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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Question
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Tue, 09-23-2003 - 4:50pm
I hope that some of you don't take this the wrong way but I have to ask. How many of you embarked on your EMA's to find love? It seems to me, while I'm lurking that there are a lot of unhappy people here. Is there anyone on this board that is just having a wonderful time and enjoying the time spent with their MM. I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand that if someone were so disappointed with their current situation, why would you stay in it? I love my H but my MM and I enjoy lots of conversation and Great sex (something that is missing in both our marriages). I guess I'm in a different place than most. I wouldn't want anything to change with my EMA. I don't loose sleep if I don't hear from him for a few days (which almost never happens) but if it does, It's all good! We both understand that we have other obligations to other people. I'm not bragging either. I'm just the type that if it hurts don't do it. NMR

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:06pm
Gosh, that is really how I feel too--I am trying to get to the point of thinking it is okay. I think that it may be unrealistic to expect one person to give us EVERYTHING that we need and want. Why can't we have multiple individuals in our life, each of whom give us something different. I love my h as well but he doesn't give me some of the things that my mm does--good conversation, emotional intimicy--don't know about the physical yet. I am just not sure how to handle this when and if it goes to the next level. i am worried that i may start to want more, that he may start to want more, that one or both of us will feel as if we are betraying the spouse. Tell me nomoreregrets, how do you deal with all this? Was it ever an issue?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:21pm
Well, I didn't embark on my EMA to FIND love. Rather MM and I suddenly found ourselves in an EMA because we realized we had already FOUND love with each other. I used to always say I would not get involved with a MM and here I am doing just that. The A has only been going on for a few months and I'm hoping as time goes by (providing the A continues) I will be able to NOT spaz out if I don't hear from him. Right now that is really difficult for me, but I think that stems from my expectations in regards to relationships and adjusting to a type of relationship I've never experienced before. So I'm learning, day by day, how to react to different things.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:34pm
No, it has never been an issue with us. In the beginning, I could be a little too sensitive to things that I shouldn't have been. As our friendship has grown, we have gotten to know each other’s schedules and commitments. We are very open and honest with each other. If he does or says something that bothers me, I let him know, right away instead of dwelling on it and he does the same thing. Sometimes, when a person holds things in that may be bothering them, we as humans have a tendency of letting our thoughts get the best of us. I mean, if he says he'll call me to check in on Sunday afternoon and he doesn't. No big deal and vise versa. I think that the key to our relationship is that even though we are lovers (every chance we get) we are dear friends. In reality we have three relationships going on in our lives. Not only are we intimate but also we are friends with our spouses. Then we have our friendship. It's a three-fold situation. Is this making any sense? I guess what I’m trying to say is keep things relaxed, honest and forthright. Good luck! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:35pm

Hi NMR,


No... I didn't get into my EMA looking for love... but it's what I found.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 7:39pm
I have to say I see what you are saying. And I was unhappy in my A for a long time. But through everything I have now been very happy for about a month. I think I am finally over all the issues with being in an A and now I am just enjoying it to the fullest. Taking everyday and every moment with MM and being happy. I wasn't looking for love... but I did find it. I found an amazing friend and lover that will be a happy lifelong memory, no matter how long we stay together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:52pm
I don't think that I was really looking for love, it just happened. Now that I am almost divorced, I just don't think that the A is enough anymore. Although my MM has been a wonderful friend and lover, I'm getting to the point that I don't like him going home to his W every night while I'm home alone. I have never asked him to choose, but what am I supposed to do when I want more? I know that we love each other, but I'm go worried about someone finding out about us, that that is really getting to me. I'm afraid that if the W finds out, we will no longer be able to be friends. How are you supposed to give up the one person who makes you the happiest...yet lonliest? Are you all afraid of giving up the love that you have with your MM/OM? Especially when it is the kind of love people only find in the movies?!?!?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 12:22am
Wow, myballcoach, you said something that really hit home with me. MM is the one person who makes me the happiest, and the lonliest. And I am terrified of giving up the love I have with him. However, I know if the A were to end, we would still love each other, we would just interact with each other differently.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 9:08am
First off I am new, and it's nice to know that I am not alone.

I know where you all are coming from and battle it daily.

I never thought in a million years that I would have an A. When MM and I met we weren't looking for that, it just happened. Many months later we are best friends, lovers, and eachothers support through good times and bad.

Like you annika, the thought of not having him in my life terrifies me, and it terrifies him, but we get through day by day and just hope for the best. We both love our S/O in some way, and don't plan to leave, and this is a first for both my MM and I. But nonetheless its hard.

I see his eyes when he finds out that I spent a weekend away with my H, or when I go out dancing. And he see's it in mine when I know he spent the weekend with is wife. But it's something we have to deal with. We speak everyday, and see eachother as often as we can which isn't often. Just yesterday he was worried about how I am doing, there are times I have guilt and he says he feels he should just say goodbye and let me go on in life. But I got upset and said that yes, there is time I have guilt, but the time that he makes me feel alive, wanted, respected, needed, and so on is so important to me that a little negative emotions at times is worth it.

When it started I was his buddy and he was my pal, and thats all it was going to be. But within weeks that changed and we were terrified and amazed at the same time.

At first I didn't know what to think, I wanted to stop it there and then thinking that what if one day I want more from him and jeapordize my family and his. But I did a lot of thinking, and realized to just take it a day at a time and to keep a proper perspective on things.

So, don't mind me rambling, but I know where you are coming from.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:10am
Hello Ladies, Thanks for your input and and opinions. I wish you all luck! I have one question regarding a couple of things said in your replies. Shouldn't the one person who makes you the happiest or lonliest be you/yourself? NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: nomoreregrets
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:38am
Hi nomoreregrets

I wasn't looking for love, just friendship and sex, and I have found them. But I have discovered that as much as I though I could handle only that - I think it's in my nature to want more. I though I could just have great sex and enjoy it for what it is. But I'm finding it is hard to do it without feeling something more. I'm holding it in though. That's me.

 

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