Really Hurting :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Really Hurting :(
6
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 4:41am

I'm so sad today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 9:15am
hi jane !
Although i'm the least qualified person to advise you but i will do my best to really really bring you my pov.
NC today -
1. Maybe things got rough for him when they got home
2. He asked himself "is this worth" to endanger my marriage?
3. For whatever reason - you were sacrificed today
What should have been done today-
1. Assure you that everything's ok ( even not) so you will not worry or affected
2. Communicate with you as usual
3. Makes you feel how much i cared for you that nobody and nothing can stop me
REALITY -
1. No communication today
2. You got a bad day bec of last night and nc today
3. You are very affected bec you want to know what happened and will happen
WHAT you should do-
1. loosen up
2. wait til he call/text or email
3. busy yourself
4. dial 911 - it's an emergency, JANE is having a cardio problem
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 10:47am

Hi Jane,


I can imagine what a hurtful place you are in.. many here, and not here, have been where you are at.. some more than once.. so, where you are at is quite familiar to us all..


A friend at work, a stranger we purposely seek online, a neighbor, an FB friend becomes a substitute, a drug, an escape.. our problems at home become unsurmountable, and we just want a break, a little vacation, a place where we can just be.. without the pressures of what our "real" life has become.. all that, and more, is quite understandable...


However, being in any kind of past-friendship relationship with another married person has many complications, as you are finding out... the drug has side effects.. no surprises there..


What do you do now? What happens when you hear from him and he's just as confused as you are.. everyone can play the blame game, but what does that solve other than getting our fingers to exercise by gesturing..


Where do you go from here?..


In a way, it is possible to have a relationship of sorts with your friend.. many carry on with affairs for years.. but you see that those who can have one common trait.. they've come to some sort of stability in their homes, and the affair, whatever form it is in, is a "side" thing, a fun diversion, never a substitute, never something they "must have" to keep going..


So.. the first order of business is getting things back in order at home.. if that takes counseling for just you or both.. conversation.. looking at your life and seeing where you want to be a few years down the road.. whatever that is that will get you moving in the right direction at home..


Your husband has a right to know, at the very least, that you are not happy with things.. start from there.. no need to let him know of all this, but that, you are not happy.. then go from there..


Without having some sort of balance at home, you are sure to hurt many if you keep on this path, starting with yourself.. there are many who've done just that here as well..


best of luck.. keep your lines of communication open here, OK?


take care,


---

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:20pm

Jane,

MM here ( involved in a 5 year A with a MW ).

I know exactly what you are feeling, even if from a male point of view. I felt that loss of love in my M, as my AP did in hers, and we allowed ourselves to get involved. Five years later, we are both still M ( I am living apart from my W ), but I don't think we are really all that much closer to being together.

I echo all that "nevereasy" posted in her response to you. Some people can carry on A's for a long time ( 5 years isn't even all that long in A terms ), but it is REALLY hard when your heart is involved. You already know that is where you are at. I know it seems impossible right now, but based upon my experience, I would strongly encourage you to try to talk to your H before you let yourself slip further into the A. I didn't speak to my W, and I regret it to this day, especially after having a DDay. Trust me, whatever you could tell him now, will be MUCH easier than facing a DDay. Mine was the saddest day of my life. Of course, even after my DDay I went back to my A and having been sneaking around and hiding for 5 years.

Quick story about a friend of mine...

She is a professional women, married for over 15 years to her H, with 2 kids. Things weren't going great in her M; she and her H were collapsing under the pressures of RL. Work, money, kids...we all know the issues. During this time, she was becoming friendly with a colleague at work. This pre-dates cell phones, texting, IM and all of the ways we carry out our A's these days. It was strictly contact at work, but they were getting very friendly. At some point, she knew that it was moving toward a PA and it scared her. Sure, she wanted this man, she loved the attention he was paying her and was feeling alive. Still, she was scared about what it would mean to her M. She struggle with her feelings, but dug deep and told her H. She let him know that things weren't going well for her in the M and that she was feeling close to another man. She told him that it worried her, but she felt that her commitment to her M demanded that she let her H know.

Needless to say, her H was very upset, but he was also thankful that she told be for the A escalated. Together, they decided that they would go to MC and give their M a serious try. So many years later, they are still M and probably one of the most stable couples that I know.

I didn't learn of that story until after I was already in my A. At one time, soon after my DDay, my W told me that what upset her the most about my A was that I didn't talk to her about my feeling BEFORE the A started. Speaking to her before the A, would have signaled that I respected her; having an A certainly is not.

I know that it is ridiculous for me to tell you all of this, when I remain in my A. I would only ask you to consider that even 5 years in I still think about my AP everyday and wonder where this is all going. My A hasn't brought me a lot of comfort and stability; though it does have it's pleasant, loving and caring moment. It's really dampened my self-esteem and affected so many aspects of my life. I am not ready to end it, but I know that once one's emotions are involved, it can be really very challenging.

I hope that you find some peace and comfort in your situation, and the strength to do what is right for you. I also hope that you will continue to post here, seeking the advice and support of those that are dealing with this every day.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 12:54pm

There is a lot of good information to process here.


Regarding my marriage, I have made it clear to my h. over the past year that I am very unhappy and that I need help trying to revive our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 1:36pm

Jane...

<< If you had known what you know now, would you still have entered into the A with your AP? >>

If I could have done it differently and acted like the principled person that I want to be, I would have told my AP how very attracted I was to her, but that we each needed to be considerate of our M. While we each may feel unhappy in our M's, we need to bring those to a resolution and be completely free and available before we start a relationship. It's the only clean way to do it.

There are many stories about APs ultimately being in a full relationship together. It's a dream that I hold on to. That said, I realize that ultimately that will involve a LOT of hurt and sadness. For that to happen both I and my AP need to get D's. Undoubtedly, that will affect our spouses, our children, our families and our friends. That's a lot of hurt to imagine for the possibility and desire of a full relationship. If it happens, we wouldn't be the first and most certainly not the last.

As I think about it a bit more, and remember just HOW totally attracted I felt to my AP, I think I still would probably have had IC with her that first time. So, if I could have done it differently, I probably would have liked to have halted the A then and there until we each took are of our Ms. Thinking realistically, it would have a HUGE challenge to not have IC with her....hormones can be so hard to suppress.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 4:27pm
MPV---LOL!