Q for the men (and of course others)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for the men (and of course others)...
33
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:43pm
Again, only about an hour together but MM and I laughed and I was so relaxed. We really had a good time. It was like laughing and spending time with a dear friend. Our ending was typical- he walked me to my car, we talked for awhile, etc. I could see him lick his bottom lip a few times so did the same. He lifted me up and carried me to the drivers side. Not sure why he did this, but it was touching/contact regardless. We talked some more, hemmed and hawed a bit, hugged and then kissed. Again, not the passionate type but our usual closed mouth one. I did take his bottom lip in ever so slightly when we did kiss. I did not go for anything more. I don't want to lose the little I have with him.



So, now- a few hrs later I sit and feel all these emotions... I think the light bulb came on as I drove home that the "email MM" which is very sexual and "real MM" are so different. The 'real' is funny and is the one I could fall for. The email one is the guy that makes me 'excited' in a physical sense. ( which is ok too.). But if the truth be known- I don't think we will ever consummate our relationship. And as much as I want him in this way, I don't want to have a fling, end it and our friendship. Then I am left with nothing. So, here's my question to you... I want to semd him an email sometime this weekend to say thanks for today ( even though drinks were on me). I want to tell him that all kidding aside- he is wonderful and I hope he realizes it. Or, someone not too far away thinks he's wonderful. I also want to thank him for softening my rough- edged heart. He is so sweet and I have told him that before as well.



So, can I tell him these things w/o him freaking out and thinking I am in love with him? I'm a grown woman and believe that it's time to act like one. I don't want to tell him too many of my thoughts but want to let him know that he means something special to me. Again, I just want to bare a little of my heart/soul to him but not make myself vulnerable to hurt. I just want to let him know he is special and appreciated. Is that so bad?



Life is too short to not let the people you care about know these things, right? My gosh- it is apparent that I may be feeling something for him, isn't it? Will he sense that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:52am
Bunny, take it easy. It's not so tragic as you think it is. We are quite capable of expressing our feelings - not so much with words but most certainly with our actions. What we are really bad at - at least the vast majority of us - is reading minds and getting hints. We tend to take what is being said to us at its face value. Keep this in mind. I've been following your posts and let me tell you - you are putting too much pressure on yourself trying to figure out "how not to" show him your feelings as opposed to "how to." And, as the end result of that, making it look like he is not all that important to you. Why do that instead of just letting things flow naturally and being yourself? There is nothing more appealing to a man than a sincere, genuine, sweet woman that isn't trying to play with his mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:32am
Thanks Boston:

I guess I do worry too much, of what I will say. I just

don't want to get carried away with all the emotional

stuff.

I do tell him I care, miss him etc. If you don't mind me

asking, what do you believe is the correct way on

" how to " . I do agree with the action mode. His actions

are genuine, I do feel he does have feelings for me. I guess

if he did not care, I would know by now.

I will certainly continue to be my sweet self, it has

worked for me so far. Thanks for all you advise, and

I appreciate it. Any other advise would be great.


Thanks Again

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:22am
Bunny!!! it sounds like you are getting really good advice from Boston...and the other guy, Biscuit? I am new here...I just wanted to add, my OMM is like this too. He communicates by actions alone, no words. Last week he was away on holiday and came back and wrote "missed ya" in an email to me, and that is the most "serious" thing he's said to me in eight months!!

I've found it very hard to figure him out, because my H is the opposite. He has always been the type to say "I love you" five times a day, he's very demonstrative.So it took me a really long time to understand and deal with OMM's way of communicating. I was very nervous about telling him my feelings for him. But I did it anyway, because I decided that nobody ever died of being loved by a woman. It's a nice feeling, to be loved. So, I got up the nerve and told him so (in email). I was careful to also say, I am never going to interfere with your marriage or your life (we are both happily married), and I'm not asking you to love me back. I just wanted to tell you this.

He said nothing for about two weeks about it. Then one day out of the blue, he said

"me and XX (his friend) were talking about you (me), and we agreed that you are a REALLY special person. completely different from other women. You know how to make a man feel really good." I couldn't believe this came out of OMM's mouth. I still can't figure out why it was easier for him to say this in the context of "me and my friend were talking about you" instead of directly. But who cares? Men are weird. But they need love just as much as women do. So Bunny, I think it's ok to say it, sparingly. And by email is good, because then he's not obliged to say anything back. Just don't say it too much, and don't expect what you would consider to be a reasonable reply. The reply might be, "so, how about those Flyers? Are they going to win the cup?" It doesn't matter. He read it, he knows it, he gives a damn. In my opinion, anyway. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:56am
Hi Barefootgirl:

Thanks soooooooo much for your reply. My H tells me 4-5 times

a day he loves me to, I guess that is why I am having such

a hard time with my MM. I love him so much, and one time

I had told him I was " Crazy About Him" face to face, he

said "I Know", and smiled. So Bis and Boston what would your opinion

on this be?

That is why I am so leary on the L word, afraid, guess.

He has also said the same about making him feel really good, not

just the little petting we have done, but in caring e-mails,have

a good day, your a wonderful women, etc. I did once tell him

he turns me on like no other (only had 2 men in my life and

I am 45) and he told me the same that no one has turned him

on so much either. Neither one of us have been unfaithfull..

maybe that is why we need to both go at a snails pace, to be

sure. I don't know, maybe the guys can answer that one.

