question for OW here/general whining
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| Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:38am |
I've moved out a week and a half ago. At the house, I have lots of musical instruments, etc. that I didn't move to my apartment because I don't think the 75 year old lady below me wants me to "rock and roll all night." I left my PCs, my TV, my stereo... pretty much everything. It was a civil exit from the W and I didn't want to make it about "how much stuff I can pack."
Months ago I had planned some friends coming to the house this weekend to play music so I'm trying to get things arranged for that. I've been over to the house two evenings this week for a few hours, but still was at the OW's by 10pm to slip into bed beside her. She's not really at all happy that I'm back at the house for anything.
I try to figure out how much to share with her. I want to try to quell her fears about a reconciliation with the W (which ain't happening) but it doesn't seem me telling her helps much. I'm really tired of the whole thing, and sometimes I feel like if I just gave her more information about how the process is going with the W that she'll be ok and get over it some.
I have given up a lot of "things" that I worked hard to get, assuming I'll get some of them later but with no real guarantee. I miss my dog, my home, and pretty much everything. My W doesn't want to tell anyone about my moving out either until she feels strong enough to face questions, so I have one friend who knows... and he isn't really being a very good friend, to be honest.
I'm fairly broke at this point trying to pay for two apartments, living expenses, and such and my W is hanging our big tax return out there like some heroine-laced carrot: one bite and I'll be hooked again. "You know, maybe a week in Europe would give us a chance to reconnect." Not likely. But going from my great house with lots of comforts and things to my apartment with a bed, one lamp, and a folding chair... actually, it might stink if I were ever really there.
In the mean time, the OW doesn't seem to always be dialed in to my financial situation. I've run up several thousand on my cards this year trying to get her here and settled, and while I'm not trying to use that as leverage to get some understanding... um... well, I guess I'd like to use that as leverage to get some understanding, to be perfectly honest.
My R with the OW is based so, so much on being honest. We've shared things neither of us shared with anyone else, including lots we didn't share with the people we married. Now, already I start to feel like I'm not being entirely honest because I'm not telling her that spending $20 to buy a tanning package while I pay the $17 for munchkin's school pictures is a little frustrating. I get that she is excited about having some help, a job and not being dirt poor for the first time in years, but just that little thing made me feel like a fool. She is talking about a second cat and "would I mind" and maybe it would be fun to raise Pomeranians at some point... while I'm mumbling quietly about missing my dog but how with three places I'm split between I can't do that to my wonderful pet.
You know, I can't even use the word "home" any more without one of these two women making a face. Truth is, I don't even know which place is home right now.
anyway, last night when OW was snippy with me for being at the house for two hours she didn't know that it was this big, emotionally crunching event -- my W has finally went to therapy and the therapist the last two times has told her *exactly* what I've been saying for two years, so now she wants to cry on me about being sorry.
So here's the question part for those of you still reading... Other Women, what part of this would you want to hear? What part is important to share? Keep it to myself, except "I love you, sweetie" ? I just don't know, it's all so confusing sometimes. I guess I feel like the OW can't assign any "relationship value" to actions she doesn't know about, and at some point I selfishly need some of those points. I feel like I'm already sort of being taken for granted a little, and I could stay where I'm at and get that sensation...
Women, your thoughts and observations are welcome.
rain

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Hang in there and know we are supportive!
Billie
yes OW is insecure and clingy and you need to reassure her, but why does it have to be all the damn time. she must know how hard this was and is for you, to leave the M and your comfortable life and start over, all the while helping to support her and her child financially, emotionally and physically. i too feel OW is a tad ungrateful and demanding, but she is the woman you love. so you have to be as honest with her as you can about everything, the time you spend at the marital home, needing to get some of your belongings, your dog, all the financial pressures.
and then you have to do some things to make yourself happy. go get the dog and your favorite instruments and some furnishings for the apartment. even if you have to play your instruments in a garage or at a friend's house, you will feel better having them with you. get all your clothes and whatever other things you need and really want from the house -- that recliner, etc. make your apartment your home, even if you intend to move in with OW in the future. you need a place to land, to be yours.
you've given your W enough time to get over and on with the separation. you've given OW enough of everything else to make her secure in the knowledge that you are there for her and her child. now it needs to be about you and your needs. you can only hold back your feelings, thoughts, words and actions for so long and then everything, and i do mean everything, comes pouring out. at the most inappropriate moments too!
rain, it all comes down to the fact that if you're not happy, no one else in your life will be happy either. so take a bit of time and figure out what you need to get through today and then do it. whatever it is!!
good luck honey.
I got involved in an affair w/a MM to escape reality, have fun and enjoy another man's company without all the money & family issues. I have no intentions of leaving my H for OM beacuse I know it would be the same sh*t, different face.
I think you are getting a serious dose of reality with your OW. It is not going to be easy. The only advice I can give you is live with her at least one year before making any kind of more serious (marriage) commitment.
Good Luck
HFL
(Saturday just gets the nod cuz we're gonna talk about guitars in a second)
;)
Thank you, I really found these replies to be so helpful. Everyone had something that was contributed, and everyone seemed to have at least one unique point to make. I really do appreciate these. I was very moved by how totally open and honest you all were about your own fears and worries; it means a lot that you shared these with me.
