Questions about A's

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Questions about A's
9
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 8:20am

I am trying to decide if this A is worth all the pain (and happiness) that we all go through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 10:15am
Not all A's are just about sex but from what you describe it does seem that yours may be. I know it hurts to hear that because my first A was like that. I couldn't see it while I was involved with him because I didn't want to and because I had never before been in an A. I think that if they really care about you they can at least pick up the phone during lunch or on their drive home and call or maybe email. My first A kept in contact just enough so I didn't walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 11:05am

1. I chat with AP online most week days. Weekends... i never know... if I'll hear from him. If I do bonus... if not... whatever. He only even calls if he's coming to see me. I don't call him.

3.If it was purely just sex... he likely wouldn't bother with someone 20hrs away. However... that doesn't mean he wants anything more than friendship that includes sex.

4.How do you ask you questions... personally I'd just ask out right. Just say you need to know where things stand. Don't be emotional or dramatic about it... just flat out ask. And let him know your needs the same way.

5. Around holidays no i don't expect to hear from him. If i haven't heard by a month later... I've given up and moved on.

7. DO NOT even try. Be you... if he doesn't like it bad. Don't chance yourself or your behaviors for him.

2&6... I haven't got answers there.

GQ

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 12:22pm

I don't post much, prefer to lurk... but will answer because my AP is 13 hrs away, so definitely a LDA even though it's mainly an EA and not physical yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 12:50pm

i'll see maybe if i can try to help. just keep in mind all people involved in affairs have their own individual needs that need to be filled. so guess what i'm trying to say is , if you are not happy either communicate how you feel, or if you are too afraid to, maybe it's a bad relationship.

my ap and i talk about twice a week. sometimes by phone maybe for an hour, sometimes by messanger, sometimes by email. then we don't talk for about 4 to 5 days. if we can talk more we will.

2)i'm not jealous, it's wasted emotions

3)my AP did send me a merry christmas email even though at the time he wanted to not be in an affair, i sent him happy new year, he responded back with happy new year, he sent me a happy birthday with 12 virtual roses.(to some on here it might not mean nothing, but to me it was extremely special), we will see for valentines day. last year he called me at work and wished me happy valentines day. for his birthday i sent him a happy birthday email.

4)communication is the key. you have to be able to voice your concerns.

5)their families should always come first. so i would say it's common.

6)you have to look at your own situation and decide for yourself what's important to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 1:19pm

A's are difficult enough as it is, I can imagine being 20 hours apart must make it even harder. To answer your list as far as my A goes, it's like this:

1) AP and I talk on the phone several times a day. We see each other a couple of times a week.

2) I'm not jealous of his wife because he does not love her and there is nothing going on with them. Not sure what you mean by other women, do you mean he has other APs or just women he is in contact with as friends or for business?

3) My AP is attentive daily. I don't doubt that he loves me and it is not just sex.

4) Who usually initiates contact, you or him? If it is you, try to hold off and see if he calls or emails. I don't keep track of who calls who because we are always calling each other.

5) The holidays were probably hard because it is family time.

6) Are you fooling yourself? I don't know. I guess it depends what you want from this A. Choosing to be in a LD A would mean not seeing much of each other. Were you OK with the situation and now find that you want more? It's hard for me to offer advice on LD A but my AP travels a lot for his job so he is gone most weekdays. We do, however stay in contact and I am the first person he comes to see when he gets back.

7) Be yourself. Please do not try to be *the perfect girl* just be who you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 1:41pm

Thanks everyone for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 4:31pm

Hi there,

My MM and I are on 2 different coasts, lol. We text several times a day and we talk almost every day, sometimes for over an hour. Sometimes we talk on weekends but we mostly exchange texts if W is around. On weekdays if he can't call during work hours he'll call on his commute home, or in the evening (again, if W is not there).

However, it was not like that at all at first, it took us 3 years to get there. He could go for days without texting or calling in the first months. So I just told him outright that I wanted more contact - he eventually came around. When we fell in love it just naturally started happening more frequently as we became emotionally involved. I seldom initiate contact - it's usually him. My little way of knowing he is still into me.

If he really likes you for more than sex he needs to get better at communicating so you can get to know each other better. Be clear that you want at least a weekly call and a daily email (or whatever will make you happy, start slow) and see how that goes. When he does call be very encouraging :-) I hope he responds! Good luck :-)

Just my 2 cents, FWIW

hugs,
trix xo

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 4:19pm

Thanks Trixie,


I was having a very hard day today again just questioning how he feels about me and how he can go 2 months without any word and now I have spoken to him 3 times in a week but I am not sure if it is because he wanted something or because he genuinly missed me and was trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 7:24pm
2 months with out any communication. that's something i couldn't deal with. i it least need twice a week to talk to y AP whether it be by phone or email. i went 3 months without seeing him in person, but we still talked.