Anyway, I appreciate any advise, still not sure on telling him

how I really feel, I am seriously thinking on the advise of

the guys at this point. Maybe I am afraid of rejection.

Anyway keep supporting me all, and I will you.

Thanks,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:23pm
I know i'm late on the bandwagon with this one, but here goes. I sent an e-mail to SM and got absolutely no response whatsoever. No acknowledgement he received it, nothing. I even asked him and he ignored the question. In all fairness, he had no idea it was coming so I probably just floored him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:32pm
I know that is what I am afraid of. Have you heard from your

man since you told him? If you did, what did he say?

Maybe our guys can respond to what happened to you, being

Boston and Bis, they do have the real insight, since they

are men.

Boston and Bis told me to relax, and let is run naturally

and to be myself, that I respect from them both.

I do not want to run someone out of my life that I really

care about and love. Be myself, confident and sweet

thats what the guys suggest.

Please let me know what going on now with you, I am

very concerned.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 5:52pm
Hi Bunny,

Well, I don't know if I give good advice or not, but I thank you for the compliment. I absolutely agree with Boston. Jusgt relax and let it flow. Enjoy the experience and be careful not to over think it. Established Professional Ball players often tell the rookies to "just remember to do the things that got you here". What that means is to continue to do the things that he's attracted to. Hopefully you don't even know what those things are! You wern't thinking about impressing him early on, it just happened. So, just continue to be yourself. But, most of all...enjoy the experience as much as you can. ;)

Bis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 7:38am
Thanks Bis:

You both have made me feel so much better. Do you believe that

because we are both married, for many years, we are both

trying to struggle with these new found emotions ?

When I told my MM that I was Crazy for Him, he just smiled and

said he knows. Do you think that maybe he meant the same?

Maybe because he has never said anything back, I feel that

confidence slipping away. But you and Boston have helped me

get some of it back. I am trying to deal with new relation

ship as best as I know how. The physical side is really taking

a toll on me. We have not done much physical together, but the

passion burns so deep. We have both spoken about this, and

either one of us has expierenced this much passion before.

Both of our sex lives are numb with our spouces. Neither

one of us has strayed before, maybe because we are older

I don't really know. I just know my life has been turned

upside down with this man, and I am so consumed with him.

If he would ask me some day to be with him forever, I know

I would.

Please keep in touch with me, you both are helping me more

than you realize. I do apprciate all the advise both of

you are giving me.

By the way, how are you doing?

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 8:55am
So what do you all make of this letter I gave to my mm yesterday??? Left work shortly after giving it to him so today will be interesting. Maybe this will help you a little bunny...

First, make sure you shred this after reading! Second, I have never written a letter like this but I never get a chance to let you know how I feel and I need to do that so here goes… I want you to be happy and not be stressed about your feelings for me. I know it’s a struggle for you and I never want you to have to choose between me and your family. Our families will always come first so you should never feel guilty about that. I know sometimes I do get mad but I do eventually get over it! I also understand and accept the fact that you will never be able too completely open up with me. I know you have a good marriage and mine really isn’t so bad except that I am not in love with him the way I should be but I can’t get up the nerve to hurt him by leaving. I know that you will never hurt your family as well but I don’t want to give you up either. I know you don’t like to hear me say it but I do love you…plain and simple. Sometimes I wish I could make these feelings go away and I have tried but I can’t. I never thought I could feel this way about someone but I do and it scares me. I have to accept this for what it is for now…2 people who want to be together but for obvious reasons we can’t. I have an incredible connection with you that I don’t have with anyone else and sometimes it is so intense and confusing that I don’t know what to do. With you I can be myself…I can be “me”. I think you are handsome, sexy, smart funny, and a lot more. I believe things happen for a reason but I can’t figure out why this is happening to us. Maybe some day we will.

I really love the time we spend together but if you want to do the “right” thing and just walk away then I will have to accept it. I just wish you could find a way to deal with your feelings and make it so I can be a part of your life without complicating it. Friday was incredible! I wish we weren’t so drunk. Making love with you was wonderful but you don’t even remember ! I hope that we will be able to do that again but you will have to decide. OK I will stop now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:08am
Hi Bunny,

Just another 2 cents from me on this one. I think what we also have to remember is that they (the OM) are contending with the fact that we are in difficult situations, to say the least. They may (and this is just my take on it) not feel they have the right to tell us they love us. After all, we are in A's. They belong (not as a possession) to someone else. In declaring their love for another W, may seem like the ultimate taboo.

I agree that we have to take their actions rather than words to heart, and sometimes read between the lines. For instance, my xMM once told me "Do you realize how lucky I am to have you love me?" It made me realize, that even though he could not/would not say it, that he too loved me, and appreciated my love.

I once read a magazine article on "How do you know if he loves you" - and a couple of things jumped off the page - he plays with your hair, he rubs your cheek, his eyes say it all (they really do), he smiles as soon as he sees you, he holds your hand, etc...

So, I guess my point is, enjoy all the little things and don't worry so much about hearing "I love you". Our H's have the right to tell us this 5 times a day, we are married to them. Our MM have to show us in other ways.

Take care

Red