To Raining Confusion- A Q for U.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
To Raining Confusion- A Q for U.
2
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:10pm
Thanks for your response regarding my "patience" posting. I always like the MM perspective as well, I'm not male and sometimes get as confused by them as they do of us! Ha HA! Anyhow- MM and I DID get together for drinks. I however I am soo confusd by this man's actions. I am a different person at the hockey games than in email. We joke but it was always more on his part- that's why I wondered if he was a teaser. You know, all talk. I never came across needy or dying for his love and affection at the games. We talked ALOT about the game itself and what was going on with the kids as they were on the ice. They were conversations I would have with any hockey parent. What I did last week was too forward and not a smart move and I have myself to blame. However, one detail I did not mention, but would want to tell you about is this.... when we got to our cars and kissed, he said he had to go before he got any more excited. Somehow I think that gave me some mental 'green light" to do what I did. Also, MM was not cold nor non-attentive to me. Before we kissed he again, wet his bottom lip and well, you know the rest. He even held me after I tried the passionate kiss. And right before we got in our cars he said, so I will I see you again, on Saturday. (and I did not attend the Sat game; however found out later that his W was there. She rarely ever comes....)

One other thing I said to him on Thursday was this, when I told him that I wanted to give him one great kiss, I added to that by saying ..."just one time and then I'm done" or "I'm done with this" something along those lines. Do you think he construes this as I have ended this 'thing"? And if so, why did he just not follow through with the kiss and get this R or whatever this 'thing" is and be done with it? He's a guy, a great kiss from an attractive woman can't be all that wicked can it? If his comfort level and more so his conscious is coming into play, this would have been the perfect 'out'. He could have had a little of his cake and eat it to. I do wonder what he thinks of Thursday; if anything. He never verbally said 'no' or pushed me away when I wanted the 'kiss" but again resisted to a certain degree. Can one (he) cut themself off of this cold turkey???? His actions.... he called me when I'm on business trip, showeed up a few weeks ago to where I was at in public; we converse a little about our daily work grind, etc. We seem to share more than just racy emails... He held me last thursday when we were together by our cars; versus just a friendly hug. I just don't get his actions!!!!

Now, there were no emails this past friday and I know yesterday he was out of the office. I did send an email to my hockey team ( I am the manager)and am hoping that will be a open communication back between us. It was non-personal as it was sent to many people. I did however 'use' it as a way to get an email to him. To test him to see if he would respond. As of this writing, nothing.

????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:35pm
oh geez... LOL. I'm flattered than when I'm such a mess others would solicit anything from me beyond the current time and temperature...

I'll take some shots I suppose... and as always, I could be full of it. I'm an expressive so I'm not prone to making people guess what I'm thinking, and therefore I'm not terribly trusting of people who aren't so open. Still, I'm also someone who has learned a lot about how to "read and feed" people...

Ask yourself a couple of questions... Does he talk about himself much or just his kids? Has he expressed any emotions about this whole thing? Has he talked about his W at all to you? Does he have a lot of body language or is he a little cool and "mysterious?"

It *sounds* from your limited description that he's kind of an analytical personality, in which case he's not quite sure what he's doing or wanting yet. If he is, he's still weighing the consequences and possibilities of his actions and won't make any real moves until he has done so. Any attempts to push him will not go well, as you've seen. If you're an expressive (and it sounds kind of like you are) he will be naturally attracted to you but unsure how to deal with long term things; expressives (and drivers for that matter) scare analyticals to some extent at the same time we attract them.

To be blunt and far too honest... as an expressive I've always been attracted to quiet, reserved girls a little... nice thoughts of hearing my name at a volume to wake the neighbors... but then that quiet thing would just cause me to explode. And I've had a few quiet, shy girls take an interest... but pretty quick they decide I'm just too much work to deal with. And they're right,LOL. But opposites attract... at first.

If email is heated but the "in the moment" kiss didn't fly, I'd be even more inclined to say he's analytical. With email, everything is carefully decided, choices are made with the correct inuendo, etc. He can't let the passionate kiss go... he hasn't had time to evaluate the possible results of the action. To him, it might not appear as "cake and eat it too." It's just cake on the table with unknown consequences of eating... might get fat, might not like the cake, might like the cake and eat the whole darned thing, etc.

That doesn't mean he can't be passionate or warm by any means. It might just mean he has to have a measured response in mind... for example, he's held you warmly because he has sorted out for himself how he'll feel afterwards or whether that's across his line for what's ok. The "just once" won't work for him because he didn't know on the spur of the moment how he'd feel about that, whether you meant just once or were baiting him, etc.

Like I said... I could be all wrong. But based on what you've said, and the people I know, it really sounds like it's just his personality that has him in this place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:40pm
You say...."Ask yourself a couple of questions... Does he talk about himself much or just his kids? Has he expressed any emotions about this whole thing? Has he talked about his W at all to you? Does he have a lot of body language or is he a little cool and "mysterious?"

Answers: Does not talk about himself too much; talks about work, how he manages his dept, etc. (we have that in common) and I know it takes a lot to stress him out. Talks about his kids some as we both know each others children. We have never approached the subject of this 'thing' we are in. Does not talk about his W and I do not talk about my H. (this is about me, not H in my eyes.) I think he has the normal body language. I try to read it but it seems pretty normal to me, I guess. I on the other hand, dangle with my hair a bit, ever so genlty bit my bottom lip or slightly lick it. However, I do this very subtly. OK, what does this all mean? I know we are very superficial here and if we were truly in an A, we would talk about W/H. However, I am going to believe for my own piece of mind that he and I enjoy what we 'have' and that it is no reflection on our spouses. His W is a sweet woman, great mom, pretty woman, typical tall and blonde and skinny. ( I am small/petite, skinny, blonde) I digress- sorry. MM and I have about only about an hour when we get together and I don't want to waste time talking about W/H. Does that sound weird?

You may be right- if he is more analytical in nature, then risk taking must be evaluated from every angle and the element of surprise is uncomfortable to him as he has no time or back up plan to put into action when the unknow hits. I believe that's what you're getting at.

He emailed me today and it has been 'clean' in nature- almost cautionary to some extent. I was in no way shape or form going to email him. I did not hear from him Friday nor yesterday (although he was out of the office yesterday). But again, I had no inclination to email him today. (ok, that's a lie) Took Bad Kitty's advice (and yours from long ago) and decided that I needed to see if he would send me anything. I would not be the 'chaser'. Maybe see if he misses me a little. ( or misses the email banter, etc.) Maybe missing our 'connection'- whatever it may be. Not sure if this is a good sign that he did initiate it, but there has to be something inside that head of his that makes him want to..right?