Really confused..men's behavior! Long
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 03-16-2010 - 11:27am |
Hi all...I'm new to this board, so first I wanted to quickly introduce myself. Not sure how long I'll be around here because after last night, Im not sure how much longer this A will be happening, but at least for now I need some advice.
I am married of nearly 11 years and while I love my husband, I have no other feelings towards him of what a marriage should be (0 passion, 0 chemistry, his negativity and 0 motivation and drive wears on me, etc.) I know that I will eventually be divorced, but there are other things standing in the way right now like finances. I just recently started an A with a single man about a month ago. We had been seeing each other at least once or twice a week and he has all the qualities that I want. We really just hit it off from the very first conversation we had and I had never planned the A, it was just that there was so much passion, sparks, chemistry, etc. between us it happened.
So, over the last month, I have gotten several hints from him such as a few quotes that I can remember "you put down the friend flag (to me, said in a disappointed way)", "we could never get serious unless you got a divorce, but can continue to date", etc. These are just the 2 that I remember right off the top of my head. It has always been more than sex with us as he wants to hold my hand, kiss, talk, etc. So, last night I was at his place and I told him that I was getting way too attached to him and that it was not a good thing. I said this because I know that he is probably still open to dating other women and also that I knew I would get my heartbroken but yet I got emotionally attached anyway. Well, after he started acting weird, I asked him a bit later if I freaked him out when I said that and he said yes. He gave me 2 hugs when I left, but no kisses, no more hand holding while watching tv, nothing. So, I can only assume that this freaked him out in a negative way.
So now, I dont know what to think, do or believe. I guess I am realizing that he may not be as emotionally into me as sexually, but from other things he has said before, I had reasons to believe that he was. He did say that he would call me to make plans for the weekend to have lunch or something, so it appears he wants to see me again, and not just in the bedroom.
Right now, I'm feeling hurt and confused. I dont know whether to continue the relationship with him and maybe he would get over his "freak out" or cut it off altogether. I really feel a connection with him and I hate feeling like this and it breaks my heart even more to even think about not seeing him anymore.
Does anyone have any advice for me from anyone that can either help me decipher this connection, or a BTDT situation? Thanks.

Hi floridasun, welcome to MAS!
It sounds to me like your single guy is thinking harder about what he wants. It doesn't sound like he doesn't feel any emotions. Rather, he sounds like he might be having some emotions so he's wondering if it's worth it - a relationship with no future. You've given him no indication that you might leave your M, have you? It seems like he might be looking for that.
There's a poster here who is a single guy involved with a MW - search out his posts to get an idea of what might happen to your SG eventually if he stays in an R with you, he goes by malepov. Also, read the many topics that have single women involved with married men. It's a hard situation to be in - always coming second, not having that person on holidays or able to go to your friends and family's, being lonely a lot on weekends. Maybe he's thinking about all this and deciding he should pull back while he can. It only gets harder. It seems to me that if it was just sex for him, he wouldn't have a problem with anything.
I'm a MW involved with a single guy also. Our R seems to be enough for him. I encourage him to date, I try not to hold him back, but maybe his just having me holds him back. Sometimes I worry about that.
Think "down the road" a little. How would you feel if he starts to date someone? How would you feel if something serious happened to him (physical or emotional) and you couldn't be there? How will you feel when you can never get away enough and he is lonely and sad?
If your marriage is doomed anyway, maybe you should think about leaving - not for SG, but for yourself.
Anyway a lot to think about! I hope you get to talk to him soon and get some answers either way...
You've got a lot of choices. I
Hi FloridaSun5,
Since lexione pointed me out, I thought I might comment. Just to keep things on the level though, it is important to know that I am MM, not single, and involved with a MW for 5 years.
I have to say that it sounds to me like you SG is really getting into what you have together; I am sure his emotions are involved. Since you are M, regardless of what you feel about your H, you have to allow your SG to protect himself.
Let me assume that your SG knows you are M. I am not suggesting that you would lie, just that there are plenty of examples on this board where the single AP wasn't really aware of the M. Let's also assume the sex is terrific and that you guys enjoy each others company. That's all really good stuff. However, you need to give some thought to what he wants. Is he happy to just have a fling with a woman that will never advance beyond a certain point? That's okay, a lot of people aren't looking for a LTR. That said though, if what he really wants is to meet someone that he can develop a future with, that's another story.
It sounds to me that your guy is conflicted; that he likes you and wants to get closer, but doesn't trust that it would ever go anywhere, which causes him to withdraw. That's really important and something to be sensitive to. If he wants more than you can give, perhaps he is not the guy for you to be involved with. Getting more deeply involved is just going to lead to more hurt eventually. We all have this way to exchanging good feelings now for the potential of hurt later, but trust me when I tell you, hurt sucks anytime.
One other thing I wanted to comment on, more for me than for you perhaps. I have been M for 17 years and in most respects, I'd describe my M much as you did yours. I have been on the fence about getting a D for the past 10+ years and involved in this A for the last 5. I provide myself all of the same excuses about why a divorce would be too hard for me ( my AP does the same ). Finances; kids; health insurance; shame; loss of friends; finding a home; feeling lonely; knowing that it would hurt her; uncertainty about the future. I have yet to move firmly towards a D, but each day I come to learn that none of those reasons are valid and none of those fears are enough to stay in a M that isn't working. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to your spouse. I have allowed myself all of those excuses, but still moved out of my home 3 years ago and maintain my own apartment. The strain on my finances has been enormous, as has the strain on my son and my W. Somehow though, I make it work each month.
I am involved in an A for the past 5 years and it tears my heart out a lot of the time. I am grateful for the time I've had with my AP, but I also know that having two unfulfilled relationships is never a substitute for one complete one. Some people can tolerate it and some people can't. You should ask your SG where he stands and ask him to be honest. A's are built on lies, so to me it would only make sense to go above and beyond to be honest with your AP. If you do that, you have the chance to save yourself a whole bunch of heartache down the road.
Good luck,
MPV
Thank you both for your replies. There is so much information to answer each question or comment directly, but I did take it all in. I really do not think he is getting in too deep himself, I think he is probably enjoying himself with an older woman that he finds attractive and even though I told him that sex is emotional for women (and he agreed), I dont know if he really expected me to state my feelings. He has quite the social life and tons of friends and is always busy whether it be social or work, so I seriously doubt that he is worried about things like time, holidays, etc. While he is not having sex with anyone else, he does still go out with girl friends, date when he has the chance, etc. I told him that I get mixed vibes from him because one minute he is really clingy, loving, wanting to make plans to go away for a weekend, etc. and the next he acts like he isn't interested. For the record, he also knows everything about my marriage, he knows that we have discussed divorce, he knows how I feel about my husband and even when I asked him if he minded, he said no because his mother went through the same thing and wound up marrying the man she cheated with.
I just finished sending him an email apologizing for making him feel uncomfortable and that I thought we were on the same page, so we'll see if he responds. While it's very hard to wait and wonder, I have to keep going back in my mind to a quote I just heard again recently "Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind!" So, I guess if it is meant to be and he is interested, he will respond in a positive manner and if not, then it was good while it lasted. This is my very first time straying and I never envisioned this much heartache and stress... :(