Is this really possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Is this really possible?
23
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 12:14pm
For those of you that don't know MM has told me from the get go he "loves" his wife and will NOT leave his M.

I've asked him why then he's involved with me and he says "because there is an attraction there that I couldn't deny" that attraction was/is still more than just physical.

This past week he took a vacation with his family - for a part of the vacation the children were left with family and MM and W headed off together. I asked him if it was fun - he said "yes" I asked him if it was romantic - he said "yes" - basically he still has a great deal of passion in his relationship with W. He tells me all this to be honest and not led me on. He is the kind that will LET me walk away because he knows this isn't fair to me! :(

Anyway - my point is - if he has all this with his w WHY then is he with me? What purpose do I serve? and WHY would he risk such a wonderful thing to be with me? Is he lying? Is he in denial? Is it possible that he can be "in love" with his wife after 8 years and STILL want something from me?

I can't deal with knowing the sex is as passionate with her - knowing he looks at her like he looks at me. It's one thing to know my MM loves his wife because she's his wife and because she's the mother of his children - it's another to know he's IN LOVE with her and still has a passionate romantic relationship!

Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 1:03pm
Honey---- this is SO not good for you. He's being a selfish pig. Like most of them he wants his cake and eat it too and he's doing this "Oh let me be honest with you" BS because he thinks he's being fair to you. Sheesh. I think if you stay in this with him it's going to hurt you. And by the way you sound, I don't think you'll last that long with him anyway and by YOUR OWN CHOICE because you know you're better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 1:11pm
Some thoughts. I would say that the old adage "Don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer" applies here.

What does he get from you that he doesn't get from his W? Lots of possible answers to that. Maybe -- just maybe -- it's true that, even if he loves his wife, she simply can't meet every possible need for him. Maybe you fill a need in him that his wife just can't fill. Maybe it's possible to love more than one person at the same time, and need more than one person.

And if you believe that, should it bother you that he loves his wife?

Or maybe it's an ego boost that he can still attract women, or maybe he likes a variety in terms of sex, or maybe he simply is attracted to you in many ways and isn't the type of person to deny that attraction just because of marriage vows, so he's simply acting on them.

If it bothers you that he loves his wife and is passionate with his wife, then this might not be the guy for you. I think, personally, that it's great that this guy doesn't lead you on like so many men do on this board, telling the OW that they hate their W, no sex, no relationship, they're going to leave, on and on. This guy is honest. He's thinking that if you can't deal with it, then you won't deal with it, and that will be that.

Sounds like your decision is whether you can deal with it. Is it fair to ask for a monogamous relationship from a MM? Depends on what YOU need out of the A, I guess.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 2:44pm
fpenick (and others too; I could use some input here),

You and I both posted responses at the same time (I didn't read your post before posting mine), and my response was so different than yours that I am wondering if you could help me understand your view - because maybe this is the view of most people in an A and I am in the minority? I honestly don't know, and I would really like to understand all sides.

How does his honesty make him a selfish pig? I can see that maybe he wants his cake and eat it too, but then I would have to say that about many of us (including myself) who are in an A, not just the men. Is there something I am missing? Do most women in an A want/need a man who is not emotionally or physically tied to their marriage anymore?

I ask because I have had the impression that many men will lie to their OW and say that their marriages are much worse than they are, and make promises they can't keep, and end up hurting the OW horribly. Isn't it better for OW if MM is upfront about the reality of the marriage and his intentions? Then if the OW has a clear view of reality, and decides to stay in the A, she's clearly doing it because SHE gets something out of the A too... or at least that's the way I've been thinking about it.

The other two alternatives are the above... 1) that he is honest with her that the marriage is not horrible... or else 2) that the marriage really IS every bit as horrible as the MM says it is -- and I have gotten the impression that #2 is not usually the case (note I said 'usually', not 'always'). And that quite often when MM says they have a terrible marriage, he's embellishing a bit (at least) to 'have his cake and eat it too' because he fears being totally honest will cause him to lose the OW.

I would welcome all input and thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 2:50pm
yeah yeah - don't go changing my topic! :p LOL just teasing - I have a good friend that I talk with about our As and she is always saying that - which is worst to KNOW he will never leave - or to hear all the wonderful things and have hope (for years upon years!) ya know? I'm not sure ...

but how can I or ANYONE for that matter STAY in something where he admits to being in love with his wife still? doesn't that mean I am accepting that I am not EVERYTHING to him? I'm not saying this right... imagine meeting a man - both of you are single - would you seriously be able to be with him knowing he's still in love with his ex? How is it any different for me? How can I let him touch me and love me knowing he loves touching and loving her as much if not MORE than he does me!? :(

I WANT to be with him - I wouldn't be involved in this whole messed up thing if I wasn't in love with him - but I'm not sure if it's realistic to deal with this? or maybe like I said is it realistic that he REALLY feels that way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 3:04pm
I was just giving my opinion to her post. I don't care to debate over it (sorry no offense) and anyway this is about imanewposter not me. That's all I'm going to say. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 3:11pm
Hi again, and I know you weren't serious but I do apologize for interjecting my "own" topic into your post! I was just concerned that my thinking was maybe misleading people.

Maybe you just answered my question, and it really depends on your perspective and what you want out of it. If you are single and are thinking of a 'someday' life with him then I can totally see how it would bother you - it would bother me too. And yes, if you stay, you would definitely be accepting that you are not 'everything' to him. And I think that no matter what the situation, you would be setting yourself up to be hurt in the end if you expect to be EVERYTHING to a man who is married to someone else - I don't care what kind of a marriage he has. He's married to someone else.

In my case, I'm married and I do not have any desire to be 'everything' to my MM, and the reverse is also true. He loves his W but his marriage has aspects that are missing, just as is true for mine. So the situations are different and I'm sorry for confusing them :)

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 3:14pm
fpenick,

I really, really wasn't looking for a debate. Only an explanation, because I was just trying to make sure I was not misleading the original poster. I am relatively new here and I'm still learning where everyone is coming from. You certainly don't have to explain your opinion to me, I didn't mean it that way, I was just looking for a way to expand my own thinking on the topic. Sorry to have upset you (reading between the lines).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 3:34pm
Ok, so far imanewposter has had a few varied opinions :) Which i think is good, different perspectives are helpful.

Personally, it depends on the situation. Imanewposter, honestly, you went into this A knowing he was married and it sounds like he is just being honest with you. Which is much better than decieving you or at least I would think so. If you are both married, and accepting of the terms so to speak then he is being honest, and not leading you on, which is great really.

I think the choice is up to you. We all like to have our cake and eat it too, but when its hurting others it is wrong, he should let you go if you are not MM or if this is hurting you. And by not letting you go, well I agree with fpenick he is a pig.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 3:59pm
If he says that he is in love with his wife and still passionate over her, then you HAVE to believe him, sucky as that is for you. I think it speaks rather BADLY for his character that he is in a good marriage and still cheats. It says a few things about him:

1. He is disloyal to someone he loves.

2. He is willing to lie to someone he loves.

3. He is able to move seamlessly from one relationship to the next and back again - doesn't show a lot of emotion, does it?

4. He does not need monogamy and does not value it.

Etc....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2003 - 4:12pm
LOL Sweet :) I agree, he is a pig if he is deliberately hurting you in the process. If you think that is the case, imanewposter, and that he doesn't care about your feelings... then please don't let him keep on hurting you -- you CAN do better than that. Only you can know whether that is the case - we can only speculate.

Kari

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