Question to some that may apply...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Question to some that may apply...
7
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:10pm
If you have no desire to leave your W/H but would like to continue your EMA, how do you tell the MM/MW without having it affect the relationship?

How do you find that "comfort-level" to know that you can never be together but still be able to love each other? Especially when you realize that you are soulmates even though you have to accept the responsibilities around you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:34pm
When you find out please let me know. I am struggling with very much the same emotions, and have to decide whether or not to continue. I have only had one night, so it may not be considered an EMA by some, but I have known OW for 6 years. So now I have about 4 weeks to decide, until i see her again. One part of me can't wait, the other says don't go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:00pm
For MM and myself, he was very shy about expressing himself when we first met. I wrote him an email and said there were things I needed to discuss with him, and that while I realized he was shy, perhaps we could "discuss" these things via email. He agreed, and said it would be easier for him. One of the things I said to him, was while my marriage is all but over, I'm not looking to make any changes in my life. That will be staying married for the next four years minimum, and I hoped he felt the same way. While we have know way of seeing into the future, and how we will feel about each other, that this is something we must always keep in mind. He agreed, and we had a series of very open, and frank emails about what we needed from the other and what our expectations are.

For me, it was SO freeing to get it all out there in the open from the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:07pm
Hi torngal! :) This is a very good question...OM and I rarely talk about stuff like that, although we both have said that we wish we had met sooner. But other than that, we really don't get into that area. At the beginning of our A, we both made it clear that we weren't looking to leave our SO's, and really haven't talked about it since. I am M and OM is engaged (that's a whole long story...lol) but anyway, I think we both just accept that this is how it is, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:20pm
It should have been made clear from the "GET" but in cases where you are knocked off of your feet (a spontaneous occurance) and the wind has left your lungs, it should be brought up as soon as you feel this. All I read on these boards is how affairs bring out the lies in us...well, this is one time the truth will make or break the biggest potential lie of them all. Good luck.

T.

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:24pm
Hi, TG...

I don't post here often, but I do read the posts. Yours was especially meaningful to me, because I feel I have been so blessed to have the relationship I have with my MM, who is without doubt my soulmate. He's not leaving his wife, and I accept that I will be "single," at least as far as the rest of the world is concerned, probably for the rest of my life. I don't know that there's a magic formula for accepting the circumstances of these relationships, but I think of him as my best friend with whom I also happen to have glorious, magical sexual encounters. Instead of focusing on things like "OK, I'll see him Tuesday night for an hour and then Thursday morning, and he'll email me three times a day and we'll talk on the phone every other day" or whatever, try to think of every encounter and every period of time apart as part of the big picture, the cycle. The one thing I know about this relationship that has been different from all my other past "regular" relationships is that this love is so strong and the connection so complete that he is with me even when we're not together. I've been in the room with men who I supposedly were in love with and still felt alone. With this man, I never feel alone, even when I don't see him for a day or two. I don't know if this would help you, but we had a private handfasting ceremony, in a park at dawn, where we committed to each other while still recognizing his other relationship. It helps that WE know we have that committment; our vows define our relationship. (I'd be happy to share them with you if you're interested in what a ceremony like this would look like.)I've posted some of this before, but if it might help you, I hope no one minds that I've repeated myself. And this has always been very important to me in this relationship. On the rare occasions when I might feel hurt or angry or when some petty jealousy makes me forget what this man means to me and how much we have together, I always go back to this Bible verse: "Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." It beings me back to earth and soothes me. I hope this helps. Sorry for the rambling post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 8:44pm
I love your post! It is exactly what is on my mind. But for me, the key word in your message was in the last paragraph where you wrote about the responsibilities around you. Both MM and I have agreed that we would not be the people who we are today, the ones we are attracted to, if not for our current spouses. In fact, we would not have even met, if not for all of our life history and circumstances that eventually brought the two of us together. I guess I am a believer that things happen for a reason. And, although we are both married, both MM and I have laughed over the fact that maybe when we're sixty or seventy years old - we'll both be available to be together THEN! It's a strange place to be - for sure. I don't know if I have helped at all. Just know that others out there feel the same way.

Rent, or buy, the movie: Same Time, Next Year. It's an oldie that just got released on DVD. It shows a couple that has an affair once a year, on the same weekend, for over 30(?) plus years. It is a wonderful movie about this exact topic: soul mates who meet and happen to be married to other people . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:32pm
Hi Birdiegirl!

Your post made me laugh because my MM and I laugh about how it won't be until we are in our 80's that we can be together! LOL! We often fantasize about being together but we are both fully aware of how little (practically non-existent) this possibility is so we sweep it aside as a "dream."

Your insight regarding your relationship helped assure me in this difficult situation that we juggle. THANK YOU. It helped to hear your situation. I have been through the major highs and lows of being ecstatic when I am with him and miserable when I'm not. After a year and a half, you realize that there is just a simple comfort for having each other. It's heartbreaking and frustrating but the sacrifices that have to be made are just too great. I can't leave my husband and he can't leave his son. He says that if it wasn't for his son, it would be a different story but we have to accept his responsibility as a father and his need to be there for such a young son.

Thanks again for the insight! It is helping me through this "acceptance" process that "we" may never happen but we can find a comfort level in the love that we have and the belief that we are soul mates.

I am going to run out and look for that movie ASAP:-)!