Q for Rain re: obsession

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for Rain re: obsession
34
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:01am
Hi O-

In the 'obsessed' post you made this statement.... can you you explain/expand. I truly enjoy opinions. It is great to get a male's perspecive!

You say "They are interested primarily in the "chase" and lose interest when they feel they have "won". It is particularly true of men who either don't have feelings for a person or who are scared of the feelings they do have, though."

Out of curiosty, which group would you consider to be the majority in A's? The "non-caring" or the "scared of feelings".

Thanks much! :-)

V.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:30am
Hi V.

I looked over the obsessed thread because I didn't really remember posting this comment. I remember it being said, but I thought I read it, I don't remember writing it. Still, I'm sometimes not entirely inhabiting my body, so anything is possible.

A majority of A's and the dwellers within? I'm sure there's a more scientific source than myself on this for why people get into As. But personally, I don't know that I'd categorize men in general who enter A's as being either "non-caring" or "scared of feelings."

I don't think *I* fall into either group. I'm not sure it's fair to say a *majority* of men falls into either group.

If you wanted to ask which of the two groups have more representatives in the "lose interest after they 'win'" then I'd say it's the non-caring group. You don't lose interest in someone after you get them if you are scared of your feelings; you may panic and pull back, but I don't think you generally just lose interest just because the "chase" portion is over.

I don't think that mate and move on mentality has much to do with A's. That's just someone who needs some sort of conquest to feel good about themselves.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:06pm
Rain- Sorry I was wrong... it was a comment from Omahamm. I am losin' today.

Sorry- thanks for your comments- they make me think, think, think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:06pm
Actually I believe this was a quote from me. It was in response to someone else's thread but I don't recall if it was rain's.

My point was that too often men withdraw emotionally and those two reasons kind of encompassed two problems that I see in men I know and in the stories I read here. I'm not saying this is the case in all men. I know that I am not the type to withdraw. If anything, in a stressful situation, I put myself out there more.

But to answer your question, I would say that most often men tend to hide or minimize their feelings because they're scared. You would never know it to talk to some of them, but men are not all that different from women in a lot of ways. The main difference in in socialized behavior. Women are taught to show their emotions and talk about their feelings. Men are led to believe it is a weakness to show your feelings.

There are some men who actually don't care and can hurt others with little remorse. But I believe (and I hope) that these robots are a very small minority.

Hope that was helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:16pm
Bunny Here:

Thanks for commenting on vles64 question. It did help me

understand a little more. Can you help us understand why

men are scared.....is it that they think they will be trapped?

Or is it they are afraid of the feelings in an "A"

After all,it takes 2 people to have an A, and it seems all

is well in the beginning, then some kind of guilt comes into

play. Then the roller coaster begins, no calls, emails or

being together, then they start all over again, the affection

wants, desires. I believe it is the ups and downs that

eventually drag us all down, men and women, I don't know.

Seems like more women that men, would that be a correct assumption?


Appreciate any mens input to this...women also, of course..

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:56pm
"After all,it takes 2 people to have an A, and it seems all

is well in the beginning, then some kind of guilt comes into

play. Then the roller coaster begins, no calls, emails or

being together, then they start all over again, the affection

wants, desires."

I can completely relate to this remark, Bunny. This is where me and my mm are right now. Once things started getting physical, he withdrew. I started noticing this about 2 weeks ago. He still calls 6/7 days of the week, sometimes more than once per day. But the conversation centers around work and how each of us are doing, no talk of when we will see each other again or our feelings, etc. I think the guilt is starting to hit him. He's done this once before, right after we kissed for the first time, so I'm not all that concerned because I know he'll come back around. But it is frustrating and it does get me down, especially when I've had a bad day and want to see him just to be hugged by him, but he "can't" get out of the office. I just have to try and be patient with him because I know in the end that he's worth the wait.

LM227

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:12pm
I can relate to all your going thru also. I want him so bad,

i would do anything to be held also, esp on bad days.

Sometimes, when we plan to meet, something always happens

at the last minute...usually myself or him wind up getting

calls related to business, then we have to

'raincheck' everything, i usually end up crying all week then,

just hoping the next week I can see him.

Is it really worth all the tears? Seems like that is all I

have been doing lately.....then i hear from him and him stating

he wants me and then i am so happy again.

This is really driving me crazy, also. I fineally have a

Dr's appt, I do need something to calm me down, before

i loose my mind, i love him so much..going on 7months..

how long for you?

Thanks, Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:13pm
See, the problem with determining something like this is that each A and each individual is different. I honestly believe that most of these men do feel something for the women they choose to have an A with. But the level of feelings is almost always different between two people. If a particular MM is looking primarily for something physical and then something emotional develops out of it, I can see the possibility of him pulling back a bit out of fear. He was hoping for no entanglements and instead he is feeling himself being drawn into a situation that wouldn't be easy to get out of. And as I said, too many men feel the best way to deal with this is to run away, figuratively speaking. It isn't that they don't care or that they want to hurt the person they are with. It is that they do care and think this will keep them from hurting that person. It is misguided, but I believe this is a common line of thought. Just my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:27pm
What if you think the emotional part comes first and physical (very limited physical- just hugging and kiss) come second? I think this is the boat I'm in... ( maybe not- but this is my scenario with MM)

What then? Why are they scared? What gives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:30pm
Hi O:

Yes that is what I mean about the roller coaster feelings:

Everything in the beginning is exciting, new, physical

then you start knowing more and more about each other..likes

dislikes, etc.

The mind comes into play, as well as the strong physical desire

we all feel with our partners..That is where the trouble comes

into play..you do not even realize at the time what you

are doing emotionallly together. You don't mean to be

emotional, but it happens.

My MM and I, just as everyone else seems to be, are very very

physically attracted to each other, I desire him always.

It seems now, everything is on hold, our jobs do get in the

way of our being together, but it is something we deal with and

work out.

Why do men feel they have to run away.....some of us would

rather just have the physical..but then again, the mind gets

in the way, and we are all back to where we started.

What a mess we are all in, and thanks for the explanation,

Should we, women, then back off a while when we do not hear from them?

I think the worst thing you can do is pester them, then they

will back off completely..

Do you also think they could have real feelings for us, and

just want to cool it for a while to see how they feel in a

week, or month?

Thanks for talking to us, you do help

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:34pm
I still think everything becomes more real when there is physical contact involved. I fell in love with IS before we ever met in person, but when we finally did and I held her in my arms for the first time, I knew I couldn't bear to let her go. Of course I didn't run away. But if a man typically responded to that type of situation by backing off, the physical contact could certainly be a catalyst. You could talk or e-mail and say very serious emotional things but when he kisses you, it probably seems a little more real. At least that would be my guess.

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