Really Need Advice Ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Really Need Advice Ladies!
9
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:02am
It's been awhile since I've posted but I've been lurking.

A lot has happened to me over the past month or so. I tried to kill myself about three weeks ago and spent sometime in the hospital. Just everything added together became too much and a choose a really poor way of dealing with it.

My H has moved back in. We are going to try and work things out again. Right or wrong its where I feel I have to be.

I saw OM for the first time in over a month on Saturday. He has clearly lost any and all interest in me and who can blame him. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who has as much baggage as I do either. I'm ok with it though because I really do want to make an honest effort with H and I can't make my M work if I'm having an A. Besides, OM and I should never have done anything to begin with so this is the best senario possible.

So here's the new problem. We went to a friends wedding this weekend. My H's best friend, I'll call him R, caught me in the hallway close to the end of the night and asked me to help him take the bride and grooms things up to their room. I agreed. When we got up to the room R tried to kiss me. And I don't mean a friendly kiss on the check. I had to dodge him a couple of times and finally got out of the room but not before he told me how worried he's been and how he came to the hospital the night I tried to kill myself. And how he had been wanting to call me over the past few weeks but didn't know if he should or not.

This is not the first time that R has made a move on me but it was by far and away the most blanted. I'd passed the other times off to misunderstandings on my part or him just taking a joke a little too far. But now I realize my gut was right.

I made it clear that I wasn't interested but now I feel really uncomfortable being around him. Plus I don't know if I should say something to my H about it or not. I don't know that it would serve any purpose and I don't want to hurt his friendship with R. But in the interest of trying to be open and honest with eachother as we try to rebuild our M is this something that I should be sharing with him?

I really need some advice and would appreciate any thoughts you all can share with me.

Thanks!

Celt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:15am
If you really want to work things out w/H, then you should tell him. If R were a true friend, he wouldn't have been carrying on w/you the way he has been. You need to warn H about the type of "friends" he has.

Good luck.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:50am
Hi celtic....I personally think that you should tell hubby that his friend tried to do this.If he hears from somebody else(like R) it might sound like you were trying to hide something.I'm trying to rebuild my marriage too.& if it meant telling hubby everything about everything then that's how it's gonna be.I know that your feeling horrible & you (we) should.Nothing can justify what we did or why.We just need to take responsibility for our actions & learn from them.So I say just tell your hubby that you have something to tell him & that you're telling him because you dont want to keep secrets from him anymore.I'm sure that it'll hurt him but I'm also sure that he loves you & will appreciate your honesty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 1:53pm
Vicky,

I just read your post and I wanted to get your opinions. You said that you were trying to rebuild your M and I am in the same situation here. OM and I have been in NC for 4 weeks but I still can't seem to put forth an effort on rebuilding my M. What have you done to work on this and what are some of the things that have worked for you. I constantly think of OM and have almost broken down a few times and called him, but I have been keeping strong, with a lot of help from the board and my friends on line. H and I are going to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary and are going away just the 2 of us on Sunday for a week (first time in 6 years). If I can push OM from my mind I know that I can really try, I just haven't been able to do it yet. I know in my head the right thing to do is totally forget OM and put all of my energies into H but how? I have known from the beginning of my A that I was not leaving my M and H so I guess now is the time to put up and pull myself together and fix the problems.

Did you tell your H about your A? If not are you ever planning on telling him? I have decided that it is something that H doesn't need to know because it would only hurt him. As people on here have said before never tell just to make your guilt go away and I guess I think that way too. Any help, advice, opinions would be welcome. Thanks DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 3:15pm
oh celtic, i'm sooo sorry about your attempt. and thank god, it was an attempt. please tell me you're getting some counseling to sort through all those feelings you have. i can only say, strongly, that you really need a professional to talk you through your recovery.

my mother tried three times to kill herself and didn't succeed. i was too young (17) to know how to help her and my dad didn't care enough to help her. she started abusing alcohol and painkillers -- that lasted for at least 10 years. when she finally started woke up and decided to kick her habits, she went to AA meetings every day for a year and was clean, sober and finally happy in her skin.

as for "R" -- tell the dickhead to stay away from you or you will tell your H and his W (or whomever). and absolutely do not tell your H right now, unless R comes after you again. you are just recovering from your suicide attempt and hospitalization and there's alot of emotionality running through your relationship with your H. he's just moved back in and you both need to get on some solid ground.

try to stay out of situations where R will be. if you do have to be around R and he tries to get you alone, then make a beeline for your H and let him know what's going.

i'm really over here wishing i could hug you and offer a shoulder to lean on. take care of yourself and i hope your life goes smoothly from here on out.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 4:37pm
The one thing my H and I are working on is keeping the communication lines open, not shut them down completely like before. One of our main issues was his denial of my problems, contempt for my family (as his are more well off) and taking me for granted. I am in turn trying to appreciate his efforts but its really hard after all the beating your soul has taken, but I am trying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 4:43pm
Gurl you're awesome! Thanks for the advice and the cyber hug. I need all the hugs I can get right now!

