Question about friends..........(m)

Avatar for itwasachoice
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Question about friends..........(m)
4
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:22am
Last night I had to hear the third degree from my best friend. First she started off telling me that I am a grown woman and can do what I want with my life. Then she proceeds to tell me what a fool I am for being involved with MM. She is about the only one that I will allow to say anything about him because she is the only one that truly knows him the way that I do. But last night she went to far in my opinion. She proceeds to tell me that I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life because I have shut out any other real possibilities. She said that he is selfish and only ever thinks about himself. That I should be with a man like her husband. I tried to explain to her that I have not given up on the chance at a real relationship but none have just come along for me. She said that I have set my standards to high. I thought it was a good thing to know what you wanted in a man and not to settle for less. She said I need to settle for less because the man I want isn't out there. Then I said I rather be alone. She said the reason my standards are so high is because I base every other man on MM. She said I had no idea men like that were out there until I met MM. (Meaning men that don't drink, don't do drugs, have a steady good paying job and is an excellent father.)I told her she was right. Before MM I spent the majority of my life with my ex husband who, was an alcoholic, a drug addict and he physically and mentally abused me. All the men that came alone in that time and up until now all had one of the wonderful qualities that my ex husband had. Why in the world would I want to settle for that? She said not all men are that way, just look at her husband. I told her that I was happy for her and that she was very lucky but they are few and far between. What makes it harder for me to find a good man is that I am a single mother and don't have the time nor the money to go out ever week to find this so called perfect man she swears is out there for me. Besides that if I could go out where would I go to meet a man, the bar? No thank you the men that go there are all drinkers and I don't want that. I told her I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to go back to the life I escaped from 6 years ago. She says that the only reason I think like that is because of MM. She said I will never find a real relationship because I cant get my head out of Mm's @#$. I personally would rather be in the relationship I am in now and be happy then try to have a new one with someone that could be like my ex. I am not closing the door on other men, I am just being very cautious. She thinks I base all men on MM but in fact I base them all on my ex. I will admit MM is everything in a person I could ever want and she even admits how great he is but she said that him and I will be nothing more than what we are because his wife will never leave him and he wont leave her unless she makes him go. She just kept going back to MM and my opinion on other men. She cant understand that all I am saying is that I want to be with a certain type of man and until he comes alone I am happy with the way my life is now. I have not shut any doors but I am keeping my eyes wide open. She said that all men have some bad qualities and I need to except that and settle for less. Why should I settle for less? I just don't understand why she thinks I don't deserve the best in life, she is my best friend. We had a huge fight over this and she wouldn't listen to a thing I had to say. Do your friends do this to you? How do I make her understand how I feel? Why doesn't she respect that? We never had a fight like this in the 25 years that I have known her. Why in the world would she want me to have a life just like hers, especially when I feel that she just settled for it because she was tired of being alone. Her husband is great and all but he has qualities that I wouldn't want to be a part of. Have I ever told her this, NO! It is her life and if she is happy then so am I. Why cant she do the same for me?
Avatar for incognito1964
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:39am
good morning. i think she just wants you to be happy. i think her equation of happiness is to be in a "normal" relationship, like hers. as far as settling goes, dont do that. never settle for something because you feel like you have to. if you've set expectations, stick with them. because in the long run, it will be your future that is on the line. i wouldnt go back to an abusive relationship simply to be in a relationship. how much more stable can that be than an ema?

have a nice day, and never mind what other people say. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:39am
Good morning... I know exactly where you're coming from. It sounds like your friend has focused quite a bit on your situation...maybe as a way of not dealing with her own? I can't help but wonder if underlying all the concern for you and your future (which is obviously genuine) is a little bit of envy. She said several times how great your MM, which means she recognizes the qualities in him that you love and can appreciate that. So that makes me wonder if it also means she recognizes qualities lacking in her own M and H, and rather than think about THAT, she will focus on the idea that your R is *less than perfect* (due to circumstances).

But you are just like me: if you found in MM all or a lot of the qualities that you want in a man, then you KNOW they exist. And there's no reason to think there isn't someone else out there who is single who might meet your needs... but you haven't met him yet. Do NOT lower your standards! If you are willing to draw the line of "here's what I want, what I deserve, otherwise I'd rather be alone" than you've already thought this through, you know the "consequences" and you're ok w/that. And if you're ok w/the potential of being alone, shouldn't your friend be?

I think she has other issues of her own and last night they built up to a point where she decided to direct it at YOU. She may not even be really aware of what she's doing. Because logically, if you look at what she was railing about... you had already thought it through, you accept your situation and you're happy with it. So why should it bother her at all?

You obviously have confidence to stick to your standards, so keep on doing it. I don't believe in settling. Why should we? There are all types out there and more than one that can knock our socks off... so I believe in waiting for the socks to be whisked off.

I don't know how/if you can make her see things your way. First, I'd give her time to unwind. Second, I might try repeating, gently, that as long as YOU are happy, and YOU have your eyes wide open, you'd appreciate her support and friendship. But friendship doesn't mean a free pass for advice: advice is only good in two situations -- life and death, or when asked. It doesn't sound like you asked for any last night.

But you did this morning and look what you got!! LOL.

I do hope things work out with you and your friend. Stick to your principles because you are right. Never settle. Don't lower standards. And if you're happy, then do all you can to STAY happy. And as Meow has told me... it doesn't mean you shut the door on other possibilities. The options are always present.

Good luck to you.

hugs,

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:24pm
Maybe your friend isn't as happy in her marriage as she thinks she is...or as she lends you to believe....hold your head up high and don't worry about it....know that at this time in your life you have made the right choice for you..and she can accept that and not be critical as your friend...or you should begin to distance from her a bit to know that she has hurt you with her words....

There are men out there that are everything you want...so please don't take her advice in that you have to settle..because none of us do...*hugs*

molly

Avatar for babeslvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:37pm
ok hear me loud and clear DONT SETTLE FOR LESS you know what you want and you are happy now. you have admitted that you are leaving the door open in case that man you are looking for comes along and that is a very smart and wise move. your friend wont understand due to the fact that you have to walk in our shoes to understand. i never thought of cheating on my H with a MM. even if i was S i would never have thought of cheating. but here i am. and i was thinking about this today. i will post that next for all to read. enjoy what you have and dont let her way of thinking get to you. we must all do what is right for ourselves.