Q for Rain re: obsession

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for Rain re: obsession
34
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:01am
Hi O-

In the 'obsessed' post you made this statement.... can you you explain/expand. I truly enjoy opinions. It is great to get a male's perspecive!

You say "They are interested primarily in the "chase" and lose interest when they feel they have "won". It is particularly true of men who either don't have feelings for a person or who are scared of the feelings they do have, though."

Out of curiosty, which group would you consider to be the majority in A's? The "non-caring" or the "scared of feelings".

Thanks much! :-)

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:27pm
I've been following this thread all morning since my earlier post. And once Omaha took rightful credit for the initial post I've sat on the sidelines and read everyone's remarks with interest.

But... I really have to voice an observation. Please, I really don't intend or want to hurt feelings, and I don't want to upset anyone. But I think a few of our lovely women need to hear this. So here goes.

As a general course of actions, men do not do much to examine their feelings. They will act on them without thinking a lot about them. There are exceptions of course, and the vocal minority of men here may well do too much to represent those exceptions.

I agree with most of what Omaha has said about men and how we aren't generally taught by our fathers to share or whatever. I will add to this that many women are encouraged to do exactly that and question what's good for them, what's best and so on. This is true even more so in the this age of attempted sexual equality.

There have been a few posters who have asked seemingly very similar questions to Omaha this morning, all asking him to clarify something he can't clarify -- he simply doesn't know how the men in these situations can be classified. Yet the questions continue. I'm sorry, but if this is how you approach answers from your OM/MM, you may simply have to face the reality that maybe the man in your life simply doesn't have an answer for you he can give. Nothing hidden, nothing deceitful, just no answer. Asking repeatedly with slightly different phrasing will only make most people, men or women, withdraw.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:35pm
Yep, I am finally doing relatively OK - two years and a lot of heartache later... But that's off topic. I agree with Omaha in that if there is something you want to know - ask. Misunderstanding and lack of communication is a surefire way to kill a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:48pm
Hi Rain:

Thanks again for your input.....yes I know women all

seem to ask the same questions....I appreciate all you

men taking the time to help us. Thats is why you are all

special, and that is what this is all about...helping

us understand each other.

Maybe the men in our lives do not have an answer, but

a response is better than no response. Maybe that is

what we women cannot understand. You certainly have

cleared the air in that matter.

Thanks again rain

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:58pm
I agree with Bunny. My two cents is that we women have a hard time with the gray matter in all of this. So we ask the same question a few hundred different ways and pray that someone will tell us an absolute answer. You know, eliminate that gray matter. However, then we are uncertain and uneasy perhaps of the black and white and the answers that may come forth.

And I thank you also Rain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 2:59pm
Thanks Again..I know myself and others will ask and

respect your reply, it is nice having men help you

understand men.....seems a little funny..dosen't it?

Helping everyone is what this is all about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:09pm
we've been going about 7-8 months. i miss him lately but i know he's been busy at work the past couple of weeks. but that doesn't negate the lonliness. i just wish he had more time with me. but with 2 kids at home, and he is their primary caregiver, i know that he doesn't have much time left over. but i'm willing to take what he's got.

LM227

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:46pm
I know the feeling, I miss mine also. Nothing is worse

than missing someone you are very fond of. I would

take any moment also. I wonder if men feel that way..

One kiss, one touch.that is all I want from him.

Now I want to cry too...I do have some hobbies that

keep me busy on the weekends. Although, no kids,

hobbies do help. I go to the beach alot, live in Fla

Signed up for eagle sightings and loggerhead turtle

watches for the nesting areas this summer. Besides

I will also get a nice tan, and look real good in

my bikini!!

Maybe some hobbies may help you on the weekends also, meet

people, that also helps.

Sometimes, when I am by my pool, with my eyes closed, I imagine

us together, at the pool, laughing, loving and talking..just

a dream, but maybe someday, as the song says " I will go down

with the ship, I am in love"

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:31pm
I totally agree with you boston. I'm a married woman involved with someone who is not, and when things get too close emotionally, I have to back off. It's not that I want to back off, but I am married... It really depends on what type of situation you are in. Divorce is out of the question for me because of my two children, and my husband is really a great guy - emotionally and physically. So why do I cheat????? If anyone has the answer, I'm listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 6:36pm
Vles,

Maybe the answer I am giving is not the one you would like listening to but excuse me for my bluntness but here it goes.

When I started chatting with MM last year (the one that I loved), I also were chatting with a few others. There was one guy, a very well to do married guy, who I really liked and had terrific conversations with (we would talk about religion, relationships, kids) but I did not have anything beyond that for him. He on the other had very very deep feelings for me. He would always be expecting or gauging my reactions that I had something more for him. He would constantly invite me to meet him for lunch, when he would go out of town he would constantly email me, I would be in his thoughts. The feelings I had for him were totally platonic where you could really enjoy somebody's company but don't intend to bang him or something. I would innocently flirt a lot with him initially while at the same time telling him I had the hots for somebody else. But when I realized that he was truly falling for me, I took the "I and you" thing out of it. I really liked to help him in his life, I would discuss his wife, why his relationship with her was sour, what he could do to improve it, his kids, the lack of spirituality in which they were being raised, his work, etc etc. But anyway the point I was trying to make was that being the blunt person that I am I told him many times that I never envisioned any relationship between me and him and that I just wanted to be friends with him. He on the other hand always wanted more. Ultimately, I started feeling very uncomfortable talking with him because I thought that any conversation that I might have with him, he might construe it to mean something more or I might unconsciously be leading him on and with him desiring me and me not him, it was difficult to have platonic conversations with him. So I just stopped talking with him but I did phase off in a nice goofy way so that there was closure for him.

Now it could be that your guy really enjoyed the friendship with you initially before you bought the heavy and deep stuff into it, he being a guy was enjoying the ego boost that you were giving him but in his hearts of hearts he has never intended to take the relationship to any other level maybe because he doesn't feel the chemistry with you as you feel with him or may be the ego boost you provided him earlier was enough to fulfill the void he felt in his life. But now you, sounding needier and expecting more from him, is freaking him off. Maybe he values you more as a friend than as a lover and he is just too much of a coward to say it to you and doesn’t want to hurt you.

Vles, I didn't want to offend you but I hate the fact that you, in your time where you need lot of emotional comfort and love, are depending upon a person who may not be able to give it to you.

I hope everything goes well for you.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:16pm
Damn, PG.

Make that call, LOL. I think this is where I meant to go earlier with my post, but then (as you have so politely suggested of the MM in question) I chickened out on calling a duck, a duck.

And that's an addendum to PG's point: sometimes, especially if we like to consider ourselves "nice guys," it's very hard to be direct and honest if we think it's going to be hurtful. I have a hard time thinking of something I hate more than watching a woman I care about cry...

Good post, PG.

rain