quilty feeling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
quilty feeling
13
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:12am
Can somebody please give me some words of advice?

I am married to a wonderful guy, but he is the only guy I have ever been with. Now I am becoming involved with someone at work, and I am feeling sick to my stomach all the time. We have only kissed, but I would like more I think. I think I have to tell my husband but all hell will break loose. I can not keep trying to function everyday feeling like this. I can't even eat. Help please!

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anonymous user
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:16am


trwork

If you feel sick to your stomach don't do it. You THINK you want more, but do you really? Don't share this with your husband, somethings are better left unsaid. Do you know what the problems are in your marriage? Is it just that you haven't been with someone else? How long have you been married? Any kids?

You left more questions than answers

We're all here to help

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:07pm
I completely agree with deedee.

I'm a married man so believe me...

DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

Men do not react well to this sort of thing. I don't know that women do either, but trust me, this is an absolute recipe for disaster. To go one further, if your husband knows he is the only man you've ever been with and you tell him you're thinking of and curious about other men... oh, sweetie, I don't think you are prepared for the ugliness that would likely ensue.

If you aren't really unhappy in your marriage and you're just curious about new sex, you really should consider researching other boards here for sexual ideas, new things to try, and books to read. Try to seize on your urge for something new and seek out fresh things to bring to your husband. Get him involved, tell him what you want. Try some things that sound silly like role playing or going to a hotel for a weekend under assumed names. It might be a lot of fun, and new sexual ideas might flourish. If you're looking for "new sex" it's entirely possible to get it with your husband, but it won't just happen.

And changing partners might not be the answer, it might just be new problems. If you're this upset, it's obvious you need a change, but that change might not be an affair.

Good luck, and again... check out other message boards here. There's so much great information here... you can do this if you choose to.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:29pm
deedee

no kids. We have been together since I was 16. For a long time I didnt think I could get anybody else. Since I have grown up and am no longer the ugly duckling, I have realized that is not the case. I think I just felt like we had been together so long that the next step was to get married. I do love my husband, but I am not satisfied. I feel like I should know if it is me or him that is the cause.

thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:36pm
Thanks for the advice. I have tried to try new things, but they dont seem to catch on. As much as I love my husband, I am not really sexually atracted to him. He is a handsome guy, but the other guy makes sparks fly in a way that H doesnt. I know that part of that is just the newness of it, but I still think I would like to know if sex could be better.

thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 2:50pm
hmm... ok then, I'll revise my advice.

Eyes Wide Open.

Be careful. If this OM knows your H is the only man you've been with... believe me, big turn on. For men without a functioning moral compass, it could become just a chase and catch thing, then over. Not suggesting he is such a man, just saying it's worth being aware of if you've shared that piece of information with him.

Men (as a rule) like the idea of bringing new things to women. I try to by Mr. Sensitive Male most of the time, but I'll be testosterone-driven honest: I really like giving someone a new sensation. Yes, it's partially a superficial male ego, but for me it's also partially the pleasure of someone becoming comfortable with me, experiencing something new or different and making someone I like feel good. And as much as I would like to deny it, if I knew someone attractive who flirted with me, kissed me, and let on that they had only had sex with one man... sorry, primitive as it sounds, I'd want her in a bad way. Boy, that's embaressing to admit...

Not every man is going to be that way. OM might be great, and might be completely interested in you as a person. Or he might just want to get your clothes off. And that might be all you want too, in which case -- life's short, go and get you some. I have known one or two women who had only had sex with their Hs, and they too wanted to know what else was out there; I don't think it's unusual, and to be honest I don't know if there's anything short of sex with someone else that will satisfy you.

Just be assured... sex can *always* be better. LOL. I'm having the best sex of my very sexual life in my A, but I'm also pretty sure it's still getting better... but that isn't the main reason I had the A.

Good Luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:20pm
Hi TR, speaking as someone who is in a sexual A, I would just like to say that once you become involved, its very hard to think about ever ending it, it becomes VERY addictive.

And yes, the sex is better, its the best I've ever had. MM says its the best he's ever had too.

My H is not interested in sex (only in drinking) so that was why I originally got into the A. Same with MM, his wife not interested in sex for a long time.

With me and MM, things are really great, we are very compatible sexually. I think he likes the fact he is only #3 man I've slept with (other 2 being H #1 and #2).

He likes the fact that he has taught me many, many things sexually. Even if H recovered his libido and wanted sex everyday, I don't know if I could be satisfied with him after having it with MM for so long (2+ years) and being so satisfied sexually by him.

It works for us for now. But if he was to ever change his mind about seeing me, I know I would be devastated.

All I can say is, go into this with your eyes open if you are going to go thru with it.

But I would strongly suggest that before you start something that will be hard to end, maybe you should go for counselling with H either marriage counsellor or sex counsellor to figure out what is wrong between the two of you.

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:48pm
I used to be in your situation. When I started my A, I always used to feel extreme guilt. When I was with OM, it was totally amazing and fun. The guilt came when I got home and saw my H and kids, or when my H said or did something very sweet for me.

The guilt got so bad, I stopped seeing OM two weeks after we first slept together. But being apart from him was terrible, and I missed him so much. Now I'm back seeing him again. Do I feel guilty? Yes, sometimes. I usually feel guilt on the drive over to OM's apartment after my H leaves for work. But when I get there, OM makes me feel so good and beautiful, the guilt goes away. You only life once- do things that make you happy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: trwork
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:41pm
Thank you all for the advice. I had to tell H. I was so sick with guilt I couldn't function. Talk about a crappy weekend. I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about what I want, and asked him for some space, but he can't seem to give that to me. he calls about every hour and keeps pushing me. He thinks that if we make love or spend alot of time together it will fix everything. The only thing happening is that I feel smothered and end up pushing him farther away. ( He came home)I don't know what to do. I am not ready to ask for a divorce, as I know this would hurt him terribly, but I am not sure I want to be married. and him pushing doesn't help. All I can think of is the other man and how wonderful it feels to be with him. He is not judgemental like H and it is a relief. Thanks guys
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:04am
This reminds me a lot of how I felt when I began my relationship with my other man. I actually believed that the other relationship would help me figure out what I was missing in my marriage. Having also married my high school sweetheart, my experience was limited to only him and I thought that having a basis for comparison would clear things up for me. Three years later I am still trying to sort things out and am still in both relationships. I don't know if I regret beginning the other relationship, because I am in love with him and its hard to regret having love in your life, but I do believe I have spent the last 3 years less happy than if I would've explored the problems within the marriage instead of looking outside.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:18am
You sound like my MM. If can't be in a A, then let it go. I don't think you are cut out for this A, let it go.

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