Question-Serial "cheaters"?
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Question-Serial "cheaters"?
| Fri, 04-24-2009 - 6:16pm |
Ok...so this was posed to me by one of my best friends who knows of my A, & I wondered about the likelihood...not only for myself, but others as well.
This is more for those of you who think that their A is more than a PA & that there might be a chance for the 2 of you to be together in the "real" world-
If you did end up having a "future" with your AP, what do you think are the chances that you would be faithful to him & he be faithful to you?-You both obviously know how to have an A & -at least temporarily-know how to hide one.
Would you trust him? Trust yourself? that if something goes wrong within the primary R you 2

My thoughts...
Whether or not you and your A could ever be together in the 'real world' completely depends on why you got together in the first place. Are the two of you in unhappy marriages? If you are both unhappy, and your relationship brings you happiness, and you talk about being together forever, than you need to make plans to make that happen. Bring up the subject, see how he reacts, this will tell you alot. A good question to ask is "what do you see in the future for us?". If this question makes him nervous and he doesn't have an answer, and just wants to "keep things the way they are" then you will need to re-think if you want to continue in the relationship. If he will talk about "forever", then at first, you need to keep it in a "what if" form of conversation, until one or both of you are in a postion to make anything permanent, like you get divorced. Only then do either one of you have the right to ask the other to make a committment. As long as you are both married to other people, then probably nothing more will happen with your relationship.
As far as trusting him...you are trusting him right now, to keep you secret and to be your A. There is no way to know if any man will be faithful to you in the future, no matter how you meet them before you marry or commit to a relationship. All you can do is share with him what you expect of him, and if he values your relationship, he will honor that.
Hi G, you pose a very important question if anyone in an A is thinking or wanting to move forward with it,and I think it is a very difficult one to answer.
My life experience has taught me to believe once a cheater always a cheater, but now I think that may not always be true. If you or AP or whoever, is in a truly unhappy marriage and is unable to leave "yet" because of children, financial, etc. but if the person is a "cake eater" that can be very unclear. If the AP (meaning either party) is a "cake eater" I would be very very afraid of them/myself cheating.
From my perspective in my A, it started as a FWB, but recently escalated to the admission of actually falling in love with each other. Something we both fought off tooth and nail, and to say the least, I am not real comfortable with. I pretty much live every day with the conflict of emotion vs. logic. So I have thought and struggled with myself,and we have discussed about if we were ever to be together in "real life" would I trust him....and I don't really know. As far as myself not cheating, I would say that I wouldn't because I am love with him and want no one else but him, not even my H. I would more than likely leave H if AP did, but the logical side of the situation, such as your question, leaves such a big, gaping, gray area. It is a huge gamble, and unfortunately, I read that only like %10 of 2nd marriages from an A actually succeed.
I agree a lot with Really Sings. There are no guarantees in life, you never know what can happen.
Good Luck and Hugs!
BTW....I couldn't find your original post here
Thanks to both of you...Everything you both said is what has been going thru my head...and my conversations with AP (yes...we've discussed this) & his answers are similar. Still....I don't know.Ok-I'll give my story, for better understanding & because I can relate here on this board with all of you-on this subject, obviously, better than anyone else & appreciate all the words of wisdom & experience & opinions that I've read on here.:
I am married to a man I would consider a great friend, for 8 yrs. (2nd marriage for me, & I have 1 20 yr old child from my 1st brief marriage). I care for H & love him 0but very much NOT "in love" with him, & in order to be w/a man I could actually LIVE with on a day-in-day-out basis, I sacrificed good sex, & a strong mental/emotional connection. (He is not "dumb" -by far...we' just have very different tastes & interests...on EVERYTHING!)
I had several brief A's over the last 2 yrs., 1 in particular broke my heart but only within the realm of A-land...(we never saw us "together forever"), with men I met online. Then I met HIM-my current AP (also online), in late Aug '08. Something was VERY different from the start. I also fought it as hard as I could for the 1st 2 months, but I think if the Fates tried any harder to slap me
Hi StarSong,
Thanks for sharing your story, and....WOW, you're story seems identical to my own. From the state of your marriage,(extremely identical lol) from how you met your current AP, to having previous brief A's (I had two short "Flings") and how you and your AP have everything in common and knowing that something was different from the start.
I too, feel like he is "the one" and I have never felt this way about anyone, and the power of it scares the hell out of me on a daily basis. He has no idea of how strongly I feel for him, I am a really bad communicator,(I even have a hard time telling him I love him back when he says it) not wanting to show or share my feelings, always having to be in control of my emotions so I wont get hurt, and if I do get hurt, I very rarely show it. I know..not good, but that's the only way I know. I find myself wanting to tell him so much and share myself with him like with no one I have ever met before, but I always hold back. He starts to bring up serious issues and I usually shut him down without an answer. Then when alone with myself, I always wish I could share more of myself emotionally with him. I guess I am afraid.
So with that being said, with your reply to my post, to tell him how I feel, I probably wont lol. But, that was good advice you gave, thank you and you are right, communication is important.
We both stay in our M too mostly because of money, he also "wealthier" than me and would lose a lot if he left. We dont really talk about it, because I usually change the subject when he starts to bring it up.
You said in your post "We both always say how we want to stay together "forever" & stay close-no matter what." Have you both discussed getting a D and being together?
And yes, Faith is important in situations like these but how do you balance that with the "logical" side of the situation, the "what-ifs"?...like what if you or he cant be faithful, what if he cant go through with a D, what if he does go through with it, and then goes back to her, how to survive financially for you both with life after a D (child support, etc.)gosh...I could go on and on lol. Maybe that's my problem though, I think too much. Now that we have found out we are in love with each other, I of course think of wanting to be with him in "real life" and am constantly asking myself these questions trying to gauge if I am wasting my time and love on something that will never really be "legitimate."
Keep your Faith and enjoy your happiness with AP, but don't stop asking yourself important questions. I am a firm believer in "what is meant to be, will be."
H
This question has come up on this board before, and what I think is that if you've cheated on a person once, you'll cheat on that person again.
But I don't believe in the general statement "once a cheater always a cheater" as a character trait - unless, of course, you're a sex-addict or a sociopath.
ITA.
I do believe that if you are not happy and you have already crossed the A line in a relationship, you will likely continue to do so. That said, that doesn't mean you will cheat in every relationship.