A question about fate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
A question about fate
13
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:00am
This question is intended for those who are in a very serious extramarital affair the second or more time around but others feel free to chime in. I noticed a poll here where majority of the people voted that they would consider their affair partner their soulmate. Then I read another thread where a few of the posters (Red and Whatnow, I think) had indicated that they had been their H's OW. Anybody romantic (including me) would like to believe that destiny or fate had a hand in bringing us together with the OW/OM etc but what when its the second time around? When one looks at that situation it kind of evaporates ones belief in destiny or the comfort level one gets in believing that everything thats happening (the affair) is for a reason and is part of fate's bigger plan and that this OW/OM is that grand partner we were waiting for all our life. Instead it seems that every relationship is what we make it to be regardless of fate.


PG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:09am
Oh NO!! You are back!! J/K

Seriously PG, we have several soul mates in our lives not just one. So if we meet our soulmate the second time around, what is wrong with it? That is destiny or fate too. Fate has nothing to do with things happening only once, circumstances happen multiple times and its still destiny, meant to be.

I am not with an affair second time. God knows I will kill myself first before I get into the next one (hee hee). Why is it different from a singles perpective, where you meet a lot of men whom you think are soulmates but don't really end up with them. Think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:13am
I never truly thought my H was my soul mate...we had too many differences. Now, with my MM, we have an unbelievable amount of things in common. We both truly believe that fate has intervened in our lives. Do I believe he is my soulmate? Well, it certainly feels that way. Great topic, PG!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:35am
I am a true believer in fate. I believe it was my destiny to be with my H. I never thought that I would ever experience those feelings with another person. I did. And as I just described in rain's "Where did you meet" post, I definitely feel that I was related to xMM in a previous life. I also believe that it was our destiny to be together in this life, even for a short-time.

I have also said, although it is very difficult at the moment, that I have been blessed to find not one, but two true-loves in this lifetime. I will be forever thankful for that.

This is my belief only and I'm not preaching, nor do I wish to debate the issue on public forum, but paths (which I believe we chose for ourselves) set before us are meant to challenge us in order that we learn a lesson. There wouldn't be much point in just drifting through life, taking the easy road, only to leave the earth without experiencing hardships and heartache. What would be learned from that? Lessons learned are transferred with us into the next life thereby we use that knowledge subconsciously to either help someone else or meet our own challenges in a more positive way. However, lessons not learned are also transferred and we are destined to repeat the same pattern again.

So as for the second time around. My first A took place when I was 17. I can't honestly say that I was trying to fulfill a need at that time. All I knew was that I was in love. I did not pressure my H to leave his W. They did not have a good R. They were high-school sweethearts and he had always told her they would get married. Although the R was destructive, he felt he had to keep his word. Young and foolish as they say. My second A happened 20 years later. Do I believe it was destiny? Of course. Are we meant to be together for the rest of our lives? Who knows. Life can be long. We never know what might happen 10, 15 years down the road. We may find each other again at that time, and our situations may allow us to be together, as they don't right now.

Was I searching for an unfulfilled need? Perhaps. Did I find it? Yes. But in with fulfilling one need, I created many more. The anxiety, the longing, the heartache. These are the challenges that I must face head on and hopefully it will be with lessons learned, so that I never repeat this pattern in my next lives.

As for the soulmate, which I also believe in, I have to say that xMM is my soulmate. He and I connect on every level - emotional, sexual, spiritual. My H also recognizes this. It is just a fact that has to be lived with. The way I look at it - at least I met my soulmate - some people go through an entire life without ever meeting.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's what I believe in.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:56am
I just don't know.

My W and I... she was the one who introduced me to the idea of soul mates, though I can't say that either of us ever really expressed that we believed we were. There were interesting elements between us as friends for a few years before we dated, and at our best of times we've definitely taught each other some valuable lessons we needed to learn. I have told her, and I believe, that our time together was well spent but that the things we needed to learn from each other have been learned and that we should move on. Most of the time we've been married we've been friends and roommates. Actually most of our R has been that way.

The OW... we met online, on a message board. She was 2000 miles away. Our hobbies match, our spiritualities are close, our sexual compatability is absolutely perfect, and we can sit silently and be perfectly content. If there are soul mates, she is mine. If fate, destiny or synchronicity are things you believe in, I can find lots of incidents in this R I can point to as evidence. Furthermore, when I look into the face and eyes of her child... she feels like someone I know. And that kid has a much older soul than me, I can tell you that much. I feel like she is partially here to teach her mother and I something.

At the same time... I have an interest in Unified Field Theory, String Theory and other matters of how the physical universe works.

So is there fate? Maybe. Or maybe fate is an electrochemical or physical reaction on an imperceivable dimensional scale that causes particles previously united in the universe to seek each other out, and have done so in one way or another since the Big Bang. Energy is neither truly created or destroyed, it simply changes forms, so it's not unreasonable to consider that when we die our 21 grams changes dimensions and redistributes while continuing to seek out particles known before. At least it's no more unreasonable to think that than it is to think fate or destiny or God has the wheel and is driving this bus.

Personally, I don't take comfort in thinking there is destiny or fate because I know humans have a tendency to abuse their free will. They'll make bad decisions because they can or because the good decision is too hard to make. I believe that my OW may very well be my soul mate, but I also know I could cancel that R today and that would be it. Just let fate try to stop me...

