Question for Rain
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:36am |
Boy oh boy, this has been quite a week. You seem just about as confused and bewildered as I am.
I am writing to you directly, because we seem to be going through some of the same emotions. The difference lies in the fact that your W does not know about OW.
I guess I'm looking for the MM's perspective.
Passion is an emotion I crave. My H has it for me, and lately I'm trying to be strong for his sake, because I feel so guilty over the anguish I've caused him.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I'm very emotional today, and maybe I just need to vent. Maybe, I'm looking for reassurance. Maybe I'm just screwed up.
So, do you think, with all of your analysis this week, that you could overcome your feelings for OW, and get them back with W. That is what I'm struggling with. Can I ever let my love for xMM go- or at least live with the fact that I love him, but will never see him again?
My head is pressed against the seat, my hands are gripping the bar, and my stomach is in my throat!
Red
Edited 4/22/2004 8:57 am ET ET by red_bella

I know you sent your post to Rain, but I do hope you don't mind me jumping in. I really felt for you, when I read your mail. I share many of your feelings of confusion. I have a wonderful, wonderful H - who adores me, looks after me, gives me plenty of attention and priority in his life. In fact, if he could, he would give me the sun, the moon and the stars. And yet - it's not enough. Sometimes I look at him and wonder why I can't feel the way I used to, wonder what died, what has gone missing, could I ever get it back - because I know it was there once upon a time. There are days when I would give anything to turn the clock back, hang-on to those feelings I once had, not to have met MM.
I guess what has changed is deep within me and unil I work out what it is, I can't fix it. I love MM very, very much - but sometimes I wonder if life would be better if I could find those old feelings again.
Chin up Red.
It sounds to me like you are stuck in the worst possible place. You don't really want to be married to your H anymore, but mainly because your MM opened your eyes to what a R could be like. Meanwhile, your MM isn't ready to leave his M for a variety of reasons.
I guess what you need to do is determine whether your M is truly salvageable without the MM in the picture. And by salvageable, I don't mean whether you can stand to stay married. I mean whether you truly want to spend your life with your H. If not, you're just prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure if I've recommended this book to you or not, but I really think "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" would be helpful to you. I know it helped me work through my ambivalence about staying or leaving.
And you can't count on having MM even if you do leave. He has to make that decision for himself. And it sounds like he's not there yet.
Above all, please go to counseling if you're not already. You need to work through these issues and your H needs to know how you feel. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you have the strength to do what is right, regardless of what that is.
I lurk on this board lots since I started my affair about 4 months ago. I don't post much, have only posted twice.
My situation seems so much like yours.
Back in January I told my H that I was unhappy in our R. See, the thing is that he's abused me and now after I told him I wanted to leave him, he decides he wants to change and I sort of see a change but then I don't by the things he does and says. I know he may be going through the honeymoon stage (And I do lurk on the DV board as well). So my situation may be a little worse than yours.
Anyway, my wonderful OM, has been saying and doing things that make me really think that he is in love with me. I've known him for over 5 years, although our A just started.
But now I feel guilty for what I'm doing and feel pity for my H. I see my children and wonder if I should leave or not although if the abuse starts back up, it will be easier for me to leave H. You know sometimes I wish he did abuse me once more so that would be my ticket out of this M. Because I've fell in love with OM. Sometimes I think that H is just doing this out of pity for himself and that he doesn't love me but doesn't want to realize it. If he did love me, he wouldn't have abused me in the past.
Anyway, back to your situation, I'm not good at giving advice but I totally understand what you are going through because I don't even want my H to get close to me or talk to me for that matter.
Red, you know what I do?, I just pray everyday for the man upstairs to give me the strength to go on and make a decision on what's best for me and my children soon. Before I do go buzurk. I feel depressed daily and can't function as I used to. Does anyone else feel this way?
Having read your post to Rain I just have to add that I know where you are coming from because I feel EXACTLY the same! I could have written what you wrote. I do not feel passion with DH any more. I'm not sure at what point it slipped away. I guess it was a gradual thing because, to be honest, until I met MM I didn't even realize that I was missing it. But MM opened my eyes to what a truly connected relationship could be like. Sadly, I don't think DH and I were ever connected the way MM and I were. But we certainly used to be much closer. Can we get that closeness back again? Quite frankly I don't know. I feel like I owe it to DH to try, especially because he seems willing to make the effort. But it is going to be SO HARD because over the years DH has made so many other things in life a priority over me. At this point he truly doesn't seem to understand HOW to help me feel connected to him.
Like you, I'm trying to figure out if can I be happy with DH, knowing my heart and soul are with someone else. Can I find a way to reconnect with DH and perhaps give my heart and soul back to him? Can I let MM go? I don't know. All I know is right now I'm miserable, I'm hurting. I'm lost.
I wish I had advice for you. I hope that knowing you aren't alone will bring some comfort. It certainly helps me to know I'm not the only one struggling right now. I think I'm going to get that book Omaha keeps recommending. Maybe it will help me to think things through.
Please hang in there and do what you can to take care of yourself!!! ((((HUGS))))
GB2
As my xMM said to me once, "Our marriages are the same as they have always been. We are just more intolerant of them and our spouses because we see in each other, qualities we would like them to have."
My wish is that the intolerance disappear, along with the indifference. My H has been so amazing this week - sending me love notes, being concerned with my feelings, and trying to stay positive and focus on the future - how he is doing it, I'm not sure!
Anyway, omaha, I've been hearing more and more about that book of late - think I'll be making a trip to Chapters this weekend.
and
GB2 - thank you for remembering about the Science Fair - on one hand, I can't wait to see xMM (and I plan on looking great - just had my hair done and I have a very hot outfit planned for awards day) - on the other hand, I'm freaked out! I'm losing my mind!
