question for married moms in an A . . .
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question for married moms in an A . . .
| Tue, 12-30-2008 - 7:43am |
This is my question:
If you knew your SO was staying in your marriage because you have children, but was actually in love with another person, would you rather be divorced so that you could find someone who loves you that passionately as well?
I've been married 13 yrs. We have three kids. My H is a good provider, a great Dad, trusting - we make fantastic parenting partners and roommates - but 2 months ago I fell in love with another man, who is also married, although his kids are grown.
My AP

Hi Songs,
My MM and I have been together for going on 9 years. When we started our A, my youngest was 3, his youngest was 22.
From the beginning, he has always said that they stayed together as long as they had because neither of them wanted to raise the kids alone, and, now that the kids are grown, there are grandkids they both adore, and, being married this long is habit.
I had the young kids, and was just afraid to try to do it alone. My H was sort of abusive, he could be great, he could be awful, but, between not being able to afford divorce, I didn't think I could raise them alone, so I stayed M in an absolutely miserable relationship, but MM brought me everything that was missing in my life.
Now, all these years later, my H passed away last February, leaving me to raise the kids alone anyway. We are actually doing much better financially with him gone, and, without his abusiveness, we are growing, developing, and turning in to the Goddesses we are. My girls are still young, but, they now have a chance at a much better life.
MM is very active with the girls, he is almost a co-parent, in the sense that he has btdt and can give me insight, and, he is there for the girls as a stable, loving male, something that H never was really capable of.
Now, I am single, and MM is still M. He still has no immediate plans of leaving his W, but mostly now because she has had some mental/emotional problems and couldn't make it on her own. But, one day, we will be together. As it is now, we are seen in public all the time, there is no longer any secrets, we shop together, we dine together. One day my older dd and I met him for lunch, and his niece was sitting at the table next to us, oops.
I am totally digressing, aren't I?
Anyway, I did stay married because of the kids, and he is staying M because of commitments and stuff. We are happy, he is my best friend, I can't imagine life without him, and, maybe someday we will be living together, maybe.
Sorry I get so wordy, holy cow.
mom
Well I'm in another A with a SM...again.
What does your AP say when you tell him that you're leaving your H for him?
I don't think that the fact that he kissed a girl alone makes him a player. I mean it was one girl right? What do you expect he is dealing w/ having a half a girlfriend. You know there has to be times when he wants you to be there, but you can't because you're committed to someone else. How can you expect him to be monogamous when you're not?
I went through the same exact thing w/ my MM. I am S, and he is M. Now he has a hard time finding time for me sometimes, so in all fairness how can he expect me to just sit around and wait for him to be able to pencil me into his busy schedule? For women like me, I miss the emotional aspect of being w/ someone who is committed to only me. For men, I'm sure that he has at one time or another felt neglected because he had a need, but you couldn't take care of it, because you were home w/ the H.
Sometimes I think that AP's that are M don't realize how difficult it can be for us AP's that are S. We have a lot more free time spent alone thinking about you, and wondering what you're doing, where you're at, are you thinking about us? I mean it really is difficult. When I was w/ xAP the first time I was M, and it was much easier to be w/ AP. Even though I was SO unhappy w/ my H he still took up a lot of my time, and we spent more time together as a family, so by the time both of us could get our schedules to coincide we were more than ready to see each other.
I'm going to throw this out there and then I'll leave you alone. I really think that you should take a long in depth look at your M, and your H before you consider leaving him and dissolving your marriage. I NEVER recommend that someone leave the SO for an AP. There are just too many things that can go wrong, and you're left w/ a M that has been ripped apart, and perhaps children that have been traumatized.
I hope that you'll be able to figure out just what is best for and your circumstances. Good luck.
Justice