Anyway. I don't know. But this is a good topic for conversation and I'm always looking to be convinced or enlightened.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:09pm
Just have to say... your H knows you think that xMM is your Soul Mate?

And he is going to live with that?


Nope. No way. Not me. If my OW or W or anyone in my life said that someone else was their Soul Mate, I'd wish them well and really mean it. Maybe I'm wired with more self confidence, maybe I just believe you gotta follow your heart, but I just couldn't live with knowing someone I care for believed their soul called out to someone else.

Not pointing a single word at you, Red. Just saying I couldn't possibly do what your H is doing; I'd have to wish you well and probably try to help.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:21pm
As usual Philly, you have asked a question that is very thoughtful and very difficult to answer. The problem with the general concept of a soulmate is too often people who feel in love automatically associate it with the term. If they love someone, that person must be their soulmate. I honestly never believed it existed. I never once felt my W was my soulmate. I loved her, of course, but I never felt the type of connection or even devotion to her that fit what I consider to be a soulmate. She is a good person who I respect and care about. I fell in love with her but our love was based on both of us being lonely and scared of being alone. That, of course, is a poor foundation for a M. As everyone here knows, our sexual R was not a good one either. We both had indiscretions. I had A's long before I ever met IS. But they were not the same situation at all. I never met anyone I wanted to spend my life with. I didn't think that person existed.

When I met IS though, something was different. And not just different than with other women, but different than with any other person I've ever known. She and I shouldn't have had as much in common as we do based on demographics. We shouldn't have even found each other. But we did. And in fact we had drifted apart a couple of years earlier and still come back together. The communication between us is so natural and so real. I resisted thinking of her as a soulmate because, as I said earlier, I didn't believe in the concept. But I've given up my disbelief. I have no other explanation for everything that IS and I have shared and experienced.

One other thing I want to say, though, is that even if you find your soulmate, there are no guarantees that is the person you will grow old with. Because any R, even with someone you were destined to meet, takes work. You must start with a solid foundation (although this is much easier with your soulmate) and build a real and solid R. So meeting your soulmate isn't the end of your journey, but the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:25pm
I agree completely Raining and stated as much on a previous thread from Red. I do hope she can save her M if that is in fact what she wants, but I have my doubts whether you can rebuild something that never had the right foundation from the beginning. That is a tough situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:33pm
I've never believed in a "soulmate" theory and I am still not convinced that such a thing exists. And I really can't put my thoughts and feelings into words so eloquently as Rain has. All I know is that somewhere in my heart there is a spot that she's touched once and for all in a way that no one else ever has or will. We share similar beliefs, we have an incredible connection on both emotional and physical level, she's made my life meaningful and complete. If that's what being soulmates is all about - then yes, we are soulmates. Was it fate that brought us together? - I've never thought of it that way. She says we must have been together in one of our past lives. This may or may not be true - again, I am too much of a pragmatist to really believe in this. All that really matters to me is that we've found each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:33pm
Rain,

H is the one that actually pointed it out to me. H and I do not connect on the spiritual level, and although I did not tell H that I thought xMM was my soulmate, he came to that conclusion on his own - I did not confirm nor deny.

What he chooses to live with or without has to be his issue. I'm still reeling from the fact that I'm not out on my a$$. People live without their soulmates everyday, but they can still have a loving relationship - although we may always be searching, as we can see by this board.

For instance, as you say, if anyone is your soulmate you would have to say OW is. This is an example only - But what if she were to die (heaven forbid) tomorrow. As time wore on, and you were past the mourning, and you are ready to enter into a new relationship. OW is still your soulmate, but you are able to create and develop a loving, healthy R with someone else. You may not connect on the same levels that you did with OW, the new R is not your soulmate, however, you can still find happiness, contentment and love within that R.

And, is my belief, you will find OW again - that's what soulmates do.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:47pm
Okay -this is a tough one. My H was married straight out of high school - at 18 years old. I don't know about you, but if I had married the person I was dating at 18, it never would have lasted either! We met when I was 20 and he was 32 - he had already been separated twice and had been struggling with the relationship overall. While he was on paper still married, the relationship had been hanging on by a thread; we met in June, he filed in August.

I don't know about the whole soulmate thing. I never doubted my feelings for him from the second we met and he completely turned his life upside down for me. We've been together for 16 years and he's told me often, especially recently, that he intends to spend the rest of his life with me. In spite of my internal struggles (which have nothing to do with our relationship) and many attempts to push him away, he holds fast. I absolutely love him.

My OM . . . hard to explain also. I haven't been attracted to anyone other than my H since the day I met him. I certainly never thought that I'd be involved with someone else. Stupid, naieve, self-serving - whatever it is, I keep my OM in another place in my head and heart. I have to call it an A, because by definition, it's more than an innocent friendship. But I see it as bringing something positive to my life. I struggle with feeling good about myself - OM makes me feel that and gives my confidence. My relationship with H has actually gotten better because I'm more self-assured.

I too have always believed in fate and that everything happens for a reason. There must be a reason that OM is in my life. But I have no intention of leaving my H and if somehow I had to make a choice - H would win.

I don't know how much sense this makes, but thanks for the opportunity to try to sort it out.

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