Really need some support right now.
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Really need some support right now.
| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:19pm |
Please somebody give me some words of encouragement. I'm so hurt right now. This whole week I've been off work for some surgery and obviously had a lot of time on my hands. Prior to the surgery all I could think about was him and faced with the possibility of death, I realized how much he means to me. I keep denying that I'm in love with him, but I don't know. I should have been thinking about H esp. since he took such good care of me after the surgery, but I didn't, I kept thinking about MM and how important to my life he is. So since I've had all this time to recuperate, I wrote MM a couple of emails, to let him know what I was thinking prior to the surgery and how I"ve realized how important he is to me. I asked him how he felt about me, asked him why he was having an A with me when he could be having an A with anyone else. I asked him to please just let me know what he thought/felt about me or was he just having fun. Lately I've felt closer to him on a different level and thought he might have felt the same too. He ignored my email. The next day I emailed him again and asked him if he would make plans with me as H is out of town this weekend and I really just wanted a day with MM, a whole day to pretend that he was just mine and mine alone. I also asked him to go to lunch today. I sent that email yesterday and got no response. I asked him to meet me at 10:30 today, still no response. I finally sent him a email and asked him if he was standing me up. He said he couldn't have lunch with me today as he was having lunch with another friend and as far as spending a day with me on the weekend, he said he couldn't, part of his response:
'I guess that I also would feel a little funny about it too. I really like hanging out with you and I always have fun with you, but it seems like that would be taking things to another level and I'm not ready for that." and that's all he said...
I guess I feel so hurt because I pour my feelings out to him, put myself out there in a very vulnerable position and then he ignores all my emails until prompted and then his response conveys to me that he's just having fun and that's all he wants from me. I really thought we've connected on an emotional level, but I guess not. It just hurts so much because it seems like he doesn't even share a ounce of the level and degree of feeling I have for him. It hurts when you're feelings can't be returned...He said I could call him if I want, but what could I say to him? I guess my heart is breaking in way and I can't stop the tears from flowing....
'I guess that I also would feel a little funny about it too. I really like hanging out with you and I always have fun with you, but it seems like that would be taking things to another level and I'm not ready for that." and that's all he said...
I guess I feel so hurt because I pour my feelings out to him, put myself out there in a very vulnerable position and then he ignores all my emails until prompted and then his response conveys to me that he's just having fun and that's all he wants from me. I really thought we've connected on an emotional level, but I guess not. It just hurts so much because it seems like he doesn't even share a ounce of the level and degree of feeling I have for him. It hurts when you're feelings can't be returned...He said I could call him if I want, but what could I say to him? I guess my heart is breaking in way and I can't stop the tears from flowing....
ibc

You're right I should stop emailing him. It's going to be a tough weekend plus I see him at work Monday, everyday and have lunch with him. I think if I'm being truly honest with myself, I know he doesn't love me. I know he cares for me as a a friend and maybe just a little more than that, but I think beyond that, he's just having fun and if it ends for him it ends and he'll move on. He'll enjoy the ride as long as it doesn't get complicating, i.e. I get feelings too deep for him... That's what I truly think and that just hurts so much because I would love a future with him..
ibc