question for phillygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
question for phillygirl
7
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:44pm
Hey PG,

I was thinking the other day about your notes to me from time to time and I realized I don't know why you're here.

Have I just grossly neglected or missed your story somewhere along the way, or am I just forgetting? Mind sharing your situation? I'm just sort of curious this morning...


rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:19pm
Hey Rain,

Thanks for inquiring about me. I have shared my story in bits or pieces here some where but I am kind of lazy to dig it up so I will give it to you again in a nutshell. Daughter of a General, thus the stubborn streak :), got engaged to hubby at 19, he 21 then, got married few years years later. Was born and bred abroad. Marriage was an arranged one. Although didn't know him before hand but after the engagement zeroed out all attractions to everybody else and fell in love with him. H did too. Lets just say due to some of his immature behavior, my school girl crush over him was over before we were married. After marriage, we came to the great ole USA for higher studies. While I shone in whatever I had to do, he didn't. Those years of being the anchor of the family while he matured (in studies, job, making efforts to make family a priority, making it easy to trust him) took its toll on my passion for him. The attractions for other men were back. My own personality has to play a part in this too. I have been a difficult child while growing up with very difficult parents. Tried to end my life three different times while being a teenager (btw two of those methods were hilarious now that I think of it). Anyway, fast forward. Life continues. Crushes on other men continue. And lets just say hubby not standing up on his two feet and not giving me and kids enough attention had a major role in that. Comes a serious attraction to my boss which was mutually felt. Lasted for 2 years. Leave the job, move to a different state. Look for a job again, spend a lot of time on internet, go to chat rooms, meet MM...have never met him in person. We just acquire what you call the "fatal attraction" type of feeling. It was just a very intense feeling of passion that I have never felt for anybody else. MM is a skeptic (we are both Geminis so are like peas in the pod) and so am I. We played games, would go into NC off and on. I am the type of person who always gives benefit of doubt to everybody and in my whole life have never burnt a bridge with anybody. I am so adept to analyze situation from all angles that I could never describe anybody a perfect evil and thus hate them unless it's the Israeli Sharon :) I would always have reasons for why somebody behaves a certain way and thus know that my husband's father having a life long affair and marrying again has a big effect on H's earlier immaturities. Thus I can never hate H or blame him for everything and thus leave him.

Anyway, there is a void in me that has not been filled and I just want to be made an honest woman who is true to only one man and who never gets attracted to any body else. I just don't know if it's possible. Just to let you know that I have never been physical with anybody. That's a line that I will never cross. I have basically disclosed all my attractions to other men to H but this recent one shook him since I said I had fallen in love with MM. I love H a lot but its hard for me to feel that passion for him. Now H is a totally different man than a decade ago. He is responsible, mature, has a wonderful career but I just miss the sparks. We are best friends who respect each other a lot and enjoy each other's company a lot but I want to feel the week in the knees thing for him. I don't know if what happened earlier between us that spoiled my passion for him or if it is something in me or if this is a routine thing after 12 years of marriage. H says he loves me, is in love with me, finds me beautiful, so if I could just find that passion for him, I guess we could be ok. Not having passion is not meaning we don't have a sex life..we have an exceptionally nice sex life but I want to feel butter flies, weak in the groin kind of feeling that I don't get with him. Sometimes I think I am just wayyyyy too romantic to be considered normal. Sometimes I think I have too much of a strong personality and need a very strong personality guy to keep me in control :)

I am letting fate take its course. Its again NC with MM and H is putting serious efforts into rebuilding. I sometimes think I have a strong tendency to be a bigamist. I could love two different men and could enjoy sex with them but when I think of it really hard, I have the capacity to be "in love" with only one.

Hope that gives you a pretty good picture.

PG

Edited for typo


Edited 4/29/2004 7:22 pm ET ET by phillygirl69

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:32pm
Sheesh... you are so much like one of my Gemini friends (a brilliant woman 20 years my senior) it was almost like reading her words. To the point and candid. It must be brutal for you to try to read my long-winded prosaic posts. LOL.

I'm glad you shared, thanks. Yes, it paints a pretty good picture of things, I think.

Things I totally understand:

* loving multiple people, having sex with them, but really only being in love with one

* ability to analyze people and find a spark of goodness (again, except for Sharon... our topic for another board, no doubt.)

* that burning drive for passion and fatal attraction type people

* and that too much romance to be normal thing

Thanks again, it was nice to find out more about you.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:59am
"To the point and candid. It must be brutal for you to try to read my long-winded prosaic posts. LOL."

Hey, you are the officially acclaimed writer of the affair site so I cant take much credit :) Anyway, you are the artist, I am the engineer hence the difference.

Sometimes I wonder if the proverb 'once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to me too although I haven't really technically cheated but this endless cycle of attractions outside marriage continues. Maybe that one person that would end this all for me doesn't exist. Maybe I just need to ride out this surge of hormones "safely" until I am old and withered. Men are just sooo delicious to resist.

Did that Gemini woman have a successful marriage?

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:21am
I do remember your story PG, but it was nice to read this all the same. You and I are often in conflict so it is easy to forget the person behind the argument. But when I read your story, I am reminded that even though you and I don't relate well at all, I definitely can empathize with you. Throughout my M, I was attracted to other people and sought out contact with others because I didn't feel any kind of spark with my W. Well, at least I thought it was a spark I was seeking. I convinced myself that monogamy just wasn't something I was suited for. I convinced myself that love and sex were two separate things. But ultimately, I was kidding myself. The problem was in my R with my W. Rather than admit that, I would seek out other people in purely physical ways. Clearly our two situations were very different in that you sought out emotional attachment and I sought out physical. But I think this is only because you have been more honest with yourself. What I was truly seeking was emotional closeness and a bond that was lacking in my M. I'm not saying that is the case with you, but it does sound like what you are saying in some ways. I hope that you are able to build (or rebuild) that bond. Without that, I'm afraid any R can crumble. I know you have a stubborn streak and that will make sure your M has every opportunity to succeed.

