Question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Question?
1
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 3:26pm
I have been in my relationship about 5yrs off and on. I have always felt a little guilt for the other people who are involved if we would be found out. I was visiting the other board because I think its time to truly stop this roller coaster ride but yet my heart still says NO because I think with out my crutch I will fall hard! I hate my H things that have gone on our marriage for 20yrs but still do not wish that kind of hurt on my own spouse or anyone else! Do any of you ever worry what it would do to your spouses or family? Here is a bit of a message I came across and would like to share it with you.

This is the spouse after she found out about her H affair. I truly need to stop this its taking a toll on the little bit of health I have left!


I was the one who discovered the affair and in one night lost my H and best friend. I am still suffering for all of my losses. But, you seem to think that I have not lost a thing. It's always all about you....never mind that this past year has also been a horrible one for me. I have uprooted my children, moved in with my mom, lost a great job, had a close call with my dad, might lose my grandfather who is the hospital as I write in ICU. But, you seem to think that your losses far out weigh mine. You might be right, but I did not do anything to bring on my losses I did not make a choice to do something that altered my life and snowballed into an avalanche. He by the way did not rape you. You seem to blame him 100 percent for the affair. You chose to tag along knowing that it would crush me. Your choice affected me and my life. Your choice altered my history and my future. Regardless of what state you think that my marriage was in

After all I have spent the majority of my life with him. I have been with him since just after my 21st b-day turning 39 very soon. He is all I know and have known for the past 18 years. He is the father of my children. He is the third person that I have made love too. He saw me naked when I was truly beautiful as I will never look that beautiful again. He knows how every scar on my body came to be there. I have been to the other side of the world and back with him. He has seen things that no other people will ever see.... like my uterus and all of my insides during the c-section...yeah I know you are thinking what but, it is just a fact and no one will ever see what he has seen. He and I shared the birth of our children alone together. I saw the delivery of DD through watching his face. I have sent him off on 6 month cruises hating him but yet so excited at his return. I have made love to him so very passionately and let him closer than I have any other human being in the world. I have truly looked into his eyes and felt pure love for him like our souls somehow touched each other. I have loved him as I have no other. I have loved him and I have hated him to the core of my being. I have sacrificed so much of myself to be with him........ I have always been able to say to myself hey you know I am not alone I am married. Whether we got along or not I still HAD someone to say was my very own.Not the case anymore! I am alone..


What do you think about this?

Soul

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: mysouliscrushed
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:43pm
Wow. I have to admit that was hard to read. I understand the pain that was felt. I know that in many ways my W is feeling that pain now. But as much as I understand and sympathize with it, I feel I must point out some things here...

"He by the way did not rape you. You seem to blame him 100 percent for the affair. You chose to tag along knowing that it would crush me. Your choice affected me and my life. Your choice altered my history and my future. Regardless of what state you think that my marriage was in"

This seems to me to be blaming the OW. I've seen this a lot. It is easier to blame the other person rather than the cheating spouse. Ultimately it was he who was responsible to her and he who betrayed her. The OW isn't innocent, but she isn't the one who owes the W explanations either unless she was her friend to begin with.

"I have always been able to say to myself hey you know I am not alone I am married. Whether we got along or not I still HAD someone to say was my very own.Not the case anymore! I am alone"

Being alone is a fear I think we all share as human beings. We're all inherently afraid of solitude. But to suggest that it is worth staying married just so you're not alone to me seems like a bad reason. Is it better to be with someone you don't get along with than to be alone with the chance to find someone you do share interests and goals with? Is it better to fight or just not even talk than to be alone? Are you sure you're not alone in that instance? Don't get me wrong, I don't take affairs or marriages lightly. I just think that so many of us get married for the wrong reasons and then stay way too long because we're all terrified. Scared to be alone. I only wish I hadn't been so scared. My life would be a lot simpler now. But alas, none of us is perfect and I love my kids with all my heart.

Just wanted to chime in there. I feel the pain from this message, believe me. But sometimes we have to go through pain to regain our happiness.