Q for Rain re: obsession

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Q for Rain re: obsession
34
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:01am
Hi O-

In the 'obsessed' post you made this statement.... can you you explain/expand. I truly enjoy opinions. It is great to get a male's perspecive!

You say "They are interested primarily in the "chase" and lose interest when they feel they have "won". It is particularly true of men who either don't have feelings for a person or who are scared of the feelings they do have, though."

Out of curiosty, which group would you consider to be the majority in A's? The "non-caring" or the "scared of feelings".

Thanks much! :-)

V.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:50am
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Edited 10/1/2004 7:06 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:40am
PG- You're right and I know it. I don't regret anything I told MM. I felt as if we were friends and made it clear that I wanted nothing from him. He was just easy to be with, etc... And yes, I believe even though we saw each other after that he was on his way to 'checking out'. And what did I expect anyhow? I am in a rotten M and he seemed to "want" me. It made me feel good, no, great. But I am not an idiot- I knew nothing would come of this although there were many times that the "fool" in me hoped so. The realistic "V" knew better. The last email came on Friday from him and you probably have read our lack of contact this weekend when we saw each other so I won't go into that. Yesterday there were no emails and I did not have the desire to send him one. I know better. It just looks like I'm "hanging" on. And you know what? I think I can somewhat honestly say I'm better than that. What happened to me? I am smart, great career, attractive, etc. Why did I let my heart run the show? Anyhow, I have no desire to email him today either and I don't expect to see anything from him. My only sadness now is that our fun is over and I know he enjoyed my company and I his. I will miss that. But I need friends that will be able to stick with me through my illness and not run away. He has a nice life, gorgeous wife, great kids, etc. I can see why throwing in something like this is just not where he wants to be. Truly, I can respect that.

It still hurts though- I can't lie about that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:51am
Dear V,

I am so sorry for what you have been going through both emotionally and physically. But in reading everyone's posts and looking at my own situation I have to agree with them. I think the MM enjoy what is fun, non-committal, easy going, enjoyed company....the friendship, the talks, the physical aspects when they occur. When things seem to be going towards a more personal emotional level, they suddenly realize something has to give. I don't think everyone can handle the heavy emotional weight of A's. Especially if they know that there is no option of leaving the marriage they are in. For whatever reason. My MM cannot leave his marriage. I knew that going into it. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't have that hope that one day life would change and we could magically be together. But it just didn't work that way in my case. On the 7th it will be 3 months since intimate contact with MM. We see each other everyday at work. At first I didn't understand his withdrawal from me at all, when I left that day, I had no idea it would be our last time together. Maybe I would have done something different...said something different. But now I am through second guessing.

This past week, I posted that I completely lost it with him. I did, I said all those ugly things I wanted to, it made me feel better, altho he hasn't even bothered to acknowledged that I did it. In fact he has been nicer to me than ever. I honestly believe now that he realized we were both getting way too serious and that we needed to keep our "friendship". It is very important to both of us and so I think now, altho it's been hard these past weeks, that I am happy for what he has done. At least I leave the A with a friendship. Why he never really "ended" it like he should have, I am sure I will never know. I have just made peace with the fact that it's just how he felt he had to handle it. He told me in the past, whenever we had R talks, that it made him want to just clam up and head for the barn. So I have to assume that he handles the things he feels are important to him like that, he goes to his private place and he deals with it on a personal level. I'm not saying this is the right thing to do, nor has it been helpful to me. But I guess a part of me realizes that if he didn't care at all, this wouldn't be bothering him like it does. He could have just walked away without an attempt at trying to keep our friendship.

I think that maybe your MM needs some space to think about what is happening to you physically. An illness is a terrible thing to deal with in any type of regular relationship and adding the strain of this being an A, I'm sure it compounds it for him. I wonder if maybe the aspects of not being able to be there with you when you are sick from the treatments affects how he sees things. He definately knows all that you are going through and it could be possible that he feels in some odd way that words of comfort are not enough, and because he wants to give more but cannot...this pushes him into the mode of silence....for lack of knowing what to do for you.

These are just thoughts that I've had while reading. Just throwing them out there. I hope that everything gets better for you....but remember...you need friends you can count on, who will be there for you. But sometimes there are friends out there that love us, but because of their own fears, don't know how to be our friends in situations such as this. But honestly, I don't think it makes them any less our friends.

JMHO

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:08pm
Kitty-

Thanks for your kind words. I feel the same as you when you say" had I known this would be the last time together..." Man, had I known that our lunch a week or so ago would be the last time for us being together (and I don't mean intimate- we never were.) I can't say what I would have done different. Maybe nothing? Not sure- and it is now a moot point. I just wish he would have said something to end it. I am a person who needs closure handed to me on a plate.

I wish you were right on MM needing space to think about what is happening to me. Heck, to even think about me at all. I don't think he knows what I'm going through- has never seen me sick or tired. I have always looked top notch when I knew we were getting together. He does know that I missed a lot of work last week due to getting sick here and going home but only through email. He asked one day last week if I was feeling Ok and I said nope. That's the most he's EVER acknowledged any of this. But again, what do I expect. I only wanted (want) to know that at one time he cared.

It's just hard to see it come to an end so soon...

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