Question for everyone..
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| Thu, 04-22-2010 - 10:48pm |
I've been reading a lot of posts from a lot of people who tell someone their AP treats them poorly. That they don't follow through, say the right thing, etc.
Let's be honest here, folks. An affair is not a typical relationship, so how can we define what behavior is appropriate or not? How can we say "(S)he treats you poorly"? Is there etiquette in an affair?
I think no matter what we all want to say or believe - we aren't always honest with our AP's too. Unfortunately, there is a certain amount of dishonesty no matter what.
So, is it AP "bad" if he can't be fully honest about something with you? If he spends time with his family and can't call you? If he tells you he wants to leave, but can't?
Considering the situation, how can we say an AP is "bad" or treats us poorly?


I agree for the most part.
Sometimes, however, it's clear that the AP is treating someone badly, even for an affair situation. Others, I think some posters jump too quickly to say that an AP is treating someone badly. Especially when they're trying to tell the poster, who DOESN'T think her AP is treating her badly, that she's wrong and he is!
I don't think it's helpful to be telling people that their AP is lying etc., when we really don't know one way or the other - who are we to say that her AP is lying - it's up to her to believe or not believe.
If, however, someone expresses doubts about their AP, and gives examples of why she doesn't trust him, I might agree with or disagree with them, all depends on the situation. And sometimes I might bring up the possibility that an AP is lying - like when they are married but say they're not having sex with their spouse. It COULD be true, it's just something that I think would be hard to do in most marriages.
By the way, I'm honest with my OM, and I would expect the same from him. That might sound contradictory since I'm obviously not honest with my H, but I still would expect honesty from my OM. And I think all of us here have a right to expect that from our APs.
Also, I do think it's wrong to tell an AP that you're going to leave if you have no intentions of doing so. That AP is a person with a life and should be allowed to plan their life with the full facts. It might be a different story if you think you will leave, but then find yourself unable to do so. But in many cases I think the AP knows full well that they're not going to leave - and yes, that's wrong.
Proud to be a
You've
Neither my AP nor I would be proud to say that there have been moments in our past where he didn't treat me the way I deserved, and I allowed it.
Well my lover and I are going on two years and we treat one another like we are best friends, cos we are. I have no expectations or desire for him to leave his family. For myself, I exited my long term marriage, something I chose to do before I met my lover.
People deserve to be treated with love and respect. Married folks too, but sometimes that doesn't happen and people turn to others. Some treat the affair person like a girl/guy on the side, and some cherish the person.
All affairs are different. There is no cookie cutter affair. For me, my lover is who I want. I meet single men and I may make a new friend but I have no interest beyond that. My lover treats me so good, together we are perfect.
If someone on here is hurting, feeling used or disrespected, walk on from him/her. But this is not just found in affairs, many marriages are empty and hollow as well.