Quetion for everyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Quetion for everyone?
10
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:48am
I know my situation and I can't understand and make sense of my own rationalizations. Just a little personal survey to see if others feel as I do


Would you leave your H/W to be with your MM?

I don't know that I would for the mere fact that this is my second marriage and I don't want to go through another divorce. I have 3 children (2 from ex). I love my H in this ackward way but I am not sure that I ever really was inlove with him, my family was. I feel like I am in love with my MM. I want to spend every moment with MM and I see him alot more then most. I see MM about 3 to 4 times a week for 3 to 4 hours at a time. Funny thing is I do not work and am able to still do this.

Missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:13am
In a perfect world where no one gets hurt, etc... I would leave H for MM. However, doubt MM would leave his W for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:17am
no I wouldn't leave my M for MM.. I would do it for myself and even take a break from mm to give myself some independence. I wasn't happy before mm came along and I wouldn't even want to be with mm. I wouldn't trust him and he probably wouldn't trust me considering we're having affairs and we're both married.

If I was to get married again, I know now what to look for and what not to look for. I rushed into this marriage and wouldn't rush it again.

chrissluver

Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:59am
No, I wouldn't leave my H for my MM, even if our children were grown and gone. MM wants more children, mine are in their teens, I'm SO finished with the baby and toddler phase. Also, he loves his little child so much, I can't be the one to take him away from her. THough the W seems tohave no problem using the child as a weapon.

Besides, I sure don't want another marriage. BTDT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:04am
Nooooooo. If I left my H it would be for MYSELF. First, I would never leave because we have a 3 y.o. Second, I am not in the financial position to leave. Third, I am working on my Ph.D. and can't manage the disruption. Fourth, I really do love my husband and want to stay married to him.

But, if I did ever leave, it would be simply to be FREE. I would NOT get into a relationship or marriage, and I would NOT leave my marriage for MM (nor do I suspect he'd leave for me). I wouldn't want an exclusive relationship with MM even if we both were in the position to do so. He isn't my idea of what I need or want for long-term commitment.

But he makes me happy with what we have and I believe I do the same for him, so that's where we'll stick.

Good question!

KC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:38am
Okay, ignoring the original post, I find this line of thinking very disturbing.

"I wasn't happy before mm came along and I wouldn't even want to be with mm. I wouldn't trust him and he probably wouldn't trust me considering we're having affairs and we're both married."

If this is true, why should anyone ever trust you? Anyone you love enough to end up in a R with will probably find out you have been unfaithful in the past. At that point, would you expect them all to leave? I think the most important thing is trusting yourself. I know for a fact I will never be unfaithful again. I got married for the wrong reasons and had A's for the same wrong reasons. I'm doing things the right way now. And that includes building a R with someone I love and who loves me. She trusts me despite all my past indiscretions. And she should trust me because I will never hurt her or myself that way.

I'm not rushing into marriage either. But I certainly hope to be married to IS one day. And that marriage will be based on communication, shared values and love. And I think that it is just plain wrong to suggest that people who have had affairs couldn't trust each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:01pm
Missy,

Yes, I think that I would leave H for MM. My marriage has been over for a very long time. H and I have been through so much, we have been married 23 years and have 3 beautiful children. We started out very rocky, H told me about 3 months after we were married that he would never love me like he did this girl he loved in 8th grade!!!! Of course I had just turned 18 and the thoughts of getting our marriage annuled or even getting a divorce were out of the question for me. I can still remember how hurt and humiliated I was but for everyone to know he didn't love me, would have been worse. I never told anyone, I just tried for years to please him and show him that I was more wonderful than this other person could ever have been to him. Well, H was paying attention to what I was trying to do, he was too busy having numerous A's. Now, he says that I am the love of his life, but it is too little too late. We got married and he never quit dating!!!

I hope that one day, if things change, MM and I can be together. He got married because his W was pregnant. I don't think there has ever been any real love there. So, maybe the cards will play out where we can eventually be together. If he ever finds himself single (he has 2 very small children and mine are older) I will leave H in the dust!!!!!!

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:26pm
I left my H for me and for my kids.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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anonymous user
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:17pm
I agree with NRY. I would never leave for another man. In my ideal dreams I would be married to MM not my H. Also, I think for that to happen I would have to be able to form a real relationship with MM. ALthough we have a great connection, and the sex is of course out of this world, becuase of everyday life we have not been able to be together like a lot of people on this board who have fallen in love with their OM/OW. We also discussed this and agreed it would be too much pain imposed on those we loved (our children) to go through that. SO I feel like without that time to really know each other and love each other I doubt we will ever get to that point. Plus I would have to leave a marriage for me, and the fact I was so unhappy, not to switch husbands.

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:56pm
That is a thought-provoking question. And it's something I fantasize about regularly. However, the # of people around us that would be directly affected and hurt as a result...may not be worth the risk.




Edited 5/20/2004 4:40 pm ET ET by privatelife

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:35pm
Good Question! I'm actually back in college getting my BS to leave my H and have a bit of freedom of my own. 2nd marriage, married 10 yrs, have 3 children, and felt that I never could leave this marriage due to financial reasons. He (H) has had numerous EMA's, and I swore I would never be that "other woman". Well, here I am 6 yrs later as that "OW".

In revelance to the ?, no I would not marry my MM. (Although in la la land I would love to think that we could be married and work out!) I don't think that he would actually marry me either. Not that there isn't love and TOTAL CHEMISTRY, but I would always have that 3rd eye looking over his shoulder. I'm sure he would have the same with me too!

Jen