conversation. They constantly shift between the one-up position and one-down postion. Women communicate via sharing (Thank you Captain Obvious! Gee Bis, do you think that's why this board is here!!) Anyway, a woman shares to connect. It's a great gift when a woman shares her stories and feelings. Most men can't appreciate that because they are trying to figure out if we should take the one-up or one-down.

As you can see, all things considered, I'm no different. Although I don't worry much about being one-up or one-down (I'm very aware of the process and it help a lot in business situations) I also don't share a lot when it come to Love in what I'll call uncomfortable situation.

Hope this helps!

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 7:46am
Thaks Biz:

After reading your note I am in tears. Why can't women be

more like men when it comes to love. To share this emotion

with the man you love, should be the ultimate high..but

instead most of the time, we women end up with broken hearts,just

wanting to make someone happy.

I will not let him know how I feel. I guess I will wait and

see what happens. Do men ever feel they want to tell a women

they love them, but don't? You stated it is a great gift

from a women who wants to share her feelings, but men cannot

maintain a position with anyone, how would you adivse me

to handle my situation? Should I just make light of every

thing he says to me, ex. miss you baby, how is everything

with you, and i miss you statements?

I don't think men would say these things without some kind of

feelings, do you?

I appreciate all your input, maybe I am too sensative, it is

not like he wants to stop seeing me, or speaking to me.

I just want to go nice and easy..no pressure and no heartaches.

Thanks again, and anything else you would want to say I would

appreciate it. It does help me.

Bunny

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