RainConfus- Pls explain your point...

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Registered: 02-22-2004
RainConfus- Pls explain your point...
8
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:10pm
You say...."Ask yourself a couple of questions... Does he talk about himself much or just his kids? Has he expressed any emotions about this whole thing? Has he talked about his W at all to you? Does he have a lot of body language or is he a little cool and "mysterious?"


Answers: Does not talk about himself too much; talks about work, how he manages his dept, etc. (we have that in common) and I know it takes a lot to stress him out. Talks about his kids some as we both know each others children. We have never approached the subject of this 'thing' we are in. Does not talk about his W and I do not talk about my H. (this is about me, not H in my eyes.) I think he has the normal body language. I try to read it but it seems pretty normal to me, I guess. I on the other hand, dangle with my hair a bit, ever so genlty bit my bottom lip or slightly lick it. However, I do this very subtly. OK, what does this all mean? I know we are very superficial here and if we were truly in an A, we would talk about W/H. However, I am going to believe for my own piece of mind that he and I enjoy what we 'have' and that it is no reflection on our spouses. His W is a sweet woman, great mom, pretty woman, typical tall and blonde and skinny. ( I am small/petite, skinny, blonde) I digress- sorry. MM and I have about only about an hour when we get together and I don't want to waste time talking about W/H. Does that sound weird?

You may be right- if he is more analytical in nature, then risk taking must be evaluated from every angle and the element of surprise is uncomfortable to him as he has no time or back up plan to put into action when the unknow hits. I believe that's what you're getting at.

He emailed me today and it has been 'clean' in nature- almost cautionary to some extent. I was in no way shape or form going to email him. I did not hear from him Friday nor yesterday (although he was out of the office yesterday). But again, I had no inclination to email him today. (ok, that's a lie) Took Bad Kitty's advice (and yours from long ago) and decided that I needed to see if he would send me anything. I would not be the 'chaser'. Maybe see if he misses me a little. ( or misses the email banter, etc.) Maybe missing our 'connection'- whatever it may be. Not sure if this is a good sign that he did initiate it, but there has to be something inside that head of his that makes him want to..right?




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:04am
just bumping for Rain to see/read/reply for you Vles

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:07am
hey there... sorry, didn't mean to go dark. I have no internet at my apartment yet and haven't been to the house much, so I'm only hitting and missing lately.

Hmm. Not sure how much love I'm going to get after this. I try very hard to be honest with people, and while I try to deliver honesty with mercy... too much mercy clouds the point.

Playing with your hair and biting your lip... I don't know about this. Remember, most men are dense. My W would always get on my case that a woman was flirting with me and I was OBLIVIOUS. She'd point out things like hair play and lip biting and I'd be surprised. Most men, unless some woman has deliberately revealed secrets to us or we're major players, do not grasp something so subtle or its meaning.

"However, I am going to believe for my own piece of mind that he and I enjoy what we 'have' and that it is no reflection on our spouses... MM and I have about only about an hour when we get together and I don't want to waste time talking about W/H. Does that sound weird? "

OK. Here's where I get into potential trouble and lose points as a nice guy. LOL.

Believing for your own piece of mind... sweetie, be careful with that. That starts to sound like you could be deceiving yourself. Believing "for your own piece of mind" sounds good... but what if you started applying that perceptive style to health issues, work performance, etc. ? Rephrase the statement a couple of ways and listen to it... "for my own piece of mind... for my own peace... so I'm at peace... so I feel ok with this... because believing something else might be upsetting..." I don't know, it starts to possibly drift into the denial category, IMHO.

Yes, he might enjoy what you "have." But let's take stock of what you truly have.

You share a rapport with this man based on common childrens' interests, the discussion of management techniques, and you have a little physical chemistry he hasn't decided whether he is willing to pursue. The fact that neither of you seems to have expressed some overwhelming issue with a spouse, and the observation that most of your postings are absent any comments about your own M makes me think that you might be feeling like you aren't getting enough attention from your H but that you aren't completely unhappy. And apparently, MM isn't either.

