Question for the married people

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Question for the married people
4
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 4:54pm

I'm 43 and single. Never married. I'm attractive, realitively intelligent, have a good career. I fell in love when I was 25 and it doidn't work. Have been in and out of relationships since that time (some LT 6 + years). and fell again earlier this year with my MM. I ahve a number of friends that have been married a number of times during my adult life.

 

Is it just me that it takes 20 some years inbetween love? or do people get married for different reasons than just that overwhelming love feeling? Even my MM is on his second marriage. He professess his love but makes no move to be wth me. I am trying to understand. Any advoce would be helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 5:04pm

I am not currently married but have been married & divorced twice (your topic was the headliner so just clicked on it).  I don't think you can generalize at all.  People get married for various reasons--for some it's "true love," others might get married because it's the thing to do, financial reason, because they want to have kids, etc.  I also think that you can't really think about why your MM doesn't want to be with you in the same way as if you met a single guy who wasn't making a move--for a married guy (or woman) having an affair, there are a lot more things to think about--how is the spouse going to take the divorce, how much money will they lose, what about the kids?  Then they have to think of going through all that stuff and how people are probably going to judge them & then what if the relationship w/ the AP doesn't work out after all that?  For a single person, it's like "well if this doesn't work out, then it will be sad, but I'll go on back to my previous life." 

I also don't think it says anything about you (although it may) that it took you so long to find someone.  I've really come to the opinion that a lot of meeting someone is just luck & being in the right place at the right time.  Like some people will go onto OLD and have a relationship with the first person they talk to while others will be on there for years and never meet anyone.  I assume that if you had other long term relationships that you wouldn't have stayed with those guys for so long if you didn't love them in some way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 5:27pm

Thank you Music Lover. Your post is very logical (which I am not at this moment). I did "love" the people I was with to some degree, I think it was more like they were part of my life. I do wish i ended the relationships a lot sooner than I did, I seem to get stuck into medicore relationships for longer periods of time than they are beneficial to my life. Timing may be my problem. I just don't know

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 8:41pm

Interesting question, and has me thinking. Currently going through a divorce, and would marry AP if he asked, but scared about my feelings sometimes b/c it was never 'true love' with my STBX. We were high school sweethearts, I tried to break off the engagment, etc. etc. but went ahead b/c it seemed like the 'right' thing to do, and my parents don't have a good relationship, so I have no good models for 'true love.' For me, I got married for the wrong  reasons, and having poor role models plus an abusive ex, sometimes I feel mixed up about what 'true love' should feel like, if that makes sense. If I don't end up with AP, I have a feeling it will be a long time before I end up with someone, b/c I am very picky, and now so scared of being mistreated again and so tired from all the crap from my ex that I just feel tired and beat down. I agree with musiclover, it is timing that depends on who your meet and your emotional state, how ready you are to let someone into your heart, etc. etc. I don't know if this helps with your question, but you're not the only one that struggles with the issues you mentioned!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 9:31pm

Thank you Collect-Call. Your post helps a lot. I guess a part of me assumed that some people do get married to be married rather than waiting for that "true love". I don't know what true love is anymore. Maybe its better to choose marriage than love? I don't know