I respect that you never let any of your emotional A's become physical. That shows a lot of strength I wish I had in the past. I do have it now. But for me, it was about a realization in my M. If I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't have stayed in my M much beyond the first year. But I can't make myself regret anything at this point because I love my children too much. If I fail at everything else I ever do, at least I'll know I've succeeded as a father. Again, I know we don't agree about my situation, but I am a very dedicated and active dad.

Anyway, I wanted you to know I'm rooting for you. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:45am
"Hey, you are the officially acclaimed writer of the affair site."

Well, it's very nice that any one person would say so. I must have missed the official notice, but perhaps I will later receive some declaration suitable for framing. LOL.

Artist and engineer... yes, it feels like that. The best possible relationship: we respect one another's work yet do not covet one another's position.

As for once a cheater, always a cheater... I don't know, maybe that applies to both of us. It's just so incredibly easy to keep me faithful, but only one woman my entire life has done it. All of the others seemed to either wither under the intensity of being around me all of the time (me? intense?) or they just didn't focus on our relationship like I wanted to... hence I would add other (usually non-sexual) relationships to fill in the gaps.

I hate breaking up with people -- I'm just not wired to hurt other. Who knows what I missed out on by not being able to just end things when I wasn't happy. It's been like that since I was about 16. Plus, to paraphrase your comments: women are just soooo delicious... the new, flirty little secretary for instance... and the fact that the OW is being a royal pain this week. Hmm. Better stay on my floor today.

As for my Gemini friend having a successful marriage... well, I think she considers the first and third unsuccessful, but the second as ultimately quite successful since they have managed to remain best friends for 20 years, despite their divorce. Oddly enough, her 2nd ex lives with her and her boyfriend right now and apparently the two men have become very good friends, fishing and working in the yard together. Go figure.

As for your H's immaturity... it relates a little to my W's unreadiness to get as serious about the R as I was early on. I find myself going back ten years and seeing signs that I might have taken a little more to heart and how I maybe should have put this R out to pasture a long time ago. But I stuck it out. So did you. Why? Is it safety that we stayed? Is it love? Is it trying to hold to what we said we would (being married) or is it that we are somehow punishing our spouses (and possibly ourselves) by finding some happiness in attentions elsewhere?

Do you ever think that maybe we're just asking for too much? I mean, not to be arrogant or egomaniacal, but are we sometimes wanting people to catch up to us and our needs when in fact we might just be a little ahead of the curve? Does that lead us to just spending our lives unhappy with people because they can't/won't step up?

I really did understand the whole bigamy thing, or maybe polygamy instead. Once in a while I think that would be great: two women so that they could trade off feeding my black hole of need. LOL. Sometimes I think two women could be happy that way because that would give me two outlets for my attention and affection; I seem to simultaneously drain and overload any one...

Just wondering this morning. I'm having a crappy week so most everyone is on the chopping block at this point and I'm trying to figure out why I feel that way.

rain




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 6:12pm
Omaha,

Thanks for your comments. In my case, I don't trust myself completely to say that the void I feel is based fully on my R with H. It could be or it may not be. I know for sure that I and H truly get along very well and really have no conflicts. I also realize that I get bored easily with routines. I have always held jobs where there would be flex times since I hate fixed timings. I could just be a bored person with my marriage. I might just have that man's desire to sow my oats while I am young. It could be that my husband is not strong minded and opinionated as I am and I need an equal to battle with. My husband did have weaknesses in the past but they are done so why can't I expunge his record. I mean he has never cheated on me or anything or fallen in love with somebody else. I and H are best friends and are suited in bed so no conflicts there. Its just a thing in my head that my relationship with him needs to be something from a movie story. I can still get insanely jealous if I imagine H with any other woman so that does make me wonder that I don't want to lose him. I definitely think I have the traits for a person who could have two loves. I won't get bored that way. Oh well, these are my thoughts now. When I am PMSing, I might wanna throw H out the window or something.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 6:17pm
Rain,

I hold a PhD in keeping a Leo purring and happy :) As I said earlier, Leos are easy to please. They just need to be kept “drained”, fed and appreciated…..viola…you have one happy big cat purring.

Why did I stick along? I guess in the early years, I didn’t even think of a thing called divorce. If my husband had weaknesses I just helped him out. I do love him a lot and I may imagine not being married to him but I can’t imagine him being dead. He is my best friend besides my mom. There are some days I will be totally in love with H and wouldn’t think of anybody else. Then there are some days, I want to get out of the marriage and enjoy my life alone without any other man …go gliding…record my album…go date…somedays I want to be with some other guy than H . I am just puzzled at myself. My husband gets amazed too. One hour I will page him and tell him that I love him…the other hour I say I don’t want him. I guess the distance between us affects everything too. He is in another city in a new job. I am stuck here in philly trying to sell my house. There are just so many variables involved that I can’t really say why sometimes I start feeling the void and I need to remove all other variables before I say that yes its my H I am frustrated with.

I definitely think I can be a verrry happy bigamist if Islam allowed that for women too. It does for men. It solves my dilemma and my dual personality. I could "love" H and MM both and be one happy content lady :) Anyway, H is in town and we will spend the weekend “connecting”.

Thanks for writing.

PG