question for OW here/general whining

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
question for OW here/general whining
36
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:38am
I'm trying very hard to sort things out. In trying to do things for others and keep a little bit of something for myself, I'm making a mess.

I've moved out a week and a half ago. At the house, I have lots of musical instruments, etc. that I didn't move to my apartment because I don't think the 75 year old lady below me wants me to "rock and roll all night." I left my PCs, my TV, my stereo... pretty much everything. It was a civil exit from the W and I didn't want to make it about "how much stuff I can pack."

Months ago I had planned some friends coming to the house this weekend to play music so I'm trying to get things arranged for that. I've been over to the house two evenings this week for a few hours, but still was at the OW's by 10pm to slip into bed beside her. She's not really at all happy that I'm back at the house for anything.

I try to figure out how much to share with her. I want to try to quell her fears about a reconciliation with the W (which ain't happening) but it doesn't seem me telling her helps much. I'm really tired of the whole thing, and sometimes I feel like if I just gave her more information about how the process is going with the W that she'll be ok and get over it some.

I have given up a lot of "things" that I worked hard to get, assuming I'll get some of them later but with no real guarantee. I miss my dog, my home, and pretty much everything. My W doesn't want to tell anyone about my moving out either until she feels strong enough to face questions, so I have one friend who knows... and he isn't really being a very good friend, to be honest.

I'm fairly broke at this point trying to pay for two apartments, living expenses, and such and my W is hanging our big tax return out there like some heroine-laced carrot: one bite and I'll be hooked again. "You know, maybe a week in Europe would give us a chance to reconnect." Not likely. But going from my great house with lots of comforts and things to my apartment with a bed, one lamp, and a folding chair... actually, it might stink if I were ever really there.

In the mean time, the OW doesn't seem to always be dialed in to my financial situation. I've run up several thousand on my cards this year trying to get her here and settled, and while I'm not trying to use that as leverage to get some understanding... um... well, I guess I'd like to use that as leverage to get some understanding, to be perfectly honest.

My R with the OW is based so, so much on being honest. We've shared things neither of us shared with anyone else, including lots we didn't share with the people we married. Now, already I start to feel like I'm not being entirely honest because I'm not telling her that spending $20 to buy a tanning package while I pay the $17 for munchkin's school pictures is a little frustrating. I get that she is excited about having some help, a job and not being dirt poor for the first time in years, but just that little thing made me feel like a fool. She is talking about a second cat and "would I mind" and maybe it would be fun to raise Pomeranians at some point... while I'm mumbling quietly about missing my dog but how with three places I'm split between I can't do that to my wonderful pet.

You know, I can't even use the word "home" any more without one of these two women making a face. Truth is, I don't even know which place is home right now.

anyway, last night when OW was snippy with me for being at the house for two hours she didn't know that it was this big, emotionally crunching event -- my W has finally went to therapy and the therapist the last two times has told her *exactly* what I've been saying for two years, so now she wants to cry on me about being sorry.

So here's the question part for those of you still reading... Other Women, what part of this would you want to hear? What part is important to share? Keep it to myself, except "I love you, sweetie" ? I just don't know, it's all so confusing sometimes. I guess I feel like the OW can't assign any "relationship value" to actions she doesn't know about, and at some point I selfishly need some of those points. I feel like I'm already sort of being taken for granted a little, and I could stay where I'm at and get that sensation...

Women, your thoughts and observations are welcome.

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:57am
Hi raining!!! Well, on the one hand, you could be totally open and honest about your conversation with W. This would at least let her in on what's going on there. But, you risk opening the proverbial can of worms, because if it was me hearing that, I'd probably be upset and feel insecure.

As far as the $$$ situation, does OW have a job? It sounds like you are worried that she may try to leech off of you financially? If so, is there any way that you can talk to her about keeping finances completely seperate for now? Since you just moved out, you need to get on your feet and take care of your own business, not more cats or pomeranian breeding. OW should understand and respect that, especially since this was such a hard move for you.

I guess at this point maybe you should filter the info that you pass on to OW to see how things go with the two of you and if you have any more similar conversations with W. If the situation looks like it's changing, then you may have to let OW in on what is going on with W.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:03am
oh boy! You are going thru a lot Rain. Can you talk to the OW about your money concerns? I mean, if you are having troubles now, think of later when you are married. Unless you tell her, she is not going to know what is on your mind about financial matters - what is doable now and what can come later.

Abiut you going back home to collect stuff, tell her you are still officially married to your wife and you need things to get by in your life that are in your former home. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:13am
Hi Rain,

If it was me, I'd want to hear it all! Of course, I'd probably want some reassurance as well, but I think since you are basing your new R on total honesty, then that's what it should be.

You are so busy trying to give to others what you think they need, that you are not giving them a chance to offer their support to you emotionally.

OW must realize how difficult this situation is for you. She must feel it, even if you are not telling her. I think she would be grateful if you would share what you are going through, and then because you trust her enough with the information, it will make her feel more an important part of your life - especially if you ask for her opinions or suggestions.

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:22am


((((RAIN))))

Whew, what a lot to be trying to handle at the same time!

I read your post twice, just to be sure I wasn't missing something. You're out of the house, although you go back to get things. You're being nice and listening to your wife, although you aren't going back. Right, so far?

I guess my advice to you would be to start as you mean to continue. Lack of communication was a problem in your marriage. You value the honesty you've found with OW. Its important to build upon that honesty.

This is a time where she can begin giving back to you. She may not realize what is happening, because you're being so protective. That's sweet, but the truth is that she needs to know what is going on in your life. Finances are tight. She should understand that. Stress is high. She can help that. But if you keep playing the big, strong, silent type, she won't know which way to jump. And _that_ feeds on her own insecurities.

Pre-marital counseling addresses some of these issues. Without calling it _that_, it might be of some benefit to you and the OW to spend some time setting up your new relationship. And of course, you still need to spend some time on yourself. You can't just keep all of this inside you.

We're here and if you'd like to talk, you know my email. Take care and keep us posted.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:30am
For what it is worth... I agree with Red. Be honest with OW, ESPECIALLY about the financial stuff. Continue to reassure her regarding your relationship with your W. If OW truly loves you then she WILL understand. And if she doesn't understand then she'll let you know and give you the chance to continue to talk about it.

Good luck!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:05pm
Rain - 16 years ago I was your OM, so with both experience and hindsight I say this: tell her what you're thinking, feeling and going through. My H moved from his home with W in with me. I always thought that he should have taken time to himself - I wasn't going anywhere. He paid a lot of my bills - I was fresh out of college and had no clue about handling money. I really wish that instead, he'd helped me learn how to be better with money - to this day, that's the one thing that we struggle with. She needs to be responsible for herself and bring that to the relationship in order for you to build on a strong foundation. I realize that you're tired and stressed, but you're starting to feel resentment that could grow into something bigger.

If she truly loves you, in spite of some initial hurt feelings, she'll understand your need to find your way and gather some focus. Keep reassuring her that you're making changes for both of you, but it's a process - you have to be civil with your STBXW but that's not a threat to her.

And, most of all - GO GET THAT DOG!!! They travel well and can't be beat for making you feel better!! :)

IMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:07pm
You need to be 100% honest with her about the $$ situation. I work in the $ industry, and boy, people who are not up front are the ones who never get out of trouble.

My MM has started to really open himself up about his $ situations to me--basically how he has a lot coming in, but a lot going out. We've been discussing taxes, credit scores,how he prioritizes $, how much they spend on Xmas, etc. quite a lot lately, and I have the feeling that he's feeling me out on how I approach money. We're nowhere near moving in together, but I appreciate the fact that he's sharing these things with me. Money is one of the biggest relationship killers, so you have to be honest. When MM tells me about certain $ issues, I really am glad he's doing that because it makes me think that he's setting the ground rules, or at least assumptions, about $ if we ever do get together with each other.

But that's also just me. Each woman approaches money very differently. Regardless, honesty is the key. Ground rules must be set.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:23pm
That's a hard one, Rain. To some extent, it is the situation and only time is going to make it better. Regardless of the fact that this was your choice, one you went into with open eyes and one you're not regretting, you will still feel some grief. You see that with how you're missing your wonderful dog and your comfortable life. That's to be expected and you need to acknowledge it, accept it, and don't kick yourself for days when you're down for seemingly 'no reason'.

Your OW seems a touch ungrateful, but probably it's more like you said...so glad to have help finally that she's wrapped up in that right now and unable to see your side of it. I have to walk a fine line with my SO, too. He is extremely helpful, financially. Far more than he should be, probably. And I try to realize that and not go crazy. The tanning bed caught my attention. I'd LOVE to visit the tanning beds, but as long as he's poor but still helping me out, I feel like I can't. I did, however, get a tattoo two weeks ago, and I think he thought that was fiscally frivolous, even though the design is deep in symbology and meaning and very important to me. I think he would have liked for me to wait until fall or sometime when he's not doing so much for me, still.

I think you need to be honest, but don't nag. For instance, don't hide your financial situation (I know, for instance, that SO had a huge unexpected tax bill and he's having to go on a payment plan), because you're right, how can she know if she's being reasonable if she doesn't understand the financial pressure you're under? But don't nag her about the pictures, or anything she directly asks you for. On the other hand, if you really can't afford something, don't get it for her 'just because' if she's not asked for it. SO does that to me sometimes, he'll get me something that he thinks I need and usually he's right and I appreciate his thoughtfulness. Other times, it's just him being extravagant, and I probably wouldn't have spent money on it myself, so I can't really feel badly for him if it put him in a pinch because I didn't want it or ask for it. Ultimately, while I tell him to not worry so much about buying me things (and I *am* grateful) I do think that he's a big boy and if he wants to do that with his money, it's not for me to say. Same with you. Unless everything you've done for her has been at her request, I'd say stop indulging her needlessly right now so you can better afford to help her when she asks you to.

And don't forget, you're now with OW in a 'real' relationship scenario now. It's going to take time and effort to make it work. And you may find out that with the day to day drudgery of bills and kids and exspouses, it's not exciting anymore but rather very ordinary. It's up to you guys as to whether that's a bad thing or not. An A can be very powerful and exciting but that may not withstand the everyday.

Did any of this make sense??

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:50pm
Hi rain! I am currently the OW in my relationship. I, too, think you should be honest with your OW about your financial situation. She may not realize that things may be tight for a while. If she loves you, and not what you can provide for her, she should understand. As for the going back and forth situation, I can understand a little why your OW is upset. Yes, you have made a big decision in moving out. But, you are still going back on a regular basis. Is that selfish of your OW, yes. But, she probably thought when the break came, it would be just that, a break. I know that I wouldn't want my MM going back and forth to his wifes house. I understand that you need to take time for yourself. However, be honest with you OW about what you are feeling and your actions. I admire you for your devotion to her. You are a great man!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:52pm
Dear Rain... what a question you ask of a woman. As I read and reread your post, I sat here with burning face thinking of the conversations I've had with MM. I'm going to be more honest with you than I have been (at times) with him -- how's that for pressure? He sometimes shares details with me, then says "I feel uncomfortable telling you this..." Generally he is telling me things that he just needs to get off his mind, and the devilish details are an important part of the story. I always tell him he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable, I want to share everything with him. Here is the uncomfortably honest part. I long to hear these things because I'm always gauging how I stack up against her. Do I treat him better, does he need me more, does he feel more comfortable with me? Who does he spend more time with? I hate this in myself, but like an addict I'm powerless to resist the temptation. The truth is, I then digest and redigest these facts until I drive myself crazy with the comparisons. So while I know this doesn't answer your question, perhaps it will help you decide which details to share. I know you're going through a horrible adjustment right now. Seems you've traded one hole for another. But I really believe that when you start rebuilding your nest you'll begin to get a better sense of home. If I did have one piece of advice it would be to tell you to really decide where home is (your apartment, with other woman?) then DO make it that. Get your musical equipment (I'd be lost without mine -- I'd rather have my Fender Twin than a coffee table any day). Claim what's yours, even though you're trying to be ultra sensitive to W. You need to grab a little something for yourself too. You are deserving. Sending a huge ((((((Rain)))))) hug your way.

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