Q for the men (and of course others)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for the men (and of course others)...
33
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:43pm
Again, only about an hour together but MM and I laughed and I was so relaxed. We really had a good time. It was like laughing and spending time with a dear friend. Our ending was typical- he walked me to my car, we talked for awhile, etc. I could see him lick his bottom lip a few times so did the same. He lifted me up and carried me to the drivers side. Not sure why he did this, but it was touching/contact regardless. We talked some more, hemmed and hawed a bit, hugged and then kissed. Again, not the passionate type but our usual closed mouth one. I did take his bottom lip in ever so slightly when we did kiss. I did not go for anything more. I don't want to lose the little I have with him.



So, now- a few hrs later I sit and feel all these emotions... I think the light bulb came on as I drove home that the "email MM" which is very sexual and "real MM" are so different. The 'real' is funny and is the one I could fall for. The email one is the guy that makes me 'excited' in a physical sense. ( which is ok too.). But if the truth be known- I don't think we will ever consummate our relationship. And as much as I want him in this way, I don't want to have a fling, end it and our friendship. Then I am left with nothing. So, here's my question to you... I want to semd him an email sometime this weekend to say thanks for today ( even though drinks were on me). I want to tell him that all kidding aside- he is wonderful and I hope he realizes it. Or, someone not too far away thinks he's wonderful. I also want to thank him for softening my rough- edged heart. He is so sweet and I have told him that before as well.



So, can I tell him these things w/o him freaking out and thinking I am in love with him? I'm a grown woman and believe that it's time to act like one. I don't want to tell him too many of my thoughts but want to let him know that he means something special to me. Again, I just want to bare a little of my heart/soul to him but not make myself vulnerable to hurt. I just want to let him know he is special and appreciated. Is that so bad?



Life is too short to not let the people you care about know these things, right? My gosh- it is apparent that I may be feeling something for him, isn't it? Will he sense that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:14am
Wow!! I wish I could let my MM know my feelings, but I am taking the

advise of Bis and Boston. Just to be myself.

You have said it all girl, but I especially noticed that you

still love you H,at least a little, because you both do not

want to hurt your families. It is very hard to break up

families and both of you seem to NOT want to do that.

For that I do admire both of you. Seems a little ashame that

you had to be drunk to make love, though. You have stated

he does not even remember, what good does that do to both of

you?

If ever I do make love with my MM, we both will be stone cold

sober. I want to remember every feeling, touch, kiss and

all of it. I would give anything to make love to him just once.


Also, question, why can't he be open with you? You seem to be

a very open person, accepting the decision that you may

or may not be able to be together again.

Please let me know the reply you get from your MM after

reading your message. One more question: Has he ever told

you how he feels about you?


Thanks so much and keep in touch,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:27am
Thanks Red:

Yes you have said it all. The eyes do say it all when I am

with him, also his wonderful smile, and his touch.

Nothing else really has to be said. I just have to

enjoy those moments and relax, as Bis and Boston have told me.

You had said your xMM said to you that he was lucky to

have you in love with him, did he ever tell you the

same? Just curious. What was his reply when you did

first tell him?

I do feel your correct in the matter where they do not

want to tell us the L word, they have no right to?

Why do most of the women then say it to their MM? After

reading several of these posts, seems like most of the

women feel the need to tell them, and most of the time

it is NOT a good reply.

I will continue to follow, as I have said before, Bis and

Boston's advise, being confident, relaxed and myself.

I am going to take this slow, because if my MM would ask me

some day to be his, I will be 100%.

Also were kids involved with you and your xMM? Neither

one of us have children, I believe that also makes a

big difference to a relationship.

Keep in touch and thank you again..

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:45am
Hi again Bunny,

My xMM told me twice that he loved me (we were "together" for just over 6 months). The first time, I think was just a knee-jerk reaction to me saying it. The second time, I truly believe he meant it, he said it just felt natural to say it. I had always told him that I never wanted him to say anything he didn't mean. He was always very cautious, I believe in part, because he didn't want me to end up hurt - which I did anyway!

Oh, and to answer your question about what he said when I first told him, and subsequently anytime I told him that after was "Mmmmmmmmmm!"

I am a very emotional person. I cannot keep things inside. He knows this about me. Although some of my thoughts and feelings may have "blown him away", he was always very considerate in replying with something sweet, not as in-depth maybe, but always sweet. Another thing, I told him that if I ever made him feel uncomfortable to tell me, he never once indicated that I did.

He loved that I was able to communicate my feelings, and often said he wished he could do the same, but that he didn't know how to. And, sometimes I would render him speechless, but he would communicate this to me as well, such as "I loved that, I just don't know what to say right now!".

Yes, we both have children (me 2 DD's and him 1 DS) - his main reason for ending things. And your right, the children do make a big difference.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:09am
Hi Red Again:

I am with you also on the emotional side, that is where Bis and

Boston are helping me. I am a Pisces and very very

emotional, always have been. My MM is a strong headed Leo,

maybe that is some of the reasons that I need to hear

nice things.

But, as I have stated before I am lucky to have Bis and Boston

control me in that area. I do cry often at night wanting

him so bad, so I am trying to control that emotion also.

My MM does communicate saying similiar things as yours did

I loved kissing you, love touching you etc. That does

mean alot to me.