Could there be something inside his head that made him want to initiate contact? Of course. We all crave contact and intimacy to our comfort level. For some people a little is enough -- conversation with a hug at the end is fine. For me, there is almost no limit to my comfort level -- I can sleep in a ball with my lover, wake up, and spend the day there too. We're all different. It's possible he's at his limit; this might be all you ever get no matter how much you want. You might marry the guy and still... the limit is the limit. Then you end up hoping to change him... and then you start looking for another A to give you the intimacy you crave...

Slippery slope, dear vles. My two cents remain the same: leave it alone and see what happens. If he's analytical (and that's my bet) he has to sort it out. He might just enjoy your company and the attention with no real intention of straying from his M. Or he might be waiting for the moment to shock you with an explosion of passion (that he's had time to analyze and plan out.)

BTW... do you know your own personal style? You sound like a driver... not a bad thing, but if you are, and you want to make him comfortable, you might explore the interaction between those two types. I'm a manager too, and I'm an expressive with an analytical who is second in charge. So I'll tell you... there will be NOTHING done without due dilligence, and any attempt to force the issue or manipulate them will be met with quiet withdrawal and resentment... Dealing with other personal styles well has made me a good executive but it drags me out of my comfort zone a lot. It's also made me realize what types I would ever date/mate and what types to just not chase after.

Analyticals? ::shivers::

To quote Dennis Miller... "That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:27am
Hey Rain,

Do you you ignore tears too, since you are obliviouss to number of different things.... Just curious

Juliet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:43am
hmm... sometimes I just don't quite know how to take things. I can't tell if I'm being carefully baited or if someone is trying to tell me something and isn't coming out with it... I guess in this case I'll just answer the question directly.


By saying I was oblivious, I meant that I tend to be oblivious to women flirting with me. At least, when I'm happy and content I'm pretty oblivious. I don't look for things I'm not trying to find.

I'm an extrovert, a musician, and a creative professional. My life is filled with people who talk, communicate, and generally just sort of "put it out there." I have an ego, but not such that when women talk to me I automatically think they are flirting; I usually just think they are nice or talkative. That has kind of gotten me into inadvertant trouble because the W thought I was flirting back, and I wasn't.

As for being oblivious to other things... well, I don't think I am. To be honest and a bit self-serving, I've been told I'm extraordinarily alert for subtle changes and nuances in people -- which is why my W didn't believe me about the flirting thing, she assumed I just had to know. She could leave the room, come back five minutes later after seeing something upsetting on TV and I would ask about it. More than once the women in my life have jokingly asked me to not read their minds. Even my therapist said I spend too much time trying to read people (of course, that was because I had pretty accurately plotted her on the Meyers-Brigg and was unconsciously steering our session towards talking about her personality and how different it is from other therapists....)

There is very little I'm oblivious to when it comes to people in my life. I try very, very hard to learn about their personalities, likes, dislikes and how to best feed whatever their need is and improve their life. If I were oblivious to tears I'd have left my W six months ago, not last Sunday.

rain


Edited 4/7/2004 10:48 am ET ET by raining_confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:48am
Oh Rain, I don't bait anybody, period (unless I am pressed to do so LOL). I asked to a starightforward question no hidden meaning here... I have cried many times before H and he has been so oblivious to that. I was stuck with your post to V and had to ask if all men behave this way, you its like men are from mars kinda thing. Thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:56am
Juliet,

I think it's a personality type thing. My W is a driver/ISTJ. She will cry and get angry at herself over it. Most people crying on her is like watering a rock... not much reason unless you just like moisture. She's not unfeeling, she's just focused.

But me... oh, cry on me and you paralyze me. Can't breathe, can't move, can't speak.

Must... help... crying... person...

LOL. This applies to strangers too.

And sorry if I interpretted this as baiting me... I have been told (not unfairly) that I can be hypersensitive and looking for meaning where there is none.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:00am
Rain, are you my long-lost brother or something LOL

I'm going on the hypersensitivty issue and looking for meaning where there is none. We must be related!!!

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:03am
Maybe its a personality thing. I have cried silently in the car, in the living room in the bedroom and he has gone on like nothing happened. Maybe he didn't hear me crying.. I don't make loud wailing noises when I cry. LOL.. I am like you I pick up little things and nauances and have been accused of being hyper sensitive too. Thanks for the post, it made some sense.


Edited 4/7/2004 11:05 am ET ET by julietsfate