Ramble from a complete nutcase!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Ramble from a complete nutcase!
25
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 7:47pm

Well after 5 years I think I am where a few others on this board are and I am contemplating ending my EA.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:40pm

Awww...Bird :( I'm so sorry you're feeling cruddy. ((HUGS))


I don't have much b/c your feelings are your feelings and no one can talk you out of those. However, "only he knows and he isn't saying"...I know you've been w/ him a long time and feel you know him WELL. I keep learning OVER AND OVER that men often can't pin their feelings down and that it's even HARDER for them to articulate what's going on inside their heads. (The big one...LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 11:05pm

Bird I am sending big hugs and wet sloppy kisses your way.


Like you and a few other MASers, I am also torn between staying and leaving. Right now I am lessening the contact and my expectations, but he doesnt know that so its had hardly any effect on him Im sure. Maybe he feels less pressured, but like your AP, he isnt a great converser of feelings so its hard to tell.


Have you ended it before? What happened? I dont think I can end my A without him getting very wounded (ego-wise) and then writing me off. His first wife broke his heart and he basically blocks anyone who does this to him now- ie old gf's who ended it with him, were quickly shown the door.


So can you talk to AP about this (again my AP's ego is a barrier here).


I really feel for you Bird and it just reinforces that the large number of A's are simply not sustainable long term.


Iggyxxxxx

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:46am

Awww Bird. Just sending XXX's and OOO's your way. Only you can decide what exactly you should do at this point, and I don't know what to add. I think getting your feelings all out like this does help, all by itself. Sort of a "self counseling" thing, writing it all down allows you to sort it out in your head too.

I'm also so sorry about the terminal illness of a family member. That has to be SO hard sweetie.

Just know we're here for you! ♥

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:41am

Hello Iggy ...hugs and wet sloppy kisses ...just what I needed ! Lol

Our AP's were seperated at birth ! My OM's first W broke his heart too and he never recovered. Just buried it and his current W is his rebound R. (Just as my H of 20 years is for me so no negativity intended there - just an explanation of how he processes). He's talked about some regrets about his current situation but then buried them too! After saying that, he is very committed to his W and his family. I don't doubt he loves her. Its just never straightforward as we all know. I think I am the only person he has really talked to about his first W and we have gone pretty deep with it. He buries everything, every emotional response and/or reaction. He doesn't like feeling intense emotion and I have often thought I provoke it in him and while he has periods where he wants to feel it, he darent let himself. He used to tell me he would never let me hurt him.
Now he just says he will get over it quickly because that's what he does.

I've ended it many times - or tried. Lol. Mainly because I always end up feeling alone with the emotional involvement. I end it - he doesn't want to - I cave - we talk it through (so hard) realise we aren't that far apart, he tries harder to be more open about his feelings and tries to give me whatever I've said I needed to carry on. Occassionally I have sent him despairing emails saying I just can't do this anymore, really thinking I've made it clear why and that it has to end and ping !...the next morning he comes back as though nothing has happened. When I pick him up on it and say I thought I'd ended it, he says he thought he would let me sleep on it and that he was still here and will remain here, in the same as he always has and unless I tell him NEVER to contact me again he isn't going anywhere. I have never been able to hurt him like those words would. However, if I said them I doubt he would ever come back.

Honestly, I have pushed this man away kicking and screaming and its like he just holds me, either tightly or at arms length, like an out of control child while I have my moment of irrationality. Then we move on. A couple of times we've had NC - the longest was about 4 days and we both caved at exactly the same point - our emails actually crossed lol. It was so fast I thought mine had been bounced back and it was one from him saying hi. lol

After saying all that, it feels constantly like I am the one who prioritises it. Although he is the one who comes to me every day by email, I am the one who seems to make real time in my life for it. He will come out of work to see me but not out of his life. I guess I find it harder to accept the real limitations of it all. It comes over as mixed message - a constant mixed message. I lose perspective and end up struggling.

As for talking ...nope. I won't see him now for possibly another three weeks and talking by email just doesn't work.

I pulled him up on the needy comment, a million shared emails and I'm the needy one!? Pffft! I apologised for being neurotic over the last couple of weeks and suggested we just went back to being us and left it at that. Wasn't sure if he would get out of his restrictive communication mode but I was happy to let it all go for a while if not. He sent me his usual good morning email this morning surprisingly and so we've chatted as normal all day even though he's at home. Just catch up stuff really.

I just think I have to let go because the next few weeks are really going to produce some long lasting changes and it isn't going to fit in the way it always has. Unless he's willing to be the one who puts effort in then I can't see how it will continue. He doesn't get why I'm scared. I guess I don't trust him to make the effort to manipulate his time so we can see each other if he can't just nip out at lunch. I can't do it without seeing him - and the worst thing is ...he will only be 5 minutes away from my place of work :-/

Still fed up but less so than I was :-)

Wet and sloppy kisses back ------>

How's it going with my AP's twin brother? Lol

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:56am

Ahhh thanks Kimber ;-)

I feel better today and yes I didn't and don't freak at him any more lol.

I doubt he will ever end it directly. His way would be to back off but eventually he struggles with that too. He can back away but can't let go completely. Not that he has done eitherm. After replying to Iggy and getting all that out and his responses today I think its his way of dealing with the limitations of LC and not being able to see each other. He can't deal with me needing something he can't give at the moment. I get that. Just wish he would SAY! Lol

I just don't always know how to manage the barrage of emotion when there is no real outlet for it within our R. You seem to have a really good handle on it. Any tips? Oh wise one! Lol

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:14am

Thanks Lexi :-)

If I posted on here about all the stuff in my personal life outside my A I think the men in white coats would come and fetch me! lol I sometimes think someone somewhere is just having a laugh at my expense! Talk about life being stranger than fiction :-) To go any deeper would identify me to even anyone who may vaguely know me so I won't but yes its hard but I am pretty resilient and tougher than I look - or sound! Lol ...which is why his bloody 'needy' comment p'd me right off!

I do think he is my distraction though and his friendship and humour have helped me through some tough times. As I have him, which he has obiously forgotten! Lol ...- guess I need to let the p'd off feeling out somewhere.

Coming here and writing does help for the reasons you said :-)

Its nice to know there's a place to do that and that there are people here who know this sort of madness goes with the territory! :-) Either that or I need to take up basket weaving!

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:11pm

Hey Bird


Yes I think our AP's are twins!!! I just read on the update board more about your AP. Like yours, my AP had his first wife leave him because of an A (she married the AP) and his mum left his dad when he was a teenager to marry her longterm AP. So his guilt is totally screwed up with his feelings of being the injured party (BS and betrayed child).


I am still torn between ending it or just watching it limp along. I am seeing him for coffee today (first time in 6 weeks due to my op and his being Overseas). Im nevous and wonder if this is a good time to mention that the A is causing me guilt/anxiety.


But I probably wont, Im a spineless chicken at heart- also selfish. I think I'll keep it light and friendly and see where he takes it. UGH


Hope you are feeling better today bird x


Iggyxxx


You are what you consistently do

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2007
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 8:44am

Even if Bird does chill, we can all enjoy some chocolate together. I just bought a pound of fudge when I was at the beach so I can share!

I am also at the point where I need to make some decisions. This A is starting to cause me more angst and pain than happiness and I wonder what to do. Should I tell him I'm done or should I just let it go on and let it die a slow death. I know if I don't contact him, he won't get in touch with me for a long time.

He's never been the romantic, but would be in touch and keep things happy and light to keep me cheery and on that "just satisfied" level. Lately, I've been getting more intense with feelings, mostly because I've been trying to drag him back to our happy place as he's been withdrawing, but that has caused him to draw away even farther. Also, with being in the midst of the hormonal changes of menopause, the squirrels have been alive and well and set up a condo in my brain.

I love my DH and have been trying him to show some affection and appreciation toward me (I have to be gentle with him or he gets highly defensive and shuts down) I let him know that I'm not happy and need more from him in the love department. I haven't been in contact with AP since last Thursday. I emailed him with some racy comments but didn't hear back from him. That is when I decided to seriously think about ending it with him.

Then yesterday I had to email him about an upcoming trip on Labor Day weekend. I was short and to the point. His response was friendly and funny and he mentioned getting together. I was strong and didn't email him back until this morning and again kept it short and to the point. He responded almost immediately, a cute, sweet and funny reply. And again asked about my schedule, seeing if we can get together. I guess he's not getting it at home and is hungry for some loving. I see the bigger pattern now and I make myself sick!

I need who I was before all this to be back here in my home with my husband. Even though the sex with DH is not great and nearly non existent, at least I'd have my brain back. Thinking of being with AP gives me chills and butterflies but yet makes me so sad. I am just so unsure...of myself, my AP and my life.

Sorry Igs and Bird to hijack your thread. I only wanted to say that I'm in the boat with you and once I started typing, it all came out.




Edited 8/18/2010 8:48 am ET by tears_on_my_guitar
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 12:29pm

"Any tips? Oh wise one!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 4:16pm

Hi Song,

I could really relate to your post and a lot of what you said. My EA has only been going on for a few months, since March. Sometimes because it is only an EA I wonder if it is an A at all and if I belong here. I feel that I make most of the effort, but he is always receptive and responsive. I make space for this R in my life, but I am not sure if he would if I stepped back. Since it is an EA I count on the contact we have, it is impt to me to have that time with him to feel connected and not have any doubts. I guess mine is in the beginning stages, but I already see some of the things you are talking about. If you're a nutcase, I'm sure not far behind!

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