I appreciate your time and helping me. This also is the

6month period for me, and I am going to do my best

to be in control, and enjoy it. I am sorry yours ended

but you seem to be in control of yourself, and I do

admire that. I do not know if I would be in control or not.

Yes, children do make a difference, and that is why

I am going to do my best to relax and be myself. Who knows

what the future has in store.

Let me know how you are doing now, are you with someone now?

Thanks again,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:20am
Oh, I am definitely not in control. This board helps me tremendously. The anti-depressants seem to be helping as well.

Really, I'm a mess - so if I offer any advice, just remember that - I do want to help others, but can't figure myself out... LOL

I am with my H. I will always love xMM - and I truly hope I never find myself in this predictament ever again.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:23am
Hu Bunny,

I agree to just be yourself..that is what I do. He says he doesn't want me to love him because he doesn't want to hurt me. We have worked together 9 years and there was instant attraction but we never acted on because we knew it was wrong. I have 1 child he has 3. He is very well known in our city plus the fact we work together. About 6 years ago we kissed for the first time. We would go to office happy hours and kiss after but nothing else. We would flirt and talk at work but that was it. We fought hard to not let our feelings be known. 2 years ago things started to get pretty intense we started to do happy hours alone and then lunch, and we started to have oral sex no IC. He was the one who used the L word first. He said to me "you know I love you don't you?" He also told me he has loved me for 6 years. We just made love for the first time last Friday but we were both very drunk but it still was wonderful. Ours is a very long and complicated story as you can see by the lettter I wrote him. He just came in about 1/2 hour ago and our eyes met but that was it. We have to be very careful at work but a few already suspect something is going on because we are always in each others office and they notice when we go to lunch. For your question, he has been very open with me on his feelings. He is torn between me and his w. He tells me he thinks about me when doing things with his w and feels guilty that he should be with me and when with me he feels guilty that he should be with her. Another thing he always says he feels guilty about not feeling guilty when we are intimate. I wish I could talk to him it is driving me crazy not knowing what he thinks about the letter. I will let you know. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:31am
I truly feel for you.....I would be on anti-depressents also

if it happened to me. How long have you been married to

your H, and does he know everything?

These boards are very helpful, what I appreciate about this

is that we are all going thru the same emotional,

ups and downs and cal all relate to how we feel.

People that have never had an A do not realize that the

stress is very great...M seems like a piece of cake.compared

to a A.

I have taken up a few hobbies, especially on the weekends to

help my emotions, I love birds, so I joined the Audobon

Soc for eagle nests this summer...tracking them and such.

Also I love the Beach, I live in Orlando, and signed up for

the Turttle Rescue and Watch along the east coast of Fla.

That will keep me busy starting in a few weeks.

I find that I need alot of people around me on the weekend,

friends etc, it helps me get thru the weekend emotional

stages.

During the week, such as now, I work, but am free on the

computer, since I do most of my work on it.

Maybe if you have interests or hobby's that will help also,

along with these boards. I wish you luck and please

feel free to write me often, maybe we can help each other.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:43am
Bunny, I have heard from SM since the e-mail spilling my guts but we've never discussed it. At first I told him to delete it without reading it. I asked him in an e-mail if he read it and he ignored me. I do know he read it and did not delete it. Don't know what that means. Things are basically the same as they were. I will say I feel like he has been pulling away since then, but I could just be paranoid. We no longer work together and see each other on a daily basis (he lives and works in another state now) so that could be the reason. I am not sorry I sent the e-mail - I needed to say things and explain some of my out of character actions and writing is much easier for me than talking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:55am
Hey 777 & Red,

I am blewsky in chat. So 777 you work with mm too! I gave mm a letter yesterday I posted it in this thread somewhere. He just came into my office and I went on a coughing jag and had to go get some water ..go figure so we didn't get to talk yet. Now he is on the phone w/clients. I am leaving an vacation so my last day at work will be tomorrow. The office is going to happy hour tonight but I don't know if he is coming or not...I hate this......

I will try to make it to chat later...could use some cheering ups

sparkles2003/blewsky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:04am
Don't men know yet that you cannot want someone to NOT love you?

It is nothing we have planned, or schemed..it is part of

being a women, and how we are made up. When we feel so

deeply about someone, we get excited and want to let that person

know how we feel, it is what we are. Men, however, are

not as emotional and free feeling like we are, as Boston

and Bis have told me.

Men, live for the moment and when they are in love, do not

usually express it openly. With kind words and actions

men show us how they feel. Therefore: the communication

problem, we are both so different, men just express themselves

differently, thats all. As Bis and Boston told me

men do feel love, not necessarilie do they want to share it openly.

They want to enjoy it, keeping it to themselves. We women need

to realize that.

I cannot believe that you have been with him for 9 years.

Usually the A average from articles I have read are 2-4 years.

You are a unique person, and working together must be extremely

hard. My MM is across the street from where I work.

I do not see him every day, or every week for that matter.

But we do keep in touch daily.

Do you mind me asking your age diff? Mine and my MM is

5years.....him being the younger.

Please keep in touch with the letter info, I am

dying to find out his reply to you.

Hang in there..you must be very special to be in his life for so

long, no wonder you wrote that letter, I would have also.

Bunny