question for OW here/general whining

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
question for OW here/general whining
36
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:38am
I'm trying very hard to sort things out. In trying to do things for others and keep a little bit of something for myself, I'm making a mess.

I've moved out a week and a half ago. At the house, I have lots of musical instruments, etc. that I didn't move to my apartment because I don't think the 75 year old lady below me wants me to "rock and roll all night." I left my PCs, my TV, my stereo... pretty much everything. It was a civil exit from the W and I didn't want to make it about "how much stuff I can pack."

Months ago I had planned some friends coming to the house this weekend to play music so I'm trying to get things arranged for that. I've been over to the house two evenings this week for a few hours, but still was at the OW's by 10pm to slip into bed beside her. She's not really at all happy that I'm back at the house for anything.

I try to figure out how much to share with her. I want to try to quell her fears about a reconciliation with the W (which ain't happening) but it doesn't seem me telling her helps much. I'm really tired of the whole thing, and sometimes I feel like if I just gave her more information about how the process is going with the W that she'll be ok and get over it some.

I have given up a lot of "things" that I worked hard to get, assuming I'll get some of them later but with no real guarantee. I miss my dog, my home, and pretty much everything. My W doesn't want to tell anyone about my moving out either until she feels strong enough to face questions, so I have one friend who knows... and he isn't really being a very good friend, to be honest.

I'm fairly broke at this point trying to pay for two apartments, living expenses, and such and my W is hanging our big tax return out there like some heroine-laced carrot: one bite and I'll be hooked again. "You know, maybe a week in Europe would give us a chance to reconnect." Not likely. But going from my great house with lots of comforts and things to my apartment with a bed, one lamp, and a folding chair... actually, it might stink if I were ever really there.

In the mean time, the OW doesn't seem to always be dialed in to my financial situation. I've run up several thousand on my cards this year trying to get her here and settled, and while I'm not trying to use that as leverage to get some understanding... um... well, I guess I'd like to use that as leverage to get some understanding, to be perfectly honest.

My R with the OW is based so, so much on being honest. We've shared things neither of us shared with anyone else, including lots we didn't share with the people we married. Now, already I start to feel like I'm not being entirely honest because I'm not telling her that spending $20 to buy a tanning package while I pay the $17 for munchkin's school pictures is a little frustrating. I get that she is excited about having some help, a job and not being dirt poor for the first time in years, but just that little thing made me feel like a fool. She is talking about a second cat and "would I mind" and maybe it would be fun to raise Pomeranians at some point... while I'm mumbling quietly about missing my dog but how with three places I'm split between I can't do that to my wonderful pet.

You know, I can't even use the word "home" any more without one of these two women making a face. Truth is, I don't even know which place is home right now.

anyway, last night when OW was snippy with me for being at the house for two hours she didn't know that it was this big, emotionally crunching event -- my W has finally went to therapy and the therapist the last two times has told her *exactly* what I've been saying for two years, so now she wants to cry on me about being sorry.

So here's the question part for those of you still reading... Other Women, what part of this would you want to hear? What part is important to share? Keep it to myself, except "I love you, sweetie" ? I just don't know, it's all so confusing sometimes. I guess I feel like the OW can't assign any "relationship value" to actions she doesn't know about, and at some point I selfishly need some of those points. I feel like I'm already sort of being taken for granted a little, and I could stay where I'm at and get that sensation...

Women, your thoughts and observations are welcome.

rain

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:52pm
omaha,

thanks again, my friend.

Omaha... that's about a seven hour drive for me. Maybe after this is all over and we're with our respective women, we'll drive over and celebrate as a group...

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:10pm
oh no you don't -- we'll find a central point and all meet there because i know all of us want to meet both you and boston. i know i do!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:35pm
well, thanks for the love... ;)

When the day comes I'm no longer hiding out here in my anonymous form and my life is on track and out of dangerous waters, I'll post my web site so interested parties can visit and download some of my music if they choose to.

To be honest, I do find myself wondering a little what people look like here... but at the same time, I love that I don't know. Gee, maybe we should have a message board convention. Imagine... a room full of people already having As... FWB, indeed. LOL.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:37pm
Rain,

That is a great idea. I'm not sure which direction you live from me, but I travel East 5 hours to get to IS so it may not be as far as you think. I'd certainly like to buy you a drink once we get through all of this crap. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:40pm
yeah, that would be a hoot, all of us in one room. thinking.... oh there's so and so and she's doing such and such, there's that wild one or so that's the one who's using the trapeze!! i'd love it though. i'll admit that i wonder what everyone looks like, but you know, the imagination is richer than reality!

see ya!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:14am
Thanks Boston:

We all week last week without one e-mail from him (out of town)

On Friday after I e-mailed you I got one. He missed me.

I did send him one this morning.....a little steamy

but just the right amount of steam..that was OK, wasn't

it?

Thanks for your support........i really think I may be

in love with this MM. I don't want to be..but I do have

such feeling for him, night and day..

Thanks,

Bunny

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