I'm not quite there yet, but the paperwork has been filed for D.
Friends...it depends on how much or what is said to the friends. I have told a few of *my* friends the reason for D, but they were *my* friends. StbxH has told *his* friends. We mentioned it as soon as possible (amazing how the opportunity to mention our D comes up!) when either we see a friend, whether mutual or not. There are some that initially snubbed me - my friends and mutual friends. Either they heard of D through the grapevine, or stbxH has been degrading me, and so I considered they weren't "true" friends. But, they have now approached me, said they were sorry to hear, yadda yadda yadda. I don't give details, most won't want to hear anyway. Lexy, don't worry about what others think - if they are real friends they'll stand by you, whatever the reason, and whomever friends they were with, you or mutually with you and H. Your friends are only in "the middle" if you or H allow it.
Are you saying the three children are not yours maternally? Lexy, you cannot say for certain how a D will go until you have spoken to H, and even then, there is much to agree upon with the children...custody, visitation, etc. - can this be done amicably? The laws in my state have changed to protect the father's interest - most times custody is shared equally (unless there is a valid and proven reason one parent is irresponsible, etc.) with both the maternal and paternal parent. I would not assume you will get custody, especially if you are not the maternal parent.
With regards to who remains in the home - you both have the right to remain, at least in my state. My stbxH asked for a D, but he remained - and I wasn't about to leave, so we lived under the same roof for over a year while sorting things out in preperation for D. It was miserable at first - but in my case it was a good thing (I faced him and his abuse, and because of that I was forced to work through it). And in the end, we were able to work out an amicable agreement (as much as one can, lol) because we had to face each other - otherwise we would have done it through lawyers (and blew tens of thousands of dollars!). That was my experience, though - you have to do what is good for you.
Lexy, I would suggest you try to find a lawyer that will allow a free consultation. If you can't find a free consultation, you still need to arm yourseld with information - never assume or think you will be awarded what a friend has in D.
Try your local library or college/university library to see if they have books on the law of D in your state. There is also a website, http://www.divorcenet.com , which has information by state. Also, don't forget iVillage's boards within the Relationships channel, as well as the articles on iVillage, http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/archive/0,,232781,00.html .
Remember, Lexy, the more you know, the more comfortable you will be in making decisions. And the more you know, the less you will be scared. Knowledge is power!
I don't *like* stbxH, I could say some days I loathe him (even if it's a waste of energy/emotion) - but I do have to remain friendly because of the children. I hope that once you are armed with info., you and H can work it out amicably. Good luck, Lexy, and let us know how you get on.
I'm not quite there yet, but the paperwork has been filed for D.
Friends...it depends on how much or what is said to the friends. I have told a few of *my* friends the reason for D, but they were *my* friends. StbxH has told *his* friends. We mentioned it as soon as possible (amazing how the opportunity to mention our D comes up!) when either we see a friend, whether mutual or not. There are some that initially snubbed me - my friends and mutual friends. Either they heard of D through the grapevine, or stbxH has been degrading me, and so I considered they weren't "true" friends. But, they have now approached me, said they were sorry to hear, yadda yadda yadda. I don't give details, most won't want to hear anyway. Lexy, don't worry about what others think - if they are real friends they'll stand by you, whatever the reason, and whomever friends they were with, you or mutually with you and H. Your friends are only in "the middle" if you or H allow it.
Are you saying the three children are not yours maternally? Lexy, you cannot say for certain how a D will go until you have spoken to H, and even then, there is much to agree upon with the children...custody, visitation, etc. - can this be done amicably? The laws in my state have changed to protect the father's interest - most times custody is shared equally (unless there is a valid and proven reason one parent is irresponsible, etc.) with both the maternal and paternal parent. I would not assume you will get custody, especially if you are not the maternal parent.
With regards to who remains in the home - you both have the right to remain, at least in my state. My stbxH asked for a D, but he remained - and I wasn't about to leave, so we lived under the same roof for over a year while sorting things out in preperation for D. It was miserable at first - but in my case it was a good thing (I faced him and his abuse, and because of that I was forced to work through it). And in the end, we were able to work out an amicable agreement (as much as one can, lol) because we had to face each other - otherwise we would have done it through lawyers (and blew tens of thousands of dollars!). That was my experience, though - you have to do what is good for you.
Lexy, I would suggest you try to find a lawyer that will allow a free consultation. If you can't find a free consultation, you still need to arm yourseld with information - never assume or think you will be awarded what a friend has in D.
Try your local library or college/university library to see if they have books on the law of D in your state. There is also a website, http://www.divorcenet.com , which has information by state. Also, don't forget iVillage's boards within the Relationships channel, as well as the articles on iVillage, http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/archive/0,,232781,00.html .
Remember, Lexy, the more you know, the more comfortable you will be in making decisions. And the more you know, the less you will be scared. Knowledge is power!
I don't *like* stbxH, I could say some days I loathe him (even if it's a waste of energy/emotion) - but I do have to remain friendly because of the children. I hope that once you are armed with info., you and H can work it out amicably. Good luck, Lexy, and let us know how you get on.
Meow
Edited 9/18/2003 12:48:02 AM ET by lexylew