quilty feeling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
quilty feeling
13
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:12am
Can somebody please give me some words of advice?

I am married to a wonderful guy, but he is the only guy I have ever been with. Now I am becoming involved with someone at work, and I am feeling sick to my stomach all the time. We have only kissed, but I would like more I think. I think I have to tell my husband but all hell will break loose. I can not keep trying to function everyday feeling like this. I can't even eat. Help please!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:46am
I usually have made a habit of disclosing to hubby if I have been majorly attracted to anybody. We got engaged when I was 19, he 21, in college. I had one crush after engagement and before marriage since I and H had misunderstandings. There were few attractions in earlier years of marriage. Then few years ago, at work I got attracted to my boss. I kept it to myself but then had to tell H. My belief is when its out first of all I and H can do something about it to fix it, I don't have to hold it within me because then it starts feelings more powerful, when its out it loses that fantasy and strong feeling to it. All these attractions were nothing compared to what I felt for the last guy I fell in love with last year and I disclosed that to H a few months ago and H realized that this was the first time that I had used the L word for anybody other than H. I have never been physical with any of these men. In my case telling my husband has helped a lot. H had turned around quite a bit during the years after marriage but now it’s a total turn. He is doing everything exactly right. I believe if you really want your marriage to work you SHOULD tell hubby that you are attracted to somebody else and you can always keep the sexual details out but still explain the extent of attraction. That gives your H to do something about it. Men are such simple creatures that unlike a wife who would hold this info forever against her husband, husbands usually don't.

You asked if there was something in your husband or you prompting an affair. In my case, it’s both. I have a weakness for good looking intelligent guys. Earlier I would think it was a sign of a weakness in my marriage. Although there were things earlier in my marriage that could prompt me to act on these attractions but realizing now that in spite of my husband becoming perfect, due to my own personal flaws and hormones I would always be noticing men. I am currently getting over the last guy and hopefully my hormones will settle down in a few years (I am 34) and I would stay content with H forever. Looking at him now, it does seem like a possibility and this happened only because I disclosed what I felt to H.

PG

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:50am
This thread really provoked something in me and I have to respond. I have been married 20 years, three great kids. I met my H when I was 16, he was my first sexual experience and he cheated on me the next weekend. He was 18 and told me he loved me ...blah blah blah. Well we were apart for two years and I ran into him while attending the Community college. We started dating again. During that two years I didn't date much if at all. I was a late bloomer you could say. I have always looked much younger than I am and even though now it is a good thing, then it wasn't!

We dated for two years when he started bringing up marriage. I knew that although I was comfortable with him there was something missing. I didn't know at the time what it was. I resisted the idea but he is one that if there is something he wants me to do he will keep "debating" it until I give in. Well I gave in but after a few months I knew I couldn't do it and ended it. I dated someone else entirely different from him for a year. I found out that that wasn't what I wanted, of course during this year H kept in touch with me even though he had moved out of state.

When my relationship with the other guy ended, he was there and asked again for me to marry him (nothing romantic believe me). I think I just wanted to do something with my life and he was safe. I knew he loved me more than I loved him and I just kept putting that "little something wrong" down and out of sight. There have been times in my marriage where I have been content. But mainly I have been sad becuase I was missing something. I have always enjoyed the attention of other men, I stayed slim and have been told I am beautiful (although I have to say, I don't think so!) I never really thought I would have and affair although I have been attracted and fantasized about other men. I would never have told my H because during our marriage he has conditioned me to beleive through his body language and speech that we could never have an adult conversation about important matters without him getting angry. There were times he didnt' speak to me for days. So I have never felt like I could bear my soul to this man

Well fast foward to my A and my relationship with him. I found out through my A that what my marriage is lacking is intimacy, passion, and me giving up my heart to my H. When my MM ended our realionship (however brief!) I went to my husband and told him that I didn't like the way our family life was. He would come home and just yell and complain to the kids over small stuff and just made our day to day life like walking on eggshells. He had gained a ton of weight and I didn't tell him such but I didn't find him tempting and w/o the intimacy I was happy with the once a week sex. But I did tell him I was worried about his weight. I still havn't said anything about the intimacy thing. I know he knows.

Since then he has lost 45lbs and really tries to be more laid back at home. He finally told me he thinks I am beautiful. He has issues I won't discuss here as to why as he says he has never wanted to really bond with another person. So now I have feelings, intimacy, and passion with someone else and my H is trying to get our relationship to a place I feel it has never been. I feel we have other issues but like others since he is PRACTICALLY the only man I have been with I subconciously wanted to be with someone else looking for that intimacy that connection I didn't have with him. How do you get that when you've never had it??? It scares me that I A) wasted 20 years because I made a long term decision for a short term problem B) That in thinking that I was "safe" because he loved me more that I missed out on spending my life with someone I truely love

Good grief that was long!

Sorry but it felt good to put it in writing

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: trwork
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:52am
i totally can relate to you. i am not married however i have been with the same guy for over 4 years and he is the only man i have been with. i met a guy at work and have felt the same way that you do.... stomache queasy, cant eat, im nervous all the time. we havent kissed or anything but we did go on a mini date. i had to lie to my boyfriend. he is a good boyfriend but i am afraid i will be with him forever with no other experiences. i also really like this new guy. he is much younger then me and also has a girlfriend but the attraction is definitely there. it is such a hard situation!

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