Red
I feel for you. About two weeks ago the W and I were having a very serious talk as she sort of broke down. I was holding her hands in mind and kind of looking down and I thought, "God, I know these hands so well. I can't believe I'm doing this."
It's hard. Most of us got married with the intention of staying that way. I don't think most of the thinking, feeling people on this board went to that day thinking, "This should be a pretty good first marriage."
I don't think the MM's perspective is really any different in this case. If you love someone, you love them. There isn't a lot of explanation to love beyond the decision and instinct to do so, and the fact that the sensation of love is different with different people only makes it harder to define. Love is as confusing as it is inspiring, that much is for sure.
It's sort of like a soup. You can get lots of good soup with different amounts of identical ingredients but it's all going to taste a little different. It's still soup.
Do I think I could overcome my feelings for the OW and get them back for the W?
Hmm. No, I couldn't overcome my feelings for the OW. They would be there. If soul mates exist, we are they, and I have never felt such a kindred spirit emotionally, sexually, and in day to day dealings than her. And while it is an A, I see her every day (more than my W usually) and we deal with bills, car problems, who will get kid from day care, etc. While not living with her, it isn't a normal A where I could say "I'm romanticizing this." Maybe a little, sure, but I also feel like I have a pretty good idea of what it would be like. And it would be good.
I could decide to ignore my feelings as people ignore or cope with any pain or difficulty, but I don't think I could just overcome them and forget.
Could I get those feelings back for my W? Well, that really is the question. I'll be as honest and direct as I can be. And in an uncharacteristic move from me, I will ask anyone with the intention of "Bible-thumping" me to keep it out of this discussion; this isn't the place for it and this is only my opinion. Email me privately if you wish to debate it and I will happily, peacefully oblige you.
I am a Christian who practices Buddhism daily. Because of this, and my change to such a seemingly strange, dynamic, personal faith over the last year, I realize that I could likely embrace my compassionate nature enough to stay with my W. I have already forgiven her for taking the easy path of following her nature to hurt, nag, criticize and manipulate. I'm not angry with her. I feel a great deal of sympathy for her. Because I think she has a good core but a young soul that is rash, fearful and insecure, I feel pulled to continue to gently help her grow if I can. None of us are done growing.
I honestly believe I could make a decision to love my W through anything and go right back to where I was. I am at peace more now than I was a year ago when this started and I understand that she embraces a different philosophy than I do. I could stay quite easily and lead by compassion through the rest of our days. But that would be a decision I had to make.
Would it ever be like it was? I doubt it. Would it ever be the same thing I share with the OW? No, I'm certain of that.
You can do almost anything you "decide" to do, I really believe that. Some decisons are easier than others. Even after all my prattle above, I don't know what decision to make.
I could decide to martyr myself, keep my Christan vows, abide my Buddhist learning about leading a compassionate life, and trudge on for the remainder of this life trying to be the compassionate soul of the M. I recognize that it is extremely unlikely my W will change permanently for the better if I go back. I would have to decide that I can live with that and the knowledge that I've chosen my W's happiness over my own and that of the OW.
Or I could decide to live for myself, seek out my own happiness that currently truly comes from adding so much to the life of the OW (and her child.) She is kind, compassionate, and similar in most every respect to me with a beautiful passion and loving nature. I have already decided I could live with her few quirks. In order to make that change though I have to decide I can live with knowing I left a M and put my own happiness first, which tends to go against my compassionate nature.
Red, I don't know that I've helped much. The only real advice I suppose I have is that whatever your heart and mind truly decide on will stand much more likely to come to fruition. It isn't so much "can you do it?" as it is "can you decide to do it?" From a decision will come strength and resolve, and from that motion and direction. The immovable object can become the unstoppable force if enough energy is applied.
Thank you for asking my thoughts. I'm flattered and I hope I've been any help at all.
rain
However, your faith in Christianity and Buddhism is obviously the foundation of your strength. I admire and envy that!
I also have very strong beliefs and consider myself a very spiritual person - although I do not practice any specific religion. I do believe in soul-mates - and I truly believe I found mine in xMM. I do believe that everything happens for a reason - and that this path laid out before me, I must follow in order to proceed to the next level. A lesson learned on every pathway!
I do love my H. I consider him to be my "best friend". Maybe this sounds strange. When my "crisis" with xMM came to light, the first person I wanted to talk to and have console me, was my H. The question I ask myself is, can I find happiness within myself by being married to my best friend. Only time will tell. Will I ever overcome my love for xMM - No - but I must try to find a balance, so that I can cope.
Thank you, thank you, thank you - this has helped me in more ways than you know. I feel better and stronger already, by letting all of this out. I will continue to follow your story with great interest, not only out of concern, but also to take enjoyment out of your brilliant mindset.
Red
Like you, I have lost the passion for my H. Although I love him, I am no longer in love. He in turn, is showering me (smothering me really), and it feels like an obsession on his part as he senses my emotional distancing from him. I can't really say it's all my MM's fault for this. He simply opened my eyes to what a healthy, adult relationship should and can be, and he leaves me craving for more.
I don't know that you will ever stop loving your xMM, as I will never stop loving mine. Maybe it's not necessary to stop loving them in order to rekindle that bond with your H. I look at my H and feel both pity and shame. But at the same time, I remind myself that he also has a certain level of responsibility for the A. I'm not excusing my behavior, but coming to grips with how and why I got here to this point. I think all marriages rocked by affairs bear some responsibility from both sides.
One step at a time sweetie, and know in your heart that if your marriage fails, you at least gave it your best shot. Your friend, Virgogirl