Q for Rain re: obsession

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for Rain re: obsession
34
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:01am
Hi O-

In the 'obsessed' post you made this statement.... can you you explain/expand. I truly enjoy opinions. It is great to get a male's perspecive!

You say "They are interested primarily in the "chase" and lose interest when they feel they have "won". It is particularly true of men who either don't have feelings for a person or who are scared of the feelings they do have, though."

Out of curiosty, which group would you consider to be the majority in A's? The "non-caring" or the "scared of feelings".

Thanks much! :-)

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:37pm
Bunny-

Great questions... O- I am anxiously awaiting your responses to B's and my post....

Thx!

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:48pm
Why do men feel they have to run away?? I have no idea. As I've stated, I am not like these men in this particular way. I'm not the type to run away from my feelings. If anything, I run towards them. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that these men are generally uncomfortable with their emotions and a complicated situation like an A presents a particularly difficult situation. The risks are incredible and that is all amplified when emotions are involved.

As far as whether you should back off, it all depends. Is he worth it? I guess I never really understood why so many women have A's with men who are so emotionally unavailable. If you're not getting your emotional needs met at home, wouldn't you seek someone out who can better provide that to you? But I suppose we all find someone one way or another and if you truly want to progress with this man, then you're right. You should give him space and let him come back to you.

I don't think they are backing off to see if their feelings are real. I think they are backing off because they don't want them to be real. Obviously they often end up coming back anyway. But I don't think it is probably a need for self-analysis as much as it is fear.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:53pm
Yes, you are again correct........the first time I kissed my

MM, I was putty in his hands, his eyes looking into mine

said it all.

Maybe that is why it is so hard not to see them often.....you

think how wonderful that moment was, and want to think of

nothing else.

His kisses turned me on like no other, i guess that is what

i miss the most, e-mails and calls are nice, but the

physical side of the relationship makes me melt.


I want to ask you one more question.....do you think it

is possible for your "A" to develop into more..do men ever

marry or commit to their partner ever? My situation, both

married but neither have children..one advantage over

others. Why do we stay married if we are not happy anymore?

Is it the convenience, or the hastle of starting over? I would

start over if I was asked.....no hesitations.

Please advise, thanks

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:58pm
I believe that this "getting scared when a relationship moves to the next level" thing is very individual and is not at all gender-related. In my case it didn't scare me a bit - it was she who got scared of the intensity of her own and my feelings and felt the need to run away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:05pm
Well this is an interesting question for me to answer. I am going to be divorced this year. I do have children also. IS was the catalyst, but certainly not the cause of the end of my M. She showed me what a R is supposed to be like. And I do, in fact, plan to continue to build my R with her and, with a little luck, marry her. I am already fully committed to her. She is not married, which makes it somewhat easier I suppose. But we still have a lot of obstacles to overcome. I believe that when you find someone who you feel that real connection with, though, it is worth any difficulty to make the R work. I do not consider IS an OW, but from a technical standpoint, our R started that way. So yes, it can develop into more and MM will commit to someone they started out having an A with. But again, I think each man and each A is unique.

As far as why you don't both just leave, I think it is a mistake to just leave a M and jump right into another. First it is important to go through some type of counseling to find out what issues led to the failure of your current M. Remember that at one time you felt strongly enough about this person to marry him. No matter what the issues were that led to the failure of that M, it is best to deal with them so you don't carry them over to your next R. Also, even without children, there is history there. Not always good history, but this is still someone you've known for a very long time.

Finally, you want to take your time if you ever do decide to move forward. Make sure this man is the right one for you. You don't want to be back in this same position in a year or three or five. Make sure you're doing what is right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:05pm
Thank O

In my particular case, my MM came after me, not me after him.

I did not pick and choose, when I happend to meet him in

person after him being a client of mine for 3 years, I

melted. We had already had a business emotional relationship very

professional.

After we met, is when it happened for us. The physical

just overwhelmed us. After 7 months, we have gotten close

and I truly feel I do love him. We have never spoke about L word

nor would I bring it up. I want it to happen, if it is meant

to be. Neither one of us have kids, that is a plus to

my situation. So I don't know why women are with emotionally

tied men, mine was not, just business turned into physical,

into wanting to be with him always.

So then in a nutshell, they want to evaluate their feelings inside

privately? Then when they approach us again, they are feeling

more confident?

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:07pm
Ok- I think I have enough guts now to ask my question to the men folk here ( and gals too)... so let's say my MM has some feelings for me even after me telling him how I felt and my health issue. We still have gotten together twice after that- but the emails have slowed down. Ok - so is he starting his run? And if so, is is because of my situation or what I've said. OR, is he scared of his feelings or are they not there at all? Does he fall into the 'scared of feelings' category or 'don't care' category or "???" category...

I don't even know what I am asking anymore. I think I'm just trying to gage his actions/non-actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:09pm
I disagree boston. I don't think it is a genetic thing, but I definitely think men are taught to handle their emotions differently than women. Specifically, they are taught to NOT deal with them. Or even admit they feel them.

Again, I am generalizing and there are always exceptions. I know in my case, I am much more like a woman in terms of how I express my emotions. But I am speaking of this particular type of man and what I feel are the reasons behind this type of behavior. Again, it is just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:11pm
Honestly vles, I don't know. It is entirely possible he cares for you and is scared off by the health situation. It's also possible he was looking for something uncomplicated and now that your situation is more difficult, he is scared off. Or maybe he has something in his life that makes him less available.

My best advice would be to talk to him. If he truly cares for you, he'll understand that you need to know this. And if he doesn't, then he isn't worth your time anyway.

Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:15pm
I agree with you Boston: running away is not gender-oriented..

I believe respect for your partner is very important.

How are you doing with your situation?I did not

realize (been away from the posts for a while) what you

have been thru......

Yours is unique...usually the men run away..not the women.

or so I have read


Are you doing OK?

Bunny