Question for Lexi

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Question for Lexi
3
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 6:42am

Hi there,


This is a question for Lexi, because I know that her AP is S, but also this can be for anyone else out there who has a S AP.


"How do you handle AP talking about other women that he is thinking about or fantasizing about in front of you?"


I have been learning (still in the process of learning all the time!) how to compartmentalize this A...I spent some good quality time with AP yesterday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 9:32am
I can't say I've had the exact situation you describe. If my AP were to talk that way about someone who is acting the way "miss Nicole" is acting, I would probably advise him that she does not seem to have the same feelings he does. It appears that she considers it a friendship, not in the least romantic. I would probably also advise him that if he really has a crush on her and wants more than the friendship, he should test the waters and ask her out to dinner and make it clear that he's paying and that it's a "date", and see what happens!



I know, I'm weird. It's NOT that I wouldn't be madly jealous. It's just that I always tell myself to respond, in these situations, as if I am truly a friend with his best interests at heart (because I am).



There have been a couple of times he started dating someone and we agreed that if it seemed to become serious, or even headed that way, we would stop seeing each other sexually. I would actually give him advice on things and often showed him the "women's side" of it - taking the girl's side on things and explaining why she was acting a certain way. But in many ways I've spoiled him. I've become so "non-drama", that he doesn't really understand a woman's tendency to blow things out of proportion or to read into things, and he gets all impatient with it. That's why he ended the last relationship - he just couldn't take the drama and the tears about things he didn't think were anything to cry about.



In your case, it's almost as if, after you've been intimate, he wants to "remind" you that it's just an A, or maybe even remind himself that it's just an A. It seems strange timing for him to bring up a crush he has on someone else. If he values your feelings (and he seems to), you could tell him that maybe right after having sex isn't the time to discuss a crush he has on someone else LOL.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:15pm
Thanks Lexi, for the encouragement. I am so glad I found this board. I actually got to see AP again this morning for a little while (he lives near my dentist, and it just so happens that I had a dentist appt this morning). He was waiting for me in the garage and was looking for something that he wanted to lend to "miss Nicole". I basically told him that he either has to accept that they are just friends (apparently, she has quite a few male friends) or he has to be bold and tell her that he likes her and would like to start dating her. And then see what happens. Even though it does hurt to say that, I am genuinely concerned for him and want him to be happy.
Also, just to add...I played it cool again this morning at his apt, made coffee, etc. He was watching me from across the room and then he started to come on to me...he held me and told me how "lucky" he was. I kinda joked with him and said "you are spoiled." then he started to ask me why I let him get physical with me, that he feels like he is violating me and that "this is so wrong." so...the guilt cycle is starting again. Normal for A's, I know. I guess it just means me pulling back a bit and letting him have more space. Not fun to do, but it definately gets a bit easier and I am also becoming so "non-drama" about it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 12:19pm

Hi Heartofsix,


To answer your question: How do you handle AP talking about other women that he is thinking about or fantasizing about in front of you?"


I told him that I don't care for details should he start seeing another woman but I would like to know if he started dating someone else so that I can end the A. I never asked him to stay loyal to me, he said for now what we have is enough and is working for him so he has no interest in no one else. Now is he really being honest? I'll never know but I do believe him to some degree. My AP is single and of course it would hurt me deeply to know any type of details whether intimate or a dinner date. I get jealous when it comes to this and he knows it. I'm the biggest cake eater in the world but I've always told him that if he found someone that I would understand and only wish him the best. I just can't stay with him and continue the affair. I'm very selfish that way. If I were you and it bothers you to hear about Ms Nicole then I'd tell him that I can do without the extra info.


Wish you all the best!

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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