It's been a weird day. At lunch, I very nearly got my Zen self into a fist fight with some lunatic who charged me at the gas pump (a very long story made short - no fight, but I forgot I had a "go blind" temper; scary, I forgot I had that packed in here. Back under the bed it goes...)
For whatever reason, the adrenaline polarized my emotions very quickly.From there I went and picked up the OW for lunch. We got food, went to her place and I just told her... I love her and I'm very happy with my decision to move out and start taking more seriously the future of her and I. No doubts, no worries, just some remaining issues to be worked out in terms of residences, lifestyle, her exposure to my real life, etc.
She confessed to being jealous of the W still (the W is really pretty, great job, car, house, etc.) and that when I went to the house for something she was afraid each time that I'd change my mind. I assured her I had no intention of that, and reminded her that while we weren't at the destination yet, we were making progress. She agreed, and I told her how much it meant to me that she'd stuck it out so long, and that I really thought the hardest part (for her) is coming to an end.
It went very well, I think she felt better. We ended up laughing and being silly all the way back to drop her off, and we promised not to hold in our fears and worries now... we made it this far being "mercifully" honest (meaning almost completely honest, but I don't tell her if the jeans make her butt look big) and there's no reason to abandon that path now.
We haven't talked about money yet, and I think after looking at all of this it can wait. I don't think it will be a problem, she's usually very good with money, I just really think it's the newness of having $20 in her pocket *and* food in the cabinet; she's been in a bad way for a long time, in truth she doesn't spoil herself or her kid at all, and this little extravegance is very minor. Her job is going well, they all love her, so she's feeling good and wants to make herself up a little more. Hey, what girl (or boy in touch with his girl side) doesn't want that?
Everyone is right, we need to have a more thorough talk soon about just where money is going. I have an expensive car, a good job and make decent money, but we can't get out of hand. We've had money talks before, and we are usually pretty close in theory, if anything the truth is that she might be better than me at keeping under control.
So things seem to be settling down now. Thanks again to everyone. You've really been good friends today.
rain
PS - Saturdaysister....
Gretsch Tennessean through my Matchless Chieftain. Yummy. Though the Twin definitely beats a coffee table...
life
PS -- I'm glad things are better for you and OW. Nest building is a slow but rewarding process.
Boy, I thought I had problems, nothing compared to your situation.
I cannot believe you are trying to help me and all the
other women.
Do you know which women you really love and want to be with?
Sounds like you are concerned with both women, and are emotionally
torn between both situations. Finances are indeed a big
problem. Does the OW work and helping you also, like you have
helped her? It is natural to miss your home, it is something you
and your W have worked so hard for thru the years. How many
years have you been married, and do you have children
or just the doggy.
You need to make a decision, the OW or the W. I believe when you
do then can you only be at peace with yourself. 2 W can be the
death of you emotionally. You sound like a wonderful, caring
guy and I wish you the best. Let me know re the decisions you
are making, maybe we can help each other in the future.
Thanks Again,
Bunny
:)
Circe
I don't really think of myself as having problems. I guess I used to, but in the last two years especially I've seen and met people with real problems so I try not to give my mole hills dramatic lighting and big fanfare; I just kind of vent here sometimes because parts of this situation are challenging for me and I don't seem to have all the answers.
Which woman do I want to be with? Well, the distance of just eleven days out of the house has made that pretty clear to me.
Though I still work with my W and see her in the halls briefly every day, we are getting along okay. I haven't cut off contact, I've been to lunch with her, and I've consistently been clear as is merciful and prudent that I don't plan on moving back in; I've told her if we want to have any R in the future, it will be our friendship that we shared for two years before dating. Maybe it will work, maybe not; I'm willing to do the work required to change it to get there. But eleven days away has given me perspective, and while I miss her companionship a little and the fact that we've good friends and co-managers, I don't miss the strain of our M.
On the other hand, the more time I spend the OW the more I believe in us. She has some healing to do and trust to build because I didn't leave the house as quickly as I'd expected; in fact, about four months past when I thought I would. But as with the other R, I am willing to do the work and put in the time to try to rebuild that initial spectacular R we shared before she was so very hurt by my delays. Even now she fights off jealousy and fear over the fact that I got my own place instead of moving in with her. I'll do what I can and see if it's enough; I'm done overextending my emotions, but I'll go until it hurts.
You're right, I am concerned with both of them. They are both good people, though my W covers that in a veneer of cold-blooded, efficient professionalism with the occasional venomous bite. I've spent ten years with her, I can't very well turn off caring about her. I want her to be happy, but she has to realize it's likely not going to be with me -- I was already a long way down the path from her when I met the OW, so now it would be even harder to go back.
Thanks again for everyone's help and feedback. You all wouldn't believe how much you've helped keep me sane, whether it's sharing with me or allowing me to offer my thoughts to you (thereby forcing me to examine my own beliefs and values.)
rain
Sometimes I wonder both the women might not just be right for you or may not encompass most of what you are looking OR it might just be that I am a BIG skeptic. You haven’t tried men…have ya? :-P (a big tongue sticking out)
Best of luck in whatever path you pursue.
PG
PS. What’s your OW's zodiac sign?
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