I am seeing a professional once a week and they put me on an antidepressent. It seems to be helping some. I just have had to deal with so much in the last few months, my marriage problems, the A, stress at work, my friend dying right in front of me. It all just got to be too much for me to handle on my own and I felt like I didn't have any where to turn. I still feel overwhelmed, just not suicidal anymore. But I'm taking one day at a time and things are getting better.

I think I agree with you. Telling H doesn't really serve a purpose other than to risk hurting his feelings. Nothing happened and nothing will happen. I made that perfectly clear to R. Now I know I can't trust him and I won't put myself in a situation where he and I would be alone again. If he ever tries anything again then I'll tell H and see what he wants to do about it.

If the situation was reversed and one of my friends did this to H, I would rather not know. Sometime ignorance can be bliss, especially when we have so many other issues to deal with between each other.

I hope everything is going well for you!!

Celt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 6:54pm
Dear Celt, At this point I'm not as concerned with what R did, as I am about your well-being. As a survivor of someone who took their life, someone I loved very dearly, I try to help anyone I can from making the same horrible mistake. Please tell me you're getting help from a professional. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is so bad that it's worth taking your own life. Whether you feel this or not, you are a very special, precious gift to this world, and it wouldn't be the same without you.

Over the past few weeks there were times when I too thought I wanted to die, especially the first week of NC with MM, yet there was always something that pulled me out of the pit of despair, and made me realize that life was too precious, and there was a reason I've been put here in the first place, and I haven't accomplished that goal yet, so I had no choice but to keep on plugging away. Give the anti-d's a chance to work. I've been on them for awhile for depression and anxiety, and trust me, after a few weeks, you'll feel like a new person! Many of the irrational thoughts will disappear, and the things you were sure you couldn't handle, will be so much easier to deal with.

As far as R is concerned, give him a warning, either stay out of your life, and leave you alone, or you WILL tell your H. I wouldn't say anything to H just yet,however.

You're in an extremely vulnerable state right now. More than anything else, you need to focus on taking care of you. Once you're feeling better, everything else will fall into place. I'm going to check in here every day to make sure you're okay. If you need to talk to anyone, just send a message here, and I'll do whatever I can to help you. Know you're in my prayers and thoughts. Don't worry, everything is going to be okay. Just keep repeating to yourself nothing is worth losing someone so valuable. Take care of yourself. Lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:29am
Hi Lily,

Thanks for the advice, I know your right, its just hard to see sometimes. Its very hard for me to see and understand why I'm still here when my friend who was such a good person died.

Yes, I am getting professional help. I'm also trying to surround myself with my friends and family, people I know love and care about me that I can trust.

I'm going to be fine. I know that for sure. Its just going to take time and I'm trying to take things one day at a time.

Celt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:57pm
I really think the best bet if you can get up the courage, is to tell H. I had something very similar happen to me in the beginning of my R with now xh. One of his friends tried to start some stuff with me. Even after I told him out right that I wasn't interested he tried. Another one of my xh friends knew what he had tried the other time so I went to him and asked him to talk to the friend and tell him to stay away from me. I was afraid that my xh would blame me. And then it just got to be too late to say anything. Plus the second time everyone was drinking and I was afraid a major fight would break out if I told what he did. After we broke up, his "friend" that helped me in the first place told xh a bold face lie about the whole thing. Saying I slept with this other friend, when nothing even close to that happened. I had to tell him what really happened, but I'm not sure he really believed me. Which sucks, because I really did nothing wrong. He did say, now I understand why you always had so much hate for him. Anyhow, it put doubts in his head and he didn't know who to believe, since I kept it a secret for 4 years. You don't want someone else telling him their own version of the story and with all the prob's you two have already been going through, the last thing you need to do is put more doubt into his head. I understand your dilema, goodluck. Hugs, Jdreamer96