Question about YOUR MM/OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Question about YOUR MM/OM
12
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 4:55pm
First of all, it seems to be that the married girls here all have "OM". What if your OM is married? You should call him MM right? (Still trying to get the lingo down..sorry). It seems as if the single OW are the ones calling their "MM". But whenever someone is married they say "OM". I've been saying "MM" in my situation because I am married, and the guy I'm seeing is also married. I'm doing the "MM" correctly then right? Sorry, so confusing. LOL


Anyway, now on to my question. Have any of you OW/MW ever thought about telling your MM's wife? I personally would never do that (although I can see how some would want that to happen). Would you be upset if she "accidently" found out? What are your thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 5:41pm
Heaven's no!!! Why would someone purposely hurt another person that way?

My OM is single, but living with a woman. They have an agreement that they may see other people, but they are each other's primary relationship. She does not know about me, though, because I am married and he did not want to compromise me. As far as she is concerned, I think of it like this: that's HIS issue to deal with, just as my H is my mess to clean up. We are both grown-ups and we've each decided, for our own reasons, to betray our mates. Accordingly, we are each responsible for handling this situation as we each see fit for our own situations. Since I know he is trying to protect me, not himself, the last thing I'm going to do is tell her. Would I be upset if she accidentally found out? I'm not sure. If she only found out that he was seeing me, no, it wouldn't bother me. But if she found out I was married? I might be a little worried, because there must be a reason why OM feels it necessary to not let her know that, but I wouldn't be upset.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 5:53pm
I'm the married one.. My affair is with a single man. So I'm the MW and he's the OM.

My first affair was with an OM and he talked to my H about it... Argh. I was pissed.. But H was good about it... He just brushed the OM off like a fly...

~passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 5:57pm
Never in a million years!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be up to MM to tell her if he wanted to. I would only be upset if she found out and gave MM an ultimatum either her or me. Not sure what he would say or do, but I wouldn't want her finding out, to cause my relationship with MM to end.




Edited 7/17/2003 5:59:23 PM ET by igottaluvhim
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 6:10pm
I am a single woman with a married man. I'm the OW with a MM... right??

I have thought about telling his wife.... ONCE... and I was drinking and being stupid. MM and I had been seeing eachother for 2 months and it was the day we had sex for the first time. For the first two months of our relationship I was the nervous one, always asking him if he was sure he wanted to have an affair. And finally after two months I slept with him on our lunch hour at work. On the drive back to work he didn't say a word. When we were walking back into work he said "Thanks for lunch, see ya later." I completely lost it and was soo upset. I emailed him and was like what the h_ll, you aren't talking to me now, whats the deal. He said he couldn't believe we slept together and he felt horrible. I left work so upset, thinking I lost my best friend, thinking he hated me, ect. And proceeded to drink. After a few hours I called him and was like, I'm calling your wife. I was so mad and hurt and just wanted to hurt him. In the year I had known him I had never seen him mad at anyone or even raise his voice to a soul. After I said I was going to call his wife, he yelled at me and was so afraid of me telling her, he did not want to loose he children. He ended up getting my drunk self to calm down and not tell his wife. Which honesty I don't think I ever could have done. I love him and would never want to see him loose his children, which is what would happen if his wife found out. It's been over a year and he has put me through so much pain and heartache, but I have never again even thought of telling his wife.

I honestly don't think it is ever the place of the OW to tell the wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 6:23pm
Hi Moonlight,

I'm a married woman (MW) with a married man (MM)

As for your question... never!!! never would I even dream of telling MM's wife... just as he would never tell DH and to even suggest it would lose some sort of trust. Besides... we know we are doing wrong... but why should our partners suffer when we are not prepared to walk away from them anyway.

I mean... I've often wondered what would happen should they find out mistakenly... as to how it would be dealt with... but that's as far as I've got.

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 6:48pm
Moonlight

I would never tell OM GF - although I don't think he cares if she finds out for his sake but rather for my safety - she has ALWAYS thought we were together - even months before it was a consideration - and she is not a stable person. Also she is PG (possibly his child) and he does not want to risk anything that may harm the baby (she is very vindictive and would stop at nothing to keep him). He has already called off their wedding and is only styaing until the baby is born in December and he can have DNA testing done. She is VERY opposed to the testing (which should tell you something) so she will not know that it has been done until afterwards. BEcause of our line of work we can arrange this very discreetly. He plans to fight for custody - so he definetly has an agenda right now and I would not do anything to screw that up.

As for my H - OM would never tell him. If H were to ask me, I would not deny it. H and I socalize w/ OM at work functions and H has not seen us together since this all began - so it may come up sooner than i think - we have an outing this weekend.

Anyway - I can see why you would consider it - hell I go to his office to meet him and she has repeatedly asked him what kind of car I drive. As there are only 2 other cars there usually and she can easily drive past there it wouldn't be hard for her. I always take a file with me so I have an excuse to be there and his secretary is our savior - she knows and covers very well for us - but it still would not be good right now.

toodles-

adlong

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 9:02pm
I can't lie, that thought has crossed my mind. Never seriously. I would not ever do that to her or to MM. It would be his place to tell her if it ever needs to be told.

On my really bad days in the past though, I would have moments where I wished my xH (who knew about MM) would just call her and tell her. At least then, SOMETHING would happen. Some decision would have to be made and get his patootie off the fence he is on.

But in reality, I know that would not be the best for any of us involved. Including me.

And I've seen the results first hand, because my xH DID find out about MM. I wouldn't put anyone else through what I went through there. And in the long run, if a miracle happens and MM and I end up together someday, there will always be my xH coming to pick up the kids knowing this guy was the guy who had an A with his wife. Don't think they'll ever be friends?!

If he's married he's MM, and single he's OM. I think that's how it works!

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 10:23pm
Okay, you've got the lingo right!

As to your question... I would NEVER tell, but I wouldn't mind if she found out from him or someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 8:45am
I can't say either way..I was in a R with a SM...he would never have told my H but H did find out...don't trust someone to keep your secret is all I have to say about that.

I have been in a semi R with a MM before and I would never have thought to tell his W! He would have never thought to tell my H! I think that is just something that does not happen...the person telling always ends up the bad guy in the situation...you lose! JMO! Red
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 12:01pm
Hmmm.... I am a SW (single woman) involved w/ a MM.

The thought has crossed my mind about what would happen if his W found out. He says she would go "ape sh!t"... I never would tell her, nor would I allow her to find out. I like the situation as it is. I wouldn't do that to him, I honestly care that his marriage stays intact. I do wonder a lot what she looks like, he's explained her to me, but its not the same. I've seen pictures of his kids, they are beautiful. And I know this sounds strange, but I also try to imagine how MM and his W have sex. I guess they don't have it often, but I wonder, is he the same way w/ her as he is with me? Does he think about me when he sleeps w/ her, and vice versa. I think I'll ask